Funny

The other I was thinking of Zdor, kind of miss him. I dont know what feeling is this that I have for him. He is Mr's friend. Well, of course, I'm not expecting to be with him and all. Just that sometimes, I need some daydreaming.

Anyway, I thought..... just imagining, how it would be if one day I were to tell him that I like him. And I would tell him I miss him and all. He would say, yes, I came for a drink with your friends because you said you miss me, and I'm here to let you see me, blah blah blah.

AND the weirdest thing happened, right on that night, when I was in a mall, he was there. I didnt meet him though... But what are the odds? I went home and day dreamt more. The following morning, he messaged me.

It has been quite a while since we last spoke. Almost a year, till yesterday, I spoke to him again. Nothing much, just some stuff about our friends and all.

Weird.......

Stuffs

As I was cleaning up, I found some stuffs that I had for more than a decade. A brochure of his first development. An MU doll he gave me. I still miss him sometimes...

ED

Last 3 days I actually dreamt that Ed is married. Someone told me he got married... and he looked at me as though he was trying to hide. Anyway, it was just a dream. But it made me think of him...

And today, AnK came to look for me. We were talking about some insurance he sold me. Don't know where it lead, but he told me Ed got married last week, just last week. 

I was surprised at how coincident it can be. I just dreamt of him getting married, and he really did got married. Wow. Anyway, another thing that I was surprise is, how come he didnt invite me? Why not? Yup, we havent got in touch for a loooooong time, but I do think of him once in a while. 

I went to his FB and searched. There were only 3 pictures of his wedding... and no tags of his new wife. 

Funny...

Bits & Pieces

He said:

1) I dreamt of you last night
2) Ya, she is very important, that I don't contact her much
3) Did you miss me?

Weirder

It just got weirder.... Yesterday we went for a massage, just the both of us - Zdor & I. How weird can it get?

Weird

Last night we went out drinking. A lot of us, cause Zdor wanted to meet Gina. I don't condone affairs, and I didnt do anything to encourage them too. It's nice to see them both together, but too bad he is married.

Anyway, after that we left and went home. Gina slept with me, and we talked. She said that she is happy for me, that she is glad that everything I have sacrifice for has made it's return. That Mr. is treating me so well. And I told her, I will always be there for her. She can spend the rest of her life with me. We can grow old together. She will always have me.

And the weirdest thing happened. I had a dream. For the whole night, I dreamt of Zdor. That's really weird. I cant remember exactly what happened in the dream, but I know it's him.

WTF was I thinking... Dreaming of a man that is married. That is not bad enough? Yes, he is Mr's friend of 20 years.

It's that time again

Everything is getting along well between Mr. & me, however this morning when I woke up, I had that feeling again. Don't ask me how it felt, I just dont know how to explain. I have been seeing lots of 1711 everywhere.
The other day I went to SS2, and was in front of a duck shop - the place I always go with LOL. And the best thing was, the car parked right in front of the shop had the number plate 1711.

I went out to get myself a pack of fags. I know it's not good for me, but once in a while, it does help a little. I don't smoke, maybe once or twice a year. Does it really help? It didn't. So I went back and went to search for him again. Nothing much, he posted something about CPAB, I have no idea what it is.

Instead of FB, I decided to google... and his name came out a few times. Once a girl mentioned him as a lecturer. Another time was his profile for being a lecturer in one of the colleges here. Wow, I thought he would not move up here, but he did. Also, he was a developer in 2005? I really didnt know that. I thought he was only helping his dad in his development company... Anyway, it doesn't matter anymore, does it?

Why do these feelings come? It just comes as and when it wants. Don't I have control over any of these? I cant control? It's my life here.

Anyway... the other I was talking to Zdor again. Just casual talk, and I told him how Mr. loves me...His  reply "if he really loves you that much, he would have went out and given you the time to yourself." Wow, he really understands me. For that moment (till now) I have been thinking alot. It feels so nice and right to have someone who understands you.

I really want sometime alone............... Just once in a while.

Crazy

I have been talking to Zdor a lot lately, about everything. And I think we are quiet close. Our kind of talking is only on social networking, and not those verbal ones - on the phone, bla bla bla.

However these days, I felt something. Something that I have not felt in a long time. Every time when I am on social network (sn), I will look out for him. And when he is not online for a few days, I would think where is he? Is this missing someone? Well, not like I will start anything with him, nor will he even want to... But why am I having these thoughts? This is kind of scary, I really don't want these to continue as I really don't know where this will lead me to.

Some nights before I sleep, I would think... fantasize, imagine myself in a world where I will never be. To be loved and cared for all over again. And I tried so hard not to include him in these. Last night, I had a dream. A funny dream, where Zdor & I were walking. Suddenly he came to hold my hand. I did not push him away, instead I dragged him nearer to me. And then he kissed me... It ended. I was half glad, half disappointed. Wanting to know what happened next, and on the other hand, I'm so wrong to even have dreams like these.

I am sitting in front of the computer writing and holding a glass of rosé. Life is good.

Does time heals?

It has been quite a while since I last wrote. I remembered saying everytime I blog, it's when I'm unhappy. Why is it that this blog is all about sorrows?

However, today it's nothing bad. I'm not sad, not depressed. Just that while I was driving home alone yesterday, I remembered this blog. And I thought, how come I have been writing for so long. And then the 'fuck you' thingy came up. Thoughts came in asking why did he said that? What made him hate me so much? What have I done? I on this side of the country missing him so much, and he on the other side hates me like hell.

I have been talking to Zdor lately. He told me a lot about his affair, and how much he loved her. That he has considered leaving the wife for her. But still, he is a husband, nothing was done. It is really not easy to leave a marriage, moreover he has kids.

I asked him, when will he ever hate the girl?

If she goes MIA on him - NO

If she has another man - NO

If she leaves you - NO

The only thing that will make him hate her is when she kills her kid. Ya, that's obvious.

So why is it that he hates me so much? I didnt kill any of his family. Sometimes I really feel like sending him a message asking him what the hell have I done? Have I really hurt him so much, that he doesnt even want to talk to me?

Zdor loves the girls so much that he said he is willing to do anything just for the wife to leave him. I told him don't worry, time will heal. He said it will never heal. I wanted so much to tell him that I have been through that, but I cant.

Yes time can heal... certain part of it. And for me, it took 10 years. I still miss him, I still think of him, but not like before anymore. I will not cry. I will not hide anymore... Just miss him.

Happy for Him

Last week, Chyee told me she saw LOL. But LOL didnt came over to say hi. Why? He hates me so much, that he even ignores my friends? Anyway, after that, I logged into FB and searched for him again. I dont know why I do that, but every once in a while, I will.

I clicked on his wife's FB too, and this time, a lot of pictures came out. I looked at every picture in detail. From those photos, I can tell that he is great. He has a happy family. I no longer hope that I am the one standing next to him. I know there is a big No between us long ago, but there is still a part of him in me. I cannot seem to forget him at all.

Well, at least I'm not like before anymore. Sitting in a corner, hiding away crying to myself. Those days have passed and it's gone. The feeling is not as great anymore. I am happy for him, to have found himself a great wife and to have 2 beautiful daughters...

I still miss him, though.

Dreams

Yesterday I dreamt of Ed. So much about him. Very intimate dream. Till now, I'm still thinking of it. It has been ages since I last saw him. I missed him though. In the middle of the dream, I woke, I really had the urge to pick the phone and send him an SMS saying that I miss him. Thank god I didnt. I dont want to start anything stupid again...

Trust No More

All these years I have trusted him so much. Wherever he goes, whatever he does, I dont ask. When I see him sad, I asked him to go out with his friends. He goes to nightclubs, I dont ask what he does. I told him that is trust.

Now I know he is not doing well, I saved with him. I dont spend much. Everything I want to buy, I would think twice. I went on holiday with my parents, I paid for myself. I sometimes sit and think, and feel bad for being parents who cant afford a good school for our kids.

All the above ended. Ended since last Friday.
I went home with my son like any other day. Make him do his homework and then played with him. When he was watching TV, I went over to the PC to check some mails and FB. When I opened, a funny page came up. A page where people advertise to look for activity partners. I know he is into watching porns on the web, but I didnt know of such sites where people look for sex. I was shocked, but calm.

So I clicked on the 'back' button. and it lead me to something worse. I had the shock of my life. It was gmail, not the ordinary account he used. It was a totally new account. And there it was an email from some girls. I cant remember the whole mail, but I can never forget the words like - I'm forty, average looking. meet me in xxx on Wednesday. My number is xxxxxxxxx. WTF!!!

I didnt know what to do. I just looked at the mail for a while and then went back to the other site. I typed the username (same as the gmail account) and found 3 advertisment..

Subject: Sugar Baby
Age: 40
Looking for: Activity partner
Self employed, chinese,

Willing to pay monthly allowance of 3k.

That really broke my heart.

I confronted him and he told me that he has no intention to meet them or even giving them the 3k.

If there is no intention, why would he wants to meet them, give them the real phone number? or even tell them he is an average guy? No intention would mean giving allowance of 8k, 6ft tall, looks like brad pitt, and a fake phone number.

The Songs

What made me open this page to write is this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jTWiEzpjuzo.

Things have been better. I am putting more effort into the marriage. Of course there are a lot of things in between. I sometimes feel great, and at times, sky just seemed darker. There are a lot of people out there that I know is having problems with their marriages. Is this happening everywhere?

Back to what brought me here... Everytime I listen to this song, it reminds me so much of him. In fact there are so many songs that just reminds me of him. He meant so much to me, I really wish that I can walk up to him to just talk to him. Well, yes, I did. I did try, but all I got was "i hope we dont talk". It hurt me so much, like a cut deep into my heart.

Why would he hate me so much? Why is he doing this to me when I have sacrificed so much for him? When I have wasted so much tears on him? When I have been missing him so much? Why is he so important to me? Can I talk to anyone about this at all anymore? Havent Lynn, Chyee and Gina heard enough of my sorrows for him? Who else can I talk to either than writing all I feel in here?

This feeling just keeps coming back...

Why Are We Talking about the Past?

Last night before I slept, I spoke to Lynn. Told her about what happened. We were talking and talking bout how stupid I am and all, then she asked me something, something I did not planned of hearing.

"Why didnt you choose the other chinese guy?"

I didnt know how to answer her. All I said was he's too far. She told me Melaka wasnt far. Somemore he was more handsome and criteria is much better. Yes I know, I knew it long before. But why? I still dont know why. I missed him so much and I still do. We were talking and talking about him then. She even found him on FB. I told her he is married with 2 beautiful daughters. And I even told her about the FB message that he sent me "it's better that we dont speak". She said I must have hurt him really badly. Yes I know...

And in the middle of the conversation, she asked, "wtf, why are we talking about the past? maybe we should plan the future now." I replied, "u r right, i'm still living in the past, maybe that's where the problems lie."

Ya, why am I still thinking of the past? Why do I still care about the "what ifs"? what's the point? why do I still wanna think of what will happen if I marry LOL? These thoughts are making me crazy.

But actually this problem that I have with Mr. is it really related to this? I have put LOL away long ago, or did I?

I'm really very fed up with him. Why doesnt he appreciate me more? I have given up such a great man for him, why cant he treasure me more? Why is he always talking about divorce? Or wanting a single life? What happens later? What will happen if I get back with him? I'm gonna be stuck like this forever? Things will all go back to square one, a predicted. Even Lynn said, I can tolerate. Nothing will happen, I will still be where I am.

That's really sad.

Again

Another argument. I just dont know what he wants. He is always showing me his black face and for all the years I have given in. I really cannot stand anymore. And for all the years, he has been telling me how bad I am, how bad my temper is, how inconsiderate I am, blah blah blah. If I have not been so considerate and calm, I would have argued with him every single day. Cause he just drives me nuts.

He said I dont sleep with him. Can't he notice that what he does turns me off? He always say I am fat, I am not pretty. Always say I'm old, and nobody wants me at all. Go out also aunty already. Yes I accept the fact that I am an aunty, a mother of 2, but he doesnt have to say it straight to my face. Moreover, I think I am still attractive, in a way.

ME: the man told me, your husband is so lucky
HE: Oh, u didnt tell him, u are luckier?

ME: u see my face, quite slim hor
HE: yala, but ur body is dam fat.

Yesterday, he said to have 3 months break, and I agreed.

Am Sad

I dont like the fact that Jee is getting closer to Lynn. Why is it that she is starting a business with her without my knowledge. I know Lynn will not do anything behind my back, or hide anything. Why is Jee doing this? This is bad. I introduced Lynn to her and she is taking all my friends away. She is getting closer to all of my friends. Why is this so?

The other day I did something she did to me. I asked her via sms why did she start something with my friend without telling me. And I know she knows I dont like it. Well, we shall see how.

And the fact that she tells everyone how bad Klo is, is making me feel even worse. She is the one who is flirting around and making Klo do things that he did and now she is blaming him for all the consequences.

I dont know why I have such feelings but I just cant help it. Well, maybe I'm feeling insecure. I should trust Lynn... What beats a 14-year friendship?

How many people?

It is sad that people actually remember your birthday through facebook. Because of the FB, I have like 50 wishes. Normally I dont, I just have that few closer ones who will sms me, wishing me a happy birthday.

So this year, I hide my birthdate from FB. I just want to know how many people actually remembers...

News just come by

I dont know why news just come flying to me on their own.

Jee
The other day, she showed me a mms from her phone, and I accidentally pressed a button and something I should not. It was an sms from someone I know, who calls her dear... Well I have only met him 3 times, and how have they gotten so closed? He is Lynn's friend, and I told her. She said he never called her dear. Funny, and it was something like, he couldnt meet her that night for dinner. Well...

Jee is a great girl, great friend. The only problem with her is, she wants to be everyone's best friend. She wants everyone to like her. So she will say all sorts of things to make someone hate another. That's very funny. But so far, I have not heard anything bad about me.

Shanti
Once bitten, twice shy. What is three times? She caught her husband red handed with the same woman. The same old f**king bitch. Dont understand why would he wanna be with someone older than the wife 10 years.

Gina
She has told me about her new beau. Not much, I only know that there is a he in her life. Until recently, she brought him out and we finally met. He is a great guy, I think. Out spoken, tall, smart. When she told me that he doesnt take pictures, I suspected, but didnt ask.

Then she told me he is married. And he is going through divorce... Again, do men always say things like that to get women? And do women really believe them? Well, maybe when you are in the situation, everything is different. Drown by love.

Sometimes I wonder, whether I am too clear... think too much, too smart? That got me into the situation I am now. Why do I have to care so much for others? Why do I even need to think about how others think? If I werent thinking that much, I would have been living in the historical city of Malaysia, in the arms of LOL and having our own kids.

Toleration

Today I had a little chat with Sheling. She just broke up with her boyfriend and told me how much she wanted a happy family. I know, I knew it from the beginning that she is someone just like me. Someone who loves to have a happy and healthy family. The day I got the news bout her divorce I was shocked. But then again, not everyone has the courage to walk out of a marriage... I'm one of them.

And that made me think... well, not because of this that I have such thoughts. It was all these months that made me really mad. I really dont know how long can I tolerate anymore. He is getting from bad to worse. Everything I do seem not right. Sometimes I think what the fuck... Why do I have to give in all the time?

He said that I throw my temper, I always show him a black face. Bloody shit, I have faced his black face for the past so many years. There are just so many things that I dont know how to tell. Everyone seemed to be enemy to him. Why is he like that?

Everytime he goes out, he shows a sour face. And then, he on the other hand says I am the bad one.

He doesnt fucking appreciate what I have done. I threw him a big party, and all he said is to give me a massage for my birthday. He says I'm very fat. I cannot go out with my friends. When I come home, he will show me shit face and say he doesnt mind I go out. What the fuck...

I really dont know how long more I can stand... For the kids sake, I will.

The Old Bag

I have kept a bag... a bag filled with notes. I jotted down every sms and email I had with LOL. All the letters and notes I have packed and sealed and kept them away. I didnt want to read any of them anymore. But why am I still keeping them? Isnt it easier to just throw them away. Why go through the hassle of packing and sealing and hiding them? I dont know.

Today, I dont know why I went to dig it out and .... yes, I read, not all, but enough to make my skies grey again. I have loved him so much. He too. I really did love him, I do. And reading through the notes made me realised how much pain I have been through. I went into depression and even tried to hurt myself, physically. I hide away from people, there were no smiles, no words.

And after reading the notes, I know why he didnt want to talk to me anymore.

Well, he really dont know the pain I went through. It's sad and it does hurt. When you gave so much for him and he doesnt want to talk to you anymore. That was what he felt when I cut off all connections with him. No contacts after I changed my number.

Yes, I know it was bad, but that was the best way for me to live my life. I cannot help thinking of him all the time. I havent talked to him for so long, and yet I still miss him and think of him so much. What if he still calls?

After reading those, I really have the urge of sending him another message...

Is it too late to be friends again? Or do I really want to be friends with him?
Like I have said before, I can be friends with all my exes, cause I dont love them as much as I love LOL. It's different. Forget it. I think it's just a feeling I cannot control. Hopefully it will pass...