How True Can It Be?

I always tell myself that I have let LOL go, I will not sacrifice my kids to be LOL, I will not do anything to hurt anyone jsut to be with LOL again. But how true are these? Can I be that definite? How sure I am?

Yesterday I thought to myself. Will I? Can I? I cannot assure myself the letting go of LOL. If one day in the future, LOL comes back to look for me what will I do? Can I still be this determine to just be friends with him and nothing else? He has a very big part in my heart and he still has. I will never ever forget this man.

Having my son is the biggest determination I have against being with him ever again. But when the reality really comes, can I conquer my feelings? Can I drown all my feelings for him and stay friends?

Jee is having problems with Klo. I think they are in the midst of getting divorce. I was quite sure that the root of this is an affair - and it's Jee's. She has never mentioned to me about a third party, but I thought, the only reason a woman can be that harsh to leave the husband is only for another man. Those miscommunications, lack of understanding, love & care are all bullshits. For a woman to actually leave the family, it's only LOVE.

What she is going through, I have went through them. Depressions, arguments, etc etc. I had depression when I couldnt be with LOL. I knew it but no one else did. I had thought of suiciding, I had thought of hurting myself. But thank god, I found the sense that told me not to.

I have been through all these and now I am where I am. Married with 2 kids.
Mr is not the husband I want. I have not change that thinking. But still for the sake of my own family and my precious kids, I am still where I am.

I am someone who loves attention. He never shows. I am someone who puts family in the first place, he puts money. I have not been cuddled, not been kissed, not been hold for so long. And having sex was just for the sake of having kids. No making love. Sometimes I really miss the feeling of making love with the person I love.