Therapy...

I called up the center yesterday to schedule a booking. I kind of felt weird. I didnt know how or what to say to the guy on the other line. It's kind of funny to tell a stranger you have a problem. Anyway after he told me the price, I hang up - nicely. What the hell? Paying 600 bucks for a session - to tell a total stranger my problems? That's total bullshit. I would rather have a friend sit in front of us, telling them our problems.

And after I reached home, had dinner with my family, I took my son for a walk in a bookstore. I put him in the kid's section. There I was strolling down the "self improvment" section. Another funny thing. Standing there, I feel myself kind of embarrass, searching for books to help improve myself. Do I really need these?

Books like, Relationship Rescue, Why Woman can read maps, Help!!!, Woman are from Venus, Men are from MArs. All these titles made me feel not alone. There were tonnes of books about rescueing a relationship, blah blah blah. That means I am not the only one who needed help. If there were so many books written about these, it only meant one thing - men are from mars & women from venus.

I finally took 2 books - Mars & Venus Together Forever & The Secrets of a Happily Married Woman. We left and I headed straight to bed, not to sleep but to start my Family Rescue 101. I read and read and read. Wow, it almost answered all my questions. And for just one night, I have actually finished half the book.

Then I realised... what men really are and what they really want. And suddenly I feel so much an idiot to have wasted so much time on something that is not there.

I do hope that this thing will help me and hope it's not too late. But I need his help too. I know this book will help, but will not totally change me now. I do need time. I need his help to make me a better wife and I know we will make it happen.

Wish US luck... cheers to better marriage

Back to square 1

i think he knows me too well. he knows that i will not do anything to hurt my family. i think he knows i love my family too much. he is putting all the blame on me now. and this made me think twice.

am i really that bad a wife? or a person in general? if he has so much complaints about me, is there a reason for us to stay in this marriage? he said i always dig out his problems only when major arguments occur. i dont complain doesnt mean he has no faults. ok. maybe i tell him his problems at the wrong time, but why does he has to blame everything on me?

i know the problems really exist and i have not loved him back.

am i going to just sit on these problems and give in again?

i checked the psychologist center again. there is this thing called family therapy. should we both go? are there any better solutions?

i will give in for the last time and try to be a good wife. i'm giving myself 6 months, if things really doesnt work out, then i'm really gonna be out of here.

Finally...

these days we had more arguments than usual. we would quarrel over small issues. everything he does is wrong, everything i did was against him. finally yesterday, he said, we should stay apart and think things over. all i replied was "good idea".

i was not at all sad. i was not worried. in fact i was actually planning for a holiday, but due to the swine virus, i might as well just stay home. this is really something i want. something i have waited for for the past 7 years. i wish i can renovate my house now and just move in, and live a life all by myself. i wish this would end just like that.

on the other hand, what i'm most worried are my family. how they would react, how would they feel, will they be sad. how will my kids be growing in a single parent family? will they be laughed at? will they turned bad? i was also thinking... can i really let these stop my life again?

i had, for the past 32 years, living a life worrying about people around me, caring for how they feel, putting their thoughts in front of mine. am i going to continue being like this for the rest of my life? staying in a marriage that i dont like. that argues all the time.

why do i have to be angry for him coming back late?
why do i have to be angry for him waking up at noon?
why do i have to be angry for him not doing anything?

isnt it better that i live my own life? a healthy life with my 2 beautiful kids? i come home from work to my great family, to see my 2 kids, to have dinner with my parents and siblings. so that my kids know what a healthy and normal family is. i hate it when my kids see their dad sleeping so late and waking up so late.

i dont need him. i have thought a lot. think and think and think... but i couldnt find a reason to stay. because i just do not need him. either than that petite cash he is giving me, what else has he given?

even without him in my life, i can still have the life i have. nothing is going to change. if there is, it's only something good. i dont have to argue with him, i dont need to raise my voice, i dont need to worry about another person. i am just doin everything i was doing.

and that's why they say, never let a woman to learn to be independant. i just dont need man.