"make it happen woman! don't just wait for things to happen"
This is one comment I received. And it totally struck my mind. That was what LOL told me before. I told him I wish I was god, then I could have turned back time and do what I want. He assured me no one on earth could do so. I told him I wish I could be Mrs. LOL, have lil' LOL with him. He replied "make it happen, don't wait for things to come to you."
Are we human always sitting on problems instead of solving them? When do we have the courage to stand up for our rights? We only live once a life, why can't we be fair to ourselves? Why can't we be more selfish? Why do we still care what others think?
Is this how life should be? Going all the wrong ways? Or do we actually have a guide of how we should live? Isn't it better if we knew what would happen in the future? If I knew my married life is like this, I wouldn't have stepped into where I am now. All these is it because we think too much? If I were to be contended and love Mr. with all I could, would I still be in a position I don't want?
Tell me, how many people are contended? How many people out there live with no regrets? I dare to say NO!!!
If you can't change something, accept them....
Friday, January 27, 2006
Friday, January 20, 2006
Don't Judge A Book By Its Cover
There are so many unhappy couples out there, but how can we tell? Can anyone actually tell whether or not the family is happy? Are they faking everything?
As for me, I have a million and one issues in mind, or should I say in heart. People sees us (Mr. & I) as the perfect couple. We potray a nice family with everything. I know when to give in. I know what a woman should do. Men need their pride. No matter how bad this relationship is, I never show it in front of anyone. Am I wearing a mask myself? Why am I critizising others when I myself is faking the whole thing?
If that is the case, should I just ignore him? Should I not care what Mr. thinks, how he feels? Shouldn't I even leave some pride for him? I personally cannot do so. It's just me, I'm a person who puts others ahead of me. It matters more to me how they feel than myself. That was one of the biggest reason I didn't leave Mr. when LOL came.
People might think that I am crazy. Everything here is so contradicting, but seriously I don't want this to happen to. I love LOL very much, but on the other hand I was afraid it might hurt Mr. Sometimes, I really wish that I could be more self centered, more selfish.
I see so many people everyday, friends, passerbys, strangers... I would think to myself, are they happy? My answer is a definate NO. No matter how loving they were, problems do arise. All sorts of problems. I am not saying that everyone has an affair or has someone in their hearts. I am just refering to the problem at large. Not only love, but kids, money, in-laws, work, this and that.
When will all this end? Or is there an end to this? Can anyone tell???
As for me, I have a million and one issues in mind, or should I say in heart. People sees us (Mr. & I) as the perfect couple. We potray a nice family with everything. I know when to give in. I know what a woman should do. Men need their pride. No matter how bad this relationship is, I never show it in front of anyone. Am I wearing a mask myself? Why am I critizising others when I myself is faking the whole thing?
If that is the case, should I just ignore him? Should I not care what Mr. thinks, how he feels? Shouldn't I even leave some pride for him? I personally cannot do so. It's just me, I'm a person who puts others ahead of me. It matters more to me how they feel than myself. That was one of the biggest reason I didn't leave Mr. when LOL came.
People might think that I am crazy. Everything here is so contradicting, but seriously I don't want this to happen to. I love LOL very much, but on the other hand I was afraid it might hurt Mr. Sometimes, I really wish that I could be more self centered, more selfish.
I see so many people everyday, friends, passerbys, strangers... I would think to myself, are they happy? My answer is a definate NO. No matter how loving they were, problems do arise. All sorts of problems. I am not saying that everyone has an affair or has someone in their hearts. I am just refering to the problem at large. Not only love, but kids, money, in-laws, work, this and that.
When will all this end? Or is there an end to this? Can anyone tell???
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Me
Well, for those who just happened to read my blog, I am married. I still am although I have someone else in my heart, my mind and my soul. Please do not ask why, as I have been searching for the answer for the past 6 years myself.
Writing this, refreshed my memory. I have known LOL for 6 years, I still remember I met him on 1st December 2000. On 15 December 2000, 1954hours, my phone rang and it was him. Why are these still fresh in my mind? Because he is the only guy I fell in love with the moment I saw him. For my previous 2 boyfriends (including Mr.), I grew to love them, but soon the love faded off.
There is no one man whom I have this feeling for. There are so many guys I have met. Usually it's them who will fall for me. I don't easily fall for guys. I guessed it's my character that they like. As I have mentioned before, I am a very out going girl. People feel comfortable being with me. They will just call me up to accompany them.
I am not a drop dead beautiful. I am pretty, well, a lot of my friends do think that I am pretty. One thing I am lacking is the confidence. I have low self esteem, maybe it's because Mr. always criticise me, saying I am fat and not pretty. (He feels insecured with me as he is not handsome). Chyee, Lynn & many others think that I deserve someone better.
I don't know what is in Mr. that made me be with him for so long. He is a self made millionaire at age of 30 or maybe 29 (I forgot), but that made no difference to me, as I spend my own money. I buy my own things, he doesn't give me pocket money. Even for our wedding, he bought me a 'less than half a carat' diamond. We didn't spend like any other millionaires. He doesn't seemed to care for me, paid no attention to me.
Why? Why? Why am I still stuck in this relationship? Is it the fear of change? The fear of starting everything all over again? The fear of adaption?
I cannot guarantee that LOL is what I want in a husband or even a father (of my son), but at the very least I love him. I believe that if I really loved him so much, I would have given in to a lot of things. Instead of being in a loveless marriage, waiting for the right day to arrive.
Just wonder - when will life ever go my way.
Writing this, refreshed my memory. I have known LOL for 6 years, I still remember I met him on 1st December 2000. On 15 December 2000, 1954hours, my phone rang and it was him. Why are these still fresh in my mind? Because he is the only guy I fell in love with the moment I saw him. For my previous 2 boyfriends (including Mr.), I grew to love them, but soon the love faded off.
There is no one man whom I have this feeling for. There are so many guys I have met. Usually it's them who will fall for me. I don't easily fall for guys. I guessed it's my character that they like. As I have mentioned before, I am a very out going girl. People feel comfortable being with me. They will just call me up to accompany them.
I am not a drop dead beautiful. I am pretty, well, a lot of my friends do think that I am pretty. One thing I am lacking is the confidence. I have low self esteem, maybe it's because Mr. always criticise me, saying I am fat and not pretty. (He feels insecured with me as he is not handsome). Chyee, Lynn & many others think that I deserve someone better.
I don't know what is in Mr. that made me be with him for so long. He is a self made millionaire at age of 30 or maybe 29 (I forgot), but that made no difference to me, as I spend my own money. I buy my own things, he doesn't give me pocket money. Even for our wedding, he bought me a 'less than half a carat' diamond. We didn't spend like any other millionaires. He doesn't seemed to care for me, paid no attention to me.
Why? Why? Why am I still stuck in this relationship? Is it the fear of change? The fear of starting everything all over again? The fear of adaption?
I cannot guarantee that LOL is what I want in a husband or even a father (of my son), but at the very least I love him. I believe that if I really loved him so much, I would have given in to a lot of things. Instead of being in a loveless marriage, waiting for the right day to arrive.
Just wonder - when will life ever go my way.
Friday, January 13, 2006
Who Cares?
What is wrong with ladies nowadays? Is it their problem or am I the extinct species? I have girlfriends who get so jealous over their boyfriends having a girl friend. They are so possesive and there fight over little things. Is that the way it should be? Am I being an asshole for saying this? For me, I have not been like that towards Mr. In fact, whatever he does or wherever he goes, I allow. I don't mind if he goes to the night clubs, pubs or wherever.
Is this trust or zero-love relationship? If the person is LOL, will I be possesive too? Is it bacause I don't love Mr. anymore, that I don't care where he goes or what he does?
Is this trust or zero-love relationship? If the person is LOL, will I be possesive too? Is it bacause I don't love Mr. anymore, that I don't care where he goes or what he does?
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