Me

Well, for those who just happened to read my blog, I am married. I still am although I have someone else in my heart, my mind and my soul. Please do not ask why, as I have been searching for the answer for the past 6 years myself.

Writing this, refreshed my memory. I have known LOL for 6 years, I still remember I met him on 1st December 2000. On 15 December 2000, 1954hours, my phone rang and it was him. Why are these still fresh in my mind? Because he is the only guy I fell in love with the moment I saw him. For my previous 2 boyfriends (including Mr.), I grew to love them, but soon the love faded off.

There is no one man whom I have this feeling for. There are so many guys I have met. Usually it's them who will fall for me. I don't easily fall for guys. I guessed it's my character that they like. As I have mentioned before, I am a very out going girl. People feel comfortable being with me. They will just call me up to accompany them.

I am not a drop dead beautiful. I am pretty, well, a lot of my friends do think that I am pretty. One thing I am lacking is the confidence. I have low self esteem, maybe it's because Mr. always criticise me, saying I am fat and not pretty. (He feels insecured with me as he is not handsome). Chyee, Lynn & many others think that I deserve someone better.

I don't know what is in Mr. that made me be with him for so long. He is a self made millionaire at age of 30 or maybe 29 (I forgot), but that made no difference to me, as I spend my own money. I buy my own things, he doesn't give me pocket money. Even for our wedding, he bought me a 'less than half a carat' diamond. We didn't spend like any other millionaires. He doesn't seemed to care for me, paid no attention to me.

Why? Why? Why am I still stuck in this relationship? Is it the fear of change? The fear of starting everything all over again? The fear of adaption?

I cannot guarantee that LOL is what I want in a husband or even a father (of my son), but at the very least I love him. I believe that if I really loved him so much, I would have given in to a lot of things. Instead of being in a loveless marriage, waiting for the right day to arrive.

Just wonder - when will life ever go my way.