Last weekend Gina came up and we met up with some guys from college. We reached there early and while waiting we talked bout our college days, which I cannot really recall what happened. Anyway, when the guys arrived, we did lots of catching up. There was this guy which was not from our college, just a guy (allan) which Cho & I tried to hook Gina up with.
When he first came in, he was looking at me, in fact he looked at me most of the time. Well, I told you before that I still find people checking me out. I guessed he must be thinking how come I an married.
Anyway, we went on with our dinner, and then went to a club next to the restaurant. We had 2 bottles with compliments of Cho & Allan. I can't seem to drink too much though. Does it mean that I am old for this? Or is it the whiskey that is making me sick? After I gave birth, I think I can't really drink whiskey, brandy is alright.
There in the club, I was thinking of LOL again. I was looking all around to see if I can see his face. Obviously chances were slim as he never go to these places.
A lot of times, while dancing I caught Cho looking at me. Does he really has feelings for me? Or am I being too sensitive here? For years that we have known each other, I have this feeling that he likes me, but he just didn't tell. Maybe he knows that I was with Mr. and didn't to do anything silly.
Do you think a married mother should still go out? Still go out and enjoy herself until late at night? Is there a problem doing so? Aren't we married woman human? We need a break at times too. So what is wrong with going out, as long you know what is right to be done. I am an adult, I am married with a beautiful boy. Do you think I would do anything to ruin my life? I will never do anything that would hurt my boy.
That is why, I told myself, if one day I were to be divorced, I will not get married. I am too afraid that the new other half will do something bad to my son. If he cannot accept my son, he don't deserve me.
Monday, February 20, 2006
Friday, February 17, 2006
Dilemma
Just the other day I got an sms from Gina. She told me that she is in a dilemma. Well, after talking to her for an hour, she really is. She is going out with a woman's husband. I will call him D. According to her, D's wife has moved out of the house and apparently D has brought the whole family to a disagreement.
I remembered 2 months ago when she called telling me about D. I told her to wait until everything is settled (ie, papers signed) before going any further. All this while she has not tell me anything, but knowing her for more than 10 years, I know something has began.
Anyway, too late to look back. She is my best buddy, I know it's not right to be in between a couple, but what is done has been done. My advise to her is that the guy will not divorce. Being in a marrige there are lots and lots of factors to be considered. It is definitely not just 2 people's problem, it is a family issue. Not to say, just walk out of a marriage.
I have been there, done that. I was so so in love with LOL, and still I am stuck here. Why? Because marriage is a responsibility bound by 2 people. And the family comes with the package. I am not saying there is no way out, but it is not easy.
I don't know how much D loves Gina, but from what she told me, I don't think it is that deep. I told Gina straight that he is making her a mistress. She cannot go on like that without a name. They go out as friends. He flirts in front of her, but when other guys talk to her, he gets angry. What on earth is this?
I told her I was in this dilemma 3 years ago, just that we exchanged position. I was the one who was married wanting to divorce. LOL told me to clear and settle everything before starting the relationship with him. He doesn't want to be named a love snatcher, which I totally understand. As in his situation / position, he is worth much more than this. It is all up to me, my life is in my own hands.
I come from a very decent family. All these years, my life, my family has been nice. Everything has been so smooth. No divorce, no fights, no nothing. I love my life. We, among cousins are so obedient, we have not done anything out of expectation. That was one of the reason I didn't choose to divorce. If I really did, not only will I be questioned, but my parents will be pressured as well. I hate to put my family into a difficult situation.
What is there in love? What is love? Can anyone really tell? Is it definable? Some people meet their first love, marry them and he will be the only love in her life. Others, go around sleeping with guys wanting love every night. Some married, but go out to find more love. There are people who doesn't mind sharing love with others.
Why are they so many kind of people on earth? And who is right? Who is wrong?
I remembered 2 months ago when she called telling me about D. I told her to wait until everything is settled (ie, papers signed) before going any further. All this while she has not tell me anything, but knowing her for more than 10 years, I know something has began.
Anyway, too late to look back. She is my best buddy, I know it's not right to be in between a couple, but what is done has been done. My advise to her is that the guy will not divorce. Being in a marrige there are lots and lots of factors to be considered. It is definitely not just 2 people's problem, it is a family issue. Not to say, just walk out of a marriage.
I have been there, done that. I was so so in love with LOL, and still I am stuck here. Why? Because marriage is a responsibility bound by 2 people. And the family comes with the package. I am not saying there is no way out, but it is not easy.
I don't know how much D loves Gina, but from what she told me, I don't think it is that deep. I told Gina straight that he is making her a mistress. She cannot go on like that without a name. They go out as friends. He flirts in front of her, but when other guys talk to her, he gets angry. What on earth is this?
I told her I was in this dilemma 3 years ago, just that we exchanged position. I was the one who was married wanting to divorce. LOL told me to clear and settle everything before starting the relationship with him. He doesn't want to be named a love snatcher, which I totally understand. As in his situation / position, he is worth much more than this. It is all up to me, my life is in my own hands.
I come from a very decent family. All these years, my life, my family has been nice. Everything has been so smooth. No divorce, no fights, no nothing. I love my life. We, among cousins are so obedient, we have not done anything out of expectation. That was one of the reason I didn't choose to divorce. If I really did, not only will I be questioned, but my parents will be pressured as well. I hate to put my family into a difficult situation.
What is there in love? What is love? Can anyone really tell? Is it definable? Some people meet their first love, marry them and he will be the only love in her life. Others, go around sleeping with guys wanting love every night. Some married, but go out to find more love. There are people who doesn't mind sharing love with others.
Why are they so many kind of people on earth? And who is right? Who is wrong?
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
The Answer to The Question
Why did I make the decision to wear the ring? Why did I sign the papers? Why did I choose to be a Mrs?
These questions had haunted me for the past 3 years. I still cannot find the answer myself. Well, at that very moment, I thought no one was there for me anymore. He treated me fairly good. I have called LOL so many times asking for an answer. Still he told me, the time was not right. So being a girl with no more hope of love, what more can I do?
Somehow at that point, Mr. proposed. I wasnt going out with him then, but we still keep in touch. After he proposed, I called LOL. I asked if was it time yet. I didnt mention anything about the proposal. I know I should have, but I just couldnt bring myself to tell him the truth. So after his 'no entry' answer, I sort of gave up hope.
While deciding on my wedding night gown, I took out the cloth LOL bought me. I told Lynn that I will make a nice gown out of it. And she replied "Are you okay? This is LOL's cloth. You want to wear it for your wedding? Another man's gift to you? A man of your life?" Oh... then I realised I was wrong. I still have the cloth in my wardrobe now.....
I didnt tell much to either Lynn, Gina or Chyee about me having doubts about the wedding. I told no one. I kept it to myself. I thought I didnt want anyone to be troubled by my problems anymore. I should have and regretted, really. I didnt give out my invitations until almost the very last day. When I thought I have made a right decision it came out I was wrong. Not until I received the call from LOL.
That changed my life - forever. I know my life will not be the same, I can never turn back time.
How serious is LOL to me, I really dont know. One fine day, when I decide to give this to him, he might be sitting in one corner laughing at how stupid I am OR be so touched that I still have him in my heart. Which one would it be I really dont know. I, too want to know. Should I let him know what's in my heart all this years? Should I give him the link to this words of mine? If yes, when? Does it really matter now that I am married with a baby? What is the use of all this love and words and regrets when everything is already in place, when nothing can be changed?
These questions had haunted me for the past 3 years. I still cannot find the answer myself. Well, at that very moment, I thought no one was there for me anymore. He treated me fairly good. I have called LOL so many times asking for an answer. Still he told me, the time was not right. So being a girl with no more hope of love, what more can I do?
Somehow at that point, Mr. proposed. I wasnt going out with him then, but we still keep in touch. After he proposed, I called LOL. I asked if was it time yet. I didnt mention anything about the proposal. I know I should have, but I just couldnt bring myself to tell him the truth. So after his 'no entry' answer, I sort of gave up hope.
While deciding on my wedding night gown, I took out the cloth LOL bought me. I told Lynn that I will make a nice gown out of it. And she replied "Are you okay? This is LOL's cloth. You want to wear it for your wedding? Another man's gift to you? A man of your life?" Oh... then I realised I was wrong. I still have the cloth in my wardrobe now.....
I didnt tell much to either Lynn, Gina or Chyee about me having doubts about the wedding. I told no one. I kept it to myself. I thought I didnt want anyone to be troubled by my problems anymore. I should have and regretted, really. I didnt give out my invitations until almost the very last day. When I thought I have made a right decision it came out I was wrong. Not until I received the call from LOL.
That changed my life - forever. I know my life will not be the same, I can never turn back time.
How serious is LOL to me, I really dont know. One fine day, when I decide to give this to him, he might be sitting in one corner laughing at how stupid I am OR be so touched that I still have him in my heart. Which one would it be I really dont know. I, too want to know. Should I let him know what's in my heart all this years? Should I give him the link to this words of mine? If yes, when? Does it really matter now that I am married with a baby? What is the use of all this love and words and regrets when everything is already in place, when nothing can be changed?
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