Why did I make the decision to wear the ring? Why did I sign the papers? Why did I choose to be a Mrs?
These questions had haunted me for the past 3 years. I still cannot find the answer myself. Well, at that very moment, I thought no one was there for me anymore. He treated me fairly good. I have called LOL so many times asking for an answer. Still he told me, the time was not right. So being a girl with no more hope of love, what more can I do?
Somehow at that point, Mr. proposed. I wasnt going out with him then, but we still keep in touch. After he proposed, I called LOL. I asked if was it time yet. I didnt mention anything about the proposal. I know I should have, but I just couldnt bring myself to tell him the truth. So after his 'no entry' answer, I sort of gave up hope.
While deciding on my wedding night gown, I took out the cloth LOL bought me. I told Lynn that I will make a nice gown out of it. And she replied "Are you okay? This is LOL's cloth. You want to wear it for your wedding? Another man's gift to you? A man of your life?" Oh... then I realised I was wrong. I still have the cloth in my wardrobe now.....
I didnt tell much to either Lynn, Gina or Chyee about me having doubts about the wedding. I told no one. I kept it to myself. I thought I didnt want anyone to be troubled by my problems anymore. I should have and regretted, really. I didnt give out my invitations until almost the very last day. When I thought I have made a right decision it came out I was wrong. Not until I received the call from LOL.
That changed my life - forever. I know my life will not be the same, I can never turn back time.
How serious is LOL to me, I really dont know. One fine day, when I decide to give this to him, he might be sitting in one corner laughing at how stupid I am OR be so touched that I still have him in my heart. Which one would it be I really dont know. I, too want to know. Should I let him know what's in my heart all this years? Should I give him the link to this words of mine? If yes, when? Does it really matter now that I am married with a baby? What is the use of all this love and words and regrets when everything is already in place, when nothing can be changed?
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4 comments:
If u don't want to end it, hold on to it...
These words and regrets and stuffs might be good only for sometime..
It is u're actions that matters..
Just have one question..Did LOL ever try to call u after this?? What was his reaction to the news of u're marriage??
he was really depressed, he said he has never cried for a girl. i was the first he shed a tear.
he has called after that. i know he loves me. he really do. i hope i am right though.
I can understand that....
I think he will still love u..But it has been some time since..right??
So your memories will be there in his mind.. but not as fresh as it used to be...
He even might have moved on with his life...but sure those memories will be there..I bet :-)
May be u can also keep those memories in your heart and keep going..
But please do not do anything stupid..
atleast for your kid's sake...
i know he will definitely move on with his life. probably married with a kid or 2.
and i totally agree with you, no matter how far he has moved on, i will always be part of him. there is no way he can delete me from his life.
at least that is something to be happy about.
and dont worry i will not do anything tohurt my son. he is my life.
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