Memories Brought Back

Sometimes I wish I can write while driving. Everytime when I drive, memories & thoughts keep coming in. I think it must be the songs I listen to and the fact that I'm alone. I once told someone, that I cannot be left alone. I need company. It's quite funny how some people prefer to spend the rest of their lives alone.

Have you ever felt lonelier on rainy days? Does it make you sadder when the skies turn grey? Does some songs bring memories back to you? Have you ever smelled a scent that reminds you of someone? Does a short phrase or few words make you remember someone?

I have, I really do and I am very sensitive towards all this petty things. There are songs which I dare not hear anymore. Sometimes when I hear them playing, I would just switch them off. Why is this so? Are these things installed in our mind?

Are We Too Giving??

My bro is seeing a girl. A new girl in his life. Everytime when he is going after someone, I feel uneasy. Why is this so? Maybe because I am too attached to my family that I tend to be a little possessive at times. But this time, after a while, I realised I shouldn't as he is not young anymore and this girl seemed nice, from his description.

Anyway, I am writing this not to tell you how good or bad this lady is, but to tell you how giving we are. Does this run in the family? My brother has done so much for this new girl of his, even now that she is not his girlfriend yet. I was a little unhappy about what he is doing. If this girl falls for all these, can this be called love? Or is it just materialistic?

Then again I thought, I am not in that position to say this. I myself is like that. Thinking back again, I pamper my guys so much. I always make them feel wanted. I guessed guys always love being with me, because I am a nice and easy going person. I am trustworthy and honest. I don't pretend in front of others. I am who I am.

When I am in a relationship, I am always giving. I don't know why. I always put people ahead of me. Am I stupid? I remember Lynn telling me once that we are human, we should be selfish. I never learnt. Even though I know I don't love Mr. that much anymore, I still treat him well. I am afraid I might hurt him in some ways.

And I remembered LOL telling me, he loves to be pampered. Well, he sure knows who to find. I can be so pampering. There were so much restrictions when I was with LOL. I don't know why. Maybe at that point I was still shy. I am, and I am just being myself. I'm not hiding anything, it's just natural for me to feel shy in front of people.

I love him, I still do. And another regret was that I restricted myself from him. I bet if he sees more of me, there is no way he will let me go.

18-20th Centuries

I went to TTDI the other day. Went past 18-20th Centuries Restaurant and thought, so much has changed. Even the restaurant had moved. Why am I still looking back? Shouldn't I be moving on with my life? I already have a family and there is no way I am going to turn back. So why don't I make the fullest out of this? I know I am a wonderful wife and a great mother. Well, there is a saying - if you can't change, accept it.

I still remember LOL brought me there, he knows that I love antiques and old old stuffs. He knows me well enough. I loved the place. I remember we were sitting opposite each other, by the time we finished our meal, I was sharing his chair. Although it was too small, we both enjoyed the closeness.

Before we left the place, he asked whether I like it, I told him I loved it. And he said, "you don't bring anyone here ok, you can only come here with me." Yes, I kept my promise and till today I have not stepped into that restaurant.

Sometimes I wonder, why am I taking these words so seriously. I can just go in and dine and enjoy the food with anyone, whether it's Mr. or any friends. He wouldn't know and what if he does? Why? Why haven't I been in there? It's my heart that tells me to keep my distance from that place. I have made a promise to him, and I am just trying my best to fulfill it.

These are just petty things that a girl will keep in their head. Are we ladies always the weaker gender? Do men keep these thoughts in mind? Or do they just keep them in their hearts and not let them out?

It has been quite sometime since I last talk about LOL to anyone. Does this mean it has end? Does this mean I have moved on? If so, why am I still thinking of him? Can I get rid of him exclusively? No doubt it's difficult to move on with LOL still in me, but I will try. That's the only way out, only I can help myself. All I should focus on now is my family - anything else will just be memories, thoughts which is kept within me for lives!!!

Baby Boom

It's the time of the month again. It always comes, at least once a month. How can I actually stop this? How can I stop feeling this way? Well, I think of LOL every day, but once a month the feeling towards LOL is so strong that I really want to shout out the word - divorce. Sometimes I think I am too much, am I?

Or is it him that made me feel this way? I don't feel appreciated, at all. I have put in so much effort in my son and yet he still thinks I didn't teach him well. Hello, please look in the mirror. I felt so sad having him as the father of my son. He is definitely not the father I want for my son. He knows nuts about babies and families.

Actually I have made up my mind to have another baby. Again, it's merely because I think I want another one for myself. As I have mentioned again and again, I would have gave birth to more, if I married LOL. I love babies, I do. If I were to be with the one I love most, I would have given birth to more.

I hesistated again, after I had this feeling. So how am I supposed to live on? Can you actually have babies with the person you don't love?