Scared

Since the last post of my marriage therapy, I have not mentioned about it. How it went, what happened, was it right or wrong, good or bad?

Well, the past 3 months went on really well. We have been good, learning to give and take. I have been really patient, he too. We had sex, finally. It wasnt that bad, it was good actually. For that 3 months, we did more than we had for the last 7 years of our marriage.

Anyway, this 2 days, the feeling suddenly disappear again. I suddenly felt like 4 months ago, before the therapy books, before the argument, before giving in and all. I avoided sex, I felt annoying again. Why is this so? I thought I have fully left everything behind and started all over again. But how come it's coming back? I'm so scared.

Is this going to be like this forever? Once in a while it comes back? The last 3 months was good. I had a normal married life.

I'm so scared.

You Are Not Alone

there is something about songs...

everytime i listen to "you are not alone", i will think of ed. i just dont know why, and in fact i miss him a lot. there is something about him that i kind of like. all these years and still he is single and as playboy as ever (i guess).

the other day i met him in a restaurant. we talked, just a while. he always look at me in a certain way. his eyes seemed to be telling me he misses me a lot. well, i just think we, women has a sence of sensitivity. we know it, we really do.

now that micheal jackson is dead, the song keeps on playing - on radios, on tv, on my notebook. which is why i'm writing this now. i do miss him. sometimes i thought, it might be good to just come out for a drink and do some catching ups. not that i wanna start anything, it's just for old friends' sake.

Therapy...

I called up the center yesterday to schedule a booking. I kind of felt weird. I didnt know how or what to say to the guy on the other line. It's kind of funny to tell a stranger you have a problem. Anyway after he told me the price, I hang up - nicely. What the hell? Paying 600 bucks for a session - to tell a total stranger my problems? That's total bullshit. I would rather have a friend sit in front of us, telling them our problems.

And after I reached home, had dinner with my family, I took my son for a walk in a bookstore. I put him in the kid's section. There I was strolling down the "self improvment" section. Another funny thing. Standing there, I feel myself kind of embarrass, searching for books to help improve myself. Do I really need these?

Books like, Relationship Rescue, Why Woman can read maps, Help!!!, Woman are from Venus, Men are from MArs. All these titles made me feel not alone. There were tonnes of books about rescueing a relationship, blah blah blah. That means I am not the only one who needed help. If there were so many books written about these, it only meant one thing - men are from mars & women from venus.

I finally took 2 books - Mars & Venus Together Forever & The Secrets of a Happily Married Woman. We left and I headed straight to bed, not to sleep but to start my Family Rescue 101. I read and read and read. Wow, it almost answered all my questions. And for just one night, I have actually finished half the book.

Then I realised... what men really are and what they really want. And suddenly I feel so much an idiot to have wasted so much time on something that is not there.

I do hope that this thing will help me and hope it's not too late. But I need his help too. I know this book will help, but will not totally change me now. I do need time. I need his help to make me a better wife and I know we will make it happen.

Wish US luck... cheers to better marriage

Back to square 1

i think he knows me too well. he knows that i will not do anything to hurt my family. i think he knows i love my family too much. he is putting all the blame on me now. and this made me think twice.

am i really that bad a wife? or a person in general? if he has so much complaints about me, is there a reason for us to stay in this marriage? he said i always dig out his problems only when major arguments occur. i dont complain doesnt mean he has no faults. ok. maybe i tell him his problems at the wrong time, but why does he has to blame everything on me?

i know the problems really exist and i have not loved him back.

am i going to just sit on these problems and give in again?

i checked the psychologist center again. there is this thing called family therapy. should we both go? are there any better solutions?

i will give in for the last time and try to be a good wife. i'm giving myself 6 months, if things really doesnt work out, then i'm really gonna be out of here.

Finally...

these days we had more arguments than usual. we would quarrel over small issues. everything he does is wrong, everything i did was against him. finally yesterday, he said, we should stay apart and think things over. all i replied was "good idea".

i was not at all sad. i was not worried. in fact i was actually planning for a holiday, but due to the swine virus, i might as well just stay home. this is really something i want. something i have waited for for the past 7 years. i wish i can renovate my house now and just move in, and live a life all by myself. i wish this would end just like that.

on the other hand, what i'm most worried are my family. how they would react, how would they feel, will they be sad. how will my kids be growing in a single parent family? will they be laughed at? will they turned bad? i was also thinking... can i really let these stop my life again?

i had, for the past 32 years, living a life worrying about people around me, caring for how they feel, putting their thoughts in front of mine. am i going to continue being like this for the rest of my life? staying in a marriage that i dont like. that argues all the time.

why do i have to be angry for him coming back late?
why do i have to be angry for him waking up at noon?
why do i have to be angry for him not doing anything?

isnt it better that i live my own life? a healthy life with my 2 beautiful kids? i come home from work to my great family, to see my 2 kids, to have dinner with my parents and siblings. so that my kids know what a healthy and normal family is. i hate it when my kids see their dad sleeping so late and waking up so late.

i dont need him. i have thought a lot. think and think and think... but i couldnt find a reason to stay. because i just do not need him. either than that petite cash he is giving me, what else has he given?

even without him in my life, i can still have the life i have. nothing is going to change. if there is, it's only something good. i dont have to argue with him, i dont need to raise my voice, i dont need to worry about another person. i am just doin everything i was doing.

and that's why they say, never let a woman to learn to be independant. i just dont need man.

How Long More?

I just dont know how long more I can stand. I have been really tolerant all these years. I really dont know how else I can be. I just let him be who he is. I let him go where he wants to go. I allow him to do whatever he wants to do. I always believe that he is old enough to do what is right and able to judge what is wrong. He made a million in 2 weeks. He did not buy anything nice for me. He did not even bring me to a nice dinner. He did not plan to bring me for a holiday. I did not ask anything from him. I respect him, he said he needs those money for our kids. But he lost 2/3 of those. What have I got to say? What is this? He lost so much and yet, I did not ask one question, I did not scold. I did not throw my tantrums on him. I am just so disappointed. He always plans his trips with his friends but never with me. And when I say I wanna go out, he just ask why am I going so many places in a year or so. Why why why? I am just so fed up. He wakes up late, around noon. He goes out with his friends till late at night. Coming back at 1 or 2am is considered early for him. He cannot stay in the house. He complains that I dont bring my kids home to sleep, but when I do, he will leave the house as usual. So what is the point? He expects me to work, take care of the kids, do this, do that, do everything. He expects me to do all housework, and on the hand tells me that I should also support the family. So what is the use of having a husband? What is the use of having him when I can do everything on my own? I told myself... Please dont be too independant. If one day, I feel that I can do everything on my own and not need him, I might make rash decisions. This is not a life that I want. This is not a husband that I want. This is not a father I want for my kids. I'm just a simply lady. All I want is a normal home. A husband who works and love and care, a father who loves and play. I only want a family like my own. A husband like my dad or my brother. Am I asking for too much? Ok, he has been waking up rather late every weekday, so what is the problem with waking up early on weekends? To be with the kids, to bring us out. By the time he wakes up, it's already time for my kids to nap. Is this a family? I am still standing where I am for the sake of my kids. Really. And I know it's sad, but I have tried moving on. I really want to be home, but when he goes out and leaves me alone at home, I feel frustrated and mad. I would rather go back to my mum's house than to sleep alone. How am I suppose to live like this anymore?

My 3 Pals

I have 3 best friends. I know when we use the word best, it usually refers to only one, but who cares.

1) Gina (14 years)
I have actually known her for 14 years. Wow, of course she is my "bestest" buddy. Although we dont see each other very often, we are still best friends. We share everything. I love being with her and I can just do anything beside her. We went to college, then to pre-u, then all the way to Australia and then came back.

We go clubbing together, we dance together. We laughed, we smiled, we cried together. I missed her a lot cause she stays far far away and I only get to see her maybe 4-5 times a year. Sigh.

2) Lynn (12 years)
I always liked her, even before I knew her. Until we went to Australia only did I know her. Even then we were not that close. Just friends. Then when we came back from Australia, we became reall good friends. We started a business together, although it didnt work out, nothing came between us. The failure of the business didnt break our friendship.

We shared a lot. She was the first one whom I told about LOL. She was beside me all the while. I cried in front of her. We talked and shared a lot. We learn and taught each other a lot.

3) Jee (8 years)
We have a lot in common. We share the same surname, the same dialect. I dont share a lot of my personal stuff with her, but we do share other things. She sometimes can be really annoying but still I dont know why I treat her as my best friend. Maybe friends mean having to forgive and forget.

She is someone who will do anything to please you.

There you go, here are 3 of my best buddies. Just a simple something about them. And hopefully we will be friends forever.

"MY"

I have been married for almost 7 years. And I just realised, I have never used the word "my" for anything or whoever on his family side. For example...

1) his mum - my husband's mother, mr's mother, his mother
2) his sister - my husand's sis, mr's sis, his sister
3) the house we used to live in with his parents - his house, mr's house, his mom's house

I have never used the phrases, "my mother in law, my sister in law, our house"

To come to think of it, is this right? I have been married for so many years and yet I still dont want to acknowledge them as related to me? Why is this so? Am I bad? Both him & I agree that I am a perfect daughter, the best sister, but when it comes to in law, I sucked. He always say that I dont love him, I dont treat his family like my own, I dont treat the house as a home.

Yes, I agree. I never liked 'that' house. Cause there was no privacy, people can just come in and 'search' my drawers and read my letters. Funny how they lived and funny they were brought up this way. I am not trying to criticise on how people raise a family, but I am just so annoyed at that time. How can I make that my home?

Till today, only did I realised I have never used MY in laws. Well, I guess I should, now. Since I am given a 'home' and I get to do what I like.

I have decided to build this feeling with mr. I have decided to make it happen, rather than letting it be like this forever.

it's that time again - when the skies turn grey, the rain starts to fall, the temperature suddenly drops. and here i am sitting in front of my notebook once again, feeling out of place. dont feel like talking, no mood for laughings. suddenly everything becomes wrong. this is not right, that is wrong.

how can i actually overcome these? why does this feeling comes without warnings?

"duh"