Happy for Him

Last week, Chyee told me she saw LOL. But LOL didnt came over to say hi. Why? He hates me so much, that he even ignores my friends? Anyway, after that, I logged into FB and searched for him again. I dont know why I do that, but every once in a while, I will.

I clicked on his wife's FB too, and this time, a lot of pictures came out. I looked at every picture in detail. From those photos, I can tell that he is great. He has a happy family. I no longer hope that I am the one standing next to him. I know there is a big No between us long ago, but there is still a part of him in me. I cannot seem to forget him at all.

Well, at least I'm not like before anymore. Sitting in a corner, hiding away crying to myself. Those days have passed and it's gone. The feeling is not as great anymore. I am happy for him, to have found himself a great wife and to have 2 beautiful daughters...

I still miss him, though.

Dreams

Yesterday I dreamt of Ed. So much about him. Very intimate dream. Till now, I'm still thinking of it. It has been ages since I last saw him. I missed him though. In the middle of the dream, I woke, I really had the urge to pick the phone and send him an SMS saying that I miss him. Thank god I didnt. I dont want to start anything stupid again...

Trust No More

All these years I have trusted him so much. Wherever he goes, whatever he does, I dont ask. When I see him sad, I asked him to go out with his friends. He goes to nightclubs, I dont ask what he does. I told him that is trust.

Now I know he is not doing well, I saved with him. I dont spend much. Everything I want to buy, I would think twice. I went on holiday with my parents, I paid for myself. I sometimes sit and think, and feel bad for being parents who cant afford a good school for our kids.

All the above ended. Ended since last Friday.
I went home with my son like any other day. Make him do his homework and then played with him. When he was watching TV, I went over to the PC to check some mails and FB. When I opened, a funny page came up. A page where people advertise to look for activity partners. I know he is into watching porns on the web, but I didnt know of such sites where people look for sex. I was shocked, but calm.

So I clicked on the 'back' button. and it lead me to something worse. I had the shock of my life. It was gmail, not the ordinary account he used. It was a totally new account. And there it was an email from some girls. I cant remember the whole mail, but I can never forget the words like - I'm forty, average looking. meet me in xxx on Wednesday. My number is xxxxxxxxx. WTF!!!

I didnt know what to do. I just looked at the mail for a while and then went back to the other site. I typed the username (same as the gmail account) and found 3 advertisment..

Subject: Sugar Baby
Age: 40
Looking for: Activity partner
Self employed, chinese,

Willing to pay monthly allowance of 3k.

That really broke my heart.

I confronted him and he told me that he has no intention to meet them or even giving them the 3k.

If there is no intention, why would he wants to meet them, give them the real phone number? or even tell them he is an average guy? No intention would mean giving allowance of 8k, 6ft tall, looks like brad pitt, and a fake phone number.