ED

Last 3 days I actually dreamt that Ed is married. Someone told me he got married... and he looked at me as though he was trying to hide. Anyway, it was just a dream. But it made me think of him...

And today, AnK came to look for me. We were talking about some insurance he sold me. Don't know where it lead, but he told me Ed got married last week, just last week. 

I was surprised at how coincident it can be. I just dreamt of him getting married, and he really did got married. Wow. Anyway, another thing that I was surprise is, how come he didnt invite me? Why not? Yup, we havent got in touch for a loooooong time, but I do think of him once in a while. 

I went to his FB and searched. There were only 3 pictures of his wedding... and no tags of his new wife. 

Funny...

Bits & Pieces

He said:

1) I dreamt of you last night
2) Ya, she is very important, that I don't contact her much
3) Did you miss me?

Weirder

It just got weirder.... Yesterday we went for a massage, just the both of us - Zdor & I. How weird can it get?

Weird

Last night we went out drinking. A lot of us, cause Zdor wanted to meet Gina. I don't condone affairs, and I didnt do anything to encourage them too. It's nice to see them both together, but too bad he is married.

Anyway, after that we left and went home. Gina slept with me, and we talked. She said that she is happy for me, that she is glad that everything I have sacrifice for has made it's return. That Mr. is treating me so well. And I told her, I will always be there for her. She can spend the rest of her life with me. We can grow old together. She will always have me.

And the weirdest thing happened. I had a dream. For the whole night, I dreamt of Zdor. That's really weird. I cant remember exactly what happened in the dream, but I know it's him.

WTF was I thinking... Dreaming of a man that is married. That is not bad enough? Yes, he is Mr's friend of 20 years.

It's that time again

Everything is getting along well between Mr. & me, however this morning when I woke up, I had that feeling again. Don't ask me how it felt, I just dont know how to explain. I have been seeing lots of 1711 everywhere.
The other day I went to SS2, and was in front of a duck shop - the place I always go with LOL. And the best thing was, the car parked right in front of the shop had the number plate 1711.

I went out to get myself a pack of fags. I know it's not good for me, but once in a while, it does help a little. I don't smoke, maybe once or twice a year. Does it really help? It didn't. So I went back and went to search for him again. Nothing much, he posted something about CPAB, I have no idea what it is.

Instead of FB, I decided to google... and his name came out a few times. Once a girl mentioned him as a lecturer. Another time was his profile for being a lecturer in one of the colleges here. Wow, I thought he would not move up here, but he did. Also, he was a developer in 2005? I really didnt know that. I thought he was only helping his dad in his development company... Anyway, it doesn't matter anymore, does it?

Why do these feelings come? It just comes as and when it wants. Don't I have control over any of these? I cant control? It's my life here.

Anyway... the other I was talking to Zdor again. Just casual talk, and I told him how Mr. loves me...His  reply "if he really loves you that much, he would have went out and given you the time to yourself." Wow, he really understands me. For that moment (till now) I have been thinking alot. It feels so nice and right to have someone who understands you.

I really want sometime alone............... Just once in a while.

Crazy

I have been talking to Zdor a lot lately, about everything. And I think we are quiet close. Our kind of talking is only on social networking, and not those verbal ones - on the phone, bla bla bla.

However these days, I felt something. Something that I have not felt in a long time. Every time when I am on social network (sn), I will look out for him. And when he is not online for a few days, I would think where is he? Is this missing someone? Well, not like I will start anything with him, nor will he even want to... But why am I having these thoughts? This is kind of scary, I really don't want these to continue as I really don't know where this will lead me to.

Some nights before I sleep, I would think... fantasize, imagine myself in a world where I will never be. To be loved and cared for all over again. And I tried so hard not to include him in these. Last night, I had a dream. A funny dream, where Zdor & I were walking. Suddenly he came to hold my hand. I did not push him away, instead I dragged him nearer to me. And then he kissed me... It ended. I was half glad, half disappointed. Wanting to know what happened next, and on the other hand, I'm so wrong to even have dreams like these.

I am sitting in front of the computer writing and holding a glass of rosé. Life is good.

Does time heals?

It has been quite a while since I last wrote. I remembered saying everytime I blog, it's when I'm unhappy. Why is it that this blog is all about sorrows?

However, today it's nothing bad. I'm not sad, not depressed. Just that while I was driving home alone yesterday, I remembered this blog. And I thought, how come I have been writing for so long. And then the 'fuck you' thingy came up. Thoughts came in asking why did he said that? What made him hate me so much? What have I done? I on this side of the country missing him so much, and he on the other side hates me like hell.

I have been talking to Zdor lately. He told me a lot about his affair, and how much he loved her. That he has considered leaving the wife for her. But still, he is a husband, nothing was done. It is really not easy to leave a marriage, moreover he has kids.

I asked him, when will he ever hate the girl?

If she goes MIA on him - NO

If she has another man - NO

If she leaves you - NO

The only thing that will make him hate her is when she kills her kid. Ya, that's obvious.

So why is it that he hates me so much? I didnt kill any of his family. Sometimes I really feel like sending him a message asking him what the hell have I done? Have I really hurt him so much, that he doesnt even want to talk to me?

Zdor loves the girls so much that he said he is willing to do anything just for the wife to leave him. I told him don't worry, time will heal. He said it will never heal. I wanted so much to tell him that I have been through that, but I cant.

Yes time can heal... certain part of it. And for me, it took 10 years. I still miss him, I still think of him, but not like before anymore. I will not cry. I will not hide anymore... Just miss him.