What Have I Done?

What is it in a marriage? I have asked and answered this so many times. Somehow, it just won't go into my head.

Mr. & I have been through so many things. The affair, the depression, almost everything. And I am where I am now. Married for 3 1/2 years, with a pretty boy. Why is it that we have been through so much, but when it comes to intimacy, it's zero?

Does this mean I have not gotten over it yet? Does this mean I still want to be with LOL? Does it mean I love Mr. no more? I am so afraid. Today, I have 2 friends saying that they have problems with their marriage, and have thought of divorcing.

Then again I thought, I have been through what they are going through now, but why am I here? Why can't I be firm enough to want what I want? If I was them, I would have been divorced 3 years ago.

That's me, that is just so me. Everyone who knows me, knows that I will sit in silence. I will not do anything that's out of ordinary. Why is this so? Why can't I just stand up for my own rights? Sometimes, I really feel sad for what I daren't do.

Depression

Just now, jee told me she was having depression. She is having problems with her husband. This kind of triggered me. The thought of my depression came back.

It was during the days when LOL & I separated. I was thinking so much that I had gone into the stage of depression. The things that I have done:-

• stayed in the office until late
• didn't speak to mr. at all (just one word conversation)
• went straight to bed, when reach home
• cry out loud suddenly
• try to stay alone all the time
• thought of cutting my own wrist
• thought of taking lots of sleeping pills
• thought of running away from home
• etc etc

Wow, and thank god I am where I am now. Thanks to my family. I have said a million times, they are my motivation to live on. If not for them, I would have be dead. But at that point in time, there was no one, no single soul who knows that I was in depression. Not even Lynn, Gina or Chyee. I told no soul. Well, that's one of the signs of depression - staying away.

The Distance

Just now in the car, I was listening to this song. I dont know the title or who sang it, but it just sounded nice. I listened to the lyrics and it got me into doing some thinking.

There was one verse "the furthest distance between 2 person is not life or death, it's when you sit opposite someone you love knowing you cannot have him/her". Another, "no matter how much we study, how high our education level is, we still cannot define the real meaning of love".

And that is so true. School doesnt teach us meaning of love. Love is something you have to go out and find it yourself. Sometimes if you are lucky, you'll find it very soon. At times, you just sit and wonder where the hell it is.

That was what I told LOL. Sitting opposite him and not being able to hold him or tell him I love him is so hurting. That is why I never dare to see him again. I dont have the courage to see him in his eyes and talk to him like any other person. He is someone I love so much, I cannot just treat him like a friend. I know he will not agree with me on this. But I am just who I am. I cant. And that is the biggest reason why I didnt give him my new number.

Is there anyone out there who knows the real meaning?