bye forever

i decided to message him again. and after 2 days he replied, "it's best that you dont message me, thanks". i was kinda surprise at his reply, as i know he is not at all those people who would say that. but i respected him and i didnt reply.

this morning i couldnt stop thinking of that message, so i told gina bout it. she said i should reply him, "alright, best wishes to you & ur family, bye forever." well, i did as i really didnt know what else to write. and after 2 hours, he replied "fuck off".

i was devastated. what is wrong with him? what did i do that hurt him so much? what did i do that made him so mad at me? what did i do to get this in return?

for the past so many years of missing him, thinking of him and this is what i get in return? what have i done? i have not given him my phone number that's all. so? what's the big deal? he doesnt know what i had been through. he doesnt know why i didnt give him my number? he didnt know how hurt i was. i guess he really doesnt know me well enough. he doesnt understand why i have been hiding from him.

why have i done all this suffering to get this in return?

if i hadnt love him so much, i would be good friends with him. as i have said, it's really killing me to sit by him and yet not holding him.

well, maybe it's a good thing too. maybe this is when i should stop all this nonsense. it's time to fully concentrate on my family. time to let all these go. time to really say "bye forever"

I am Mad

i really think that there is a huge problem with me, i mean my relationship with mr. well, there really is a great one. i dont know why is it that i dont like my kids getting close to their father. everytime they get closer, i feel uneasy or anger comes in. i am a "very-family-oriented" person, if you know me well. the bonding between family is really strong to me. i am extremely close to my parents and my brother and also my relatives. i would call my aunties to ask how are they and just chat with them.

but when it comes to mr or any of his side's i loose control. why is this so? am i trying to put a border in between them and us? i just dont like my kids being close to them. i really dont know why and i know it's wrong, but i just cannot control it.

maybe there is always a thought of divorce in me. i have been trying so hard to loose this thought, but it doesnt help at all. i know whatever happens, LOL will not leave his family. so why am i still having this feeling? cant i just let him go and focus on my marriage more? is it because there is too much unsatisfactories in my marriage that made me wanna think twice?

i only want an ordinary life. a home to return to with love. a husband that sleeps and wakes up early. a husband who leads a normal life. a father who would pay more attention to the kids, who would play with them, who would share their joy.

he is totally different. i feel like crying thinking of who i have chosen.

hi there

for the past few months i was hooked with facebook. and since it's such a popular thing now, i thought i might as well try to search for LOL. the exact name came out - one and only. i don't know whether i should be happy or not. all these years of not having contact with him, i wanted so much to know what's happening to him.

now that i have, my heart felt a little sore when i saw his picture with his wife and daughter. i hesitated whether should i message him, should i add him as friend, should i create another account just for him? should i this should i that?

after typing hundreds of words in the message window, i pressed the backspace button and after typing and erasing for so many times, i finally decided not to message him. but still i check on him to see what was he doing.

he is so sweet and as i expect him to be. he got himself a frog pet and named it rooney. he petted him everyday and bought him food. he car raced with friends and even joined the MU group. i miss him so much.

i saw him changing his mood from stress to lonely... then after many days of visiting his profile, he wrote '... is missing my wife and daughter". my heart sank. well, i really cant help feeling it. i thought him being lonely is because he doesnt love his wife or something. it's really hard to find a man to write this. i envy, i'm so jealous. he is mine, well, he was mine and i should be the wife he is refering to. what have i done? why have i chose such a route? i want LOL to be my husband.

i finally got the courage to message him. i didnt know what to say, just left him a "hi, there". but till today there still isn't any reply. did he see the message but ignored it, or he hasn't seen the message at all?

so what if he replies? are we going to friends again? can i get over all these? can i see him and act as if nothing in the world happened? the feeling is right, i know i have not forgotten him, i know i still love him so much. i know and i really do.