I am Mad

i really think that there is a huge problem with me, i mean my relationship with mr. well, there really is a great one. i dont know why is it that i dont like my kids getting close to their father. everytime they get closer, i feel uneasy or anger comes in. i am a "very-family-oriented" person, if you know me well. the bonding between family is really strong to me. i am extremely close to my parents and my brother and also my relatives. i would call my aunties to ask how are they and just chat with them.

but when it comes to mr or any of his side's i loose control. why is this so? am i trying to put a border in between them and us? i just dont like my kids being close to them. i really dont know why and i know it's wrong, but i just cannot control it.

maybe there is always a thought of divorce in me. i have been trying so hard to loose this thought, but it doesnt help at all. i know whatever happens, LOL will not leave his family. so why am i still having this feeling? cant i just let him go and focus on my marriage more? is it because there is too much unsatisfactories in my marriage that made me wanna think twice?

i only want an ordinary life. a home to return to with love. a husband that sleeps and wakes up early. a husband who leads a normal life. a father who would pay more attention to the kids, who would play with them, who would share their joy.

he is totally different. i feel like crying thinking of who i have chosen.