Let Go Yourself

Last weekend Mr. was not around. I went out with Carl & Gina. It has been such a long time since the 3 of us got together. I still remember times in Australia when we couldnt care less. We had happening weekends, sleepless nights and those were the days.

Anyway, we had a great dinner and then went to party. The crowd sucks but being with 2 best buddies makes everything better. We ordered a bottle of whiskey, then added 2 jugs of Long Island Tea. Still not enough to make us 3 drunk to the max. Anyway, we did enjoy. At the club, Carl asked how was I. I said I was ok, he told me he is really happy. For the past few years he has made a lot of money. I am happy for him.

3 of us had different lives.

Carl made a statement, saying that I hadnt let myself go enough. Now that my husband is not around, I still held back. I should be the one who is dead drunk and enjoyed to the fullest. Instead, I was the most sober one. Although, it's just a small statement, I dont know why for the past 3 days I have been thinking of this so much. I totally agree with him. Not only for that day, but for the past years that I have. I have been holding back even when I was alone in Australia.

I don't usually wear sleeveless or clothes that are too revealing. That day I wore a spagetti top. I felt really uneasy. Carl said I should be more daring. Why am I always having low self esteem, having no confidence in myself? Why? I really dont know. Even at this age, having 2 kids, I still find myself pretty, I think I am most beautiful now. Why? I still remember how LOL always encouraged me to have more confident. Well, he doesnt like me wearing too revealing, but he always thinks that I am pretty. Oh... just forget it. No point thinking of him, at all.

I really dont know why. I really wanna try to do something and not think of what others thought. I really need some time, where I do something and no need to care but what people say - even Mr.

Sexless

I don't know how to say. And I have not tell this to anyone at all as I know no one is going to believe me, or they may just think I am crazy. Only Mr. & I will know the truth.

The last time I had sex was when I was 8 months pregnant with my 2nd child. And she is 14 months now. Do the math and see how long ago was my last. Oh dear, sometimes I myself cannot believe it. Well, thank god I am a homely person, if not Mr. will definitely think that I am having an affair.

I do have the urge. I miss being cuddled, being kissed, being caressed. But thinking of the real thing, I just couldnt get myself to do it. One of the nights last month, he finally couldnt stand and started touching me in the middle of the sleep. I didnt reject, I played along. It's funny how my body rejected him. There were no libido. He couldnt even be in me. Why is this so? We ended up not doing it.

I laid there, thinking... is it him or is it me? Why is this happening? I havent done it for more than a year and how come my body is rejecting this. I really need a doctor. Should I go see a psychologist? Is there something in my head that is holding me back? What is it? I have put LOL down since the facebook message. What else? Please, just get him out of my head, my life, my heart, just get him out of ME!!! I dont want this to ruin my life another time.

I also thought, I should give it a try and really go into the mood to have great sex again. But once I come to think of it, I would rather masturbate and sleep through the night. Why is this so? Is he not giving me the orgasm I need? Am I asking too much? Or I just dont want him anymore?

So what is going to happen? How am I suppose to solve this? Divorce is the last thing I want. I really dont know what I'm suppose to do.