Why Are We Talking about the Past?

Last night before I slept, I spoke to Lynn. Told her about what happened. We were talking and talking bout how stupid I am and all, then she asked me something, something I did not planned of hearing.

"Why didnt you choose the other chinese guy?"

I didnt know how to answer her. All I said was he's too far. She told me Melaka wasnt far. Somemore he was more handsome and criteria is much better. Yes I know, I knew it long before. But why? I still dont know why. I missed him so much and I still do. We were talking and talking about him then. She even found him on FB. I told her he is married with 2 beautiful daughters. And I even told her about the FB message that he sent me "it's better that we dont speak". She said I must have hurt him really badly. Yes I know...

And in the middle of the conversation, she asked, "wtf, why are we talking about the past? maybe we should plan the future now." I replied, "u r right, i'm still living in the past, maybe that's where the problems lie."

Ya, why am I still thinking of the past? Why do I still care about the "what ifs"? what's the point? why do I still wanna think of what will happen if I marry LOL? These thoughts are making me crazy.

But actually this problem that I have with Mr. is it really related to this? I have put LOL away long ago, or did I?

I'm really very fed up with him. Why doesnt he appreciate me more? I have given up such a great man for him, why cant he treasure me more? Why is he always talking about divorce? Or wanting a single life? What happens later? What will happen if I get back with him? I'm gonna be stuck like this forever? Things will all go back to square one, a predicted. Even Lynn said, I can tolerate. Nothing will happen, I will still be where I am.

That's really sad.

Again

Another argument. I just dont know what he wants. He is always showing me his black face and for all the years I have given in. I really cannot stand anymore. And for all the years, he has been telling me how bad I am, how bad my temper is, how inconsiderate I am, blah blah blah. If I have not been so considerate and calm, I would have argued with him every single day. Cause he just drives me nuts.

He said I dont sleep with him. Can't he notice that what he does turns me off? He always say I am fat, I am not pretty. Always say I'm old, and nobody wants me at all. Go out also aunty already. Yes I accept the fact that I am an aunty, a mother of 2, but he doesnt have to say it straight to my face. Moreover, I think I am still attractive, in a way.

ME: the man told me, your husband is so lucky
HE: Oh, u didnt tell him, u are luckier?

ME: u see my face, quite slim hor
HE: yala, but ur body is dam fat.

Yesterday, he said to have 3 months break, and I agreed.

Am Sad

I dont like the fact that Jee is getting closer to Lynn. Why is it that she is starting a business with her without my knowledge. I know Lynn will not do anything behind my back, or hide anything. Why is Jee doing this? This is bad. I introduced Lynn to her and she is taking all my friends away. She is getting closer to all of my friends. Why is this so?

The other day I did something she did to me. I asked her via sms why did she start something with my friend without telling me. And I know she knows I dont like it. Well, we shall see how.

And the fact that she tells everyone how bad Klo is, is making me feel even worse. She is the one who is flirting around and making Klo do things that he did and now she is blaming him for all the consequences.

I dont know why I have such feelings but I just cant help it. Well, maybe I'm feeling insecure. I should trust Lynn... What beats a 14-year friendship?