Married 3

It's raining while I am writing this. It's always sadder when it comes to this kind of weather. Anyway, the topic on LOL being a father is still battling in my head now.

For the past few days I have been thinking of him a lot. I have been picturing him as a father. How he would rush home to see his baby. How he would play with his baby. How great a father he is. But actually how true are all these? Am I just imagining or is he really a great dad?

Sometimes I wonder... Does he still think of me? Does he still have a part of me in him? I remember he telling me that for his first girlfriend, he needed 3 years to get through it. He asked me to guess how long it takes for him to get through me. Well, it seems it's not that long after all.

Or, is he married just for the sake of marrying? Not that he loves his wife, but like me & Mr. Just married because of responsibilities, because he knows that I can never be with him again? Am I lying to myself again? Maybe he really loves this girl so much that he has forgotten me so fast.

The first thing when I told Gina about him having a 1 1/2 year-old kid, her response was "So fast?". Hmm, yes I thought so too. The baby would have been born in Year 2004 end, and the wife would have been pregnant in 2004. Wow, that's fast.

Also, I thought to myself. How long did they date? Was it a shot-gun marriage? Does he really love her? Who is this woman? How does she looks like? I needed to know everything... but from who? Why would I want to know all about him? Does it matter? What for?

I am mad. I have put these down why am I starting everything all over again? What is the point? It's so ridiculous. It's a waste of time. Anyhow, this guy will forever be a part in me.

Married 2

Well, it has been 4 1/2 hours since I got the news of LOL being married. And for the past 4 1/2 hours I have been thinking of him so much. I knew this would come, that was why I chose not to know. Somehow, I guess Chyee thinks that he doesn't mean anything to me anymore.

Don't get me wrong. I am not going to divorce or do anything crazy. This is just a feeling. A feeling that we human have and have no control of. We can hide in front of everyone, but deep in us - it'll be there forever.

So are you telling me that I can sit on the same table with him, have a nice talk over lunch? Don't be silly. I don't know about others, but for me - a big no way. There is no way I can see him and have nothing happened.

I remembered the last time I met him in KLCC with Gina, he gave me a good bye kiss and I cried the whole day.

I didn't realise the feeling towards him was still so strong until today when I got the news. I know that people would think that I am crazy to still have such a feeling. To still have thoughts of him at this point. As I have said, I will not do anything crazy, this is just a feeling I cannot stop. If I can cry, I would. But what for? I am a wife and a mother. He is a husband and a father. Is there a point?

No matter what, there is no way that can change his part in my life.

Married

Just now I met up with Chyee for lunch. It has been quite a while since we last had a nice chatting time alone. I have not been seeing her as often as before, due to laziness. Anyway, we ordered our food and started our chat.

5 minutes into our conversation, she told me that LOL is married. I took it alright. Not as bad as I expected. He even had a daughter of 1 year plus. I did not feel sad or anything, but I cannot stop myself from picturing me as the wife. I wonder who this girl is, I wonder how much he loves her, I wonder if he still thinks of me. I wonder...

I remembered telling Chyee once, that if she ever knew LOL is married, don't ever tell me. I don't want to know. Well, it's ok now. I cannot expect him to wait for me for the rest of his life. Life goes on. I am expecting my 2nd one, so what's wrong with him getting married?

He has a daughter. That is what he always wanted. He loves girl. Maybe he grew up in a family with 3 boys siblings. And I know he is going to name her the name his mum wanted - a name his mum wanted for her own daughter, but unfortunately all she had were boys.

I cannot stop imagining how great a father he would be. I cannot stop thinking how nice he would be to the mother of his child. I cannot stop thinking of him. Yes, I know that I shouldn't be doing this and that is why Chyee told me bout this. She thinks that I have gotten over with it. Well, I did get over it, but still he plays an important part in my life. He is someone I can never forget.

Being a mother of 2, I will not do anything to hurt my kids.