Should I send this link to him? Should he know how I feel? Does it matter? So what if he knows? Are we going to leave our family and kids behind? Are we going to create an affair? Will we stay where we are? Or he will just treat this as a piece of joke and show everyone how important he is to me and laugh about it?
Can he keep this to himself and continue to read to find out what I have been going thru?
I would want to know more about him. I googled him, but nothing came up. Does his wife have a blog? I don't care about the wife, I only want to know how is he. Does he really love the wife? Or just marry for the sake of marrying? Who is the wife? Does he still care? Does he thinks of me? Does he even remember me?
Sometimes, I really feel like sending him this link and maybe he would comment on it.
But as I have mentioned earlier, does it matter? Whether or not he still loves me, I will still be hurt at whatever answer he gives. YES - what can I do? I cannot just leave. NO - I will be so hurt, knowing all my missing & loving him is a waste of time.
So I guess, again I am leaving this blog to myself...
Thursday, September 27, 2007
What If?
What if? I still remember LOL telling me that it's a waste of time thinking of the IF. There is no use wondering what would happen...
But that didn't stop me from thinking what would happen to me now if I have chosen LOL. Will I live better or worse? Will LOL do the things Mr. has done? Will he appreciate everything I have done? I am sure he will. I know he is a family oriented person. I know he will love me & the kids as much. I know he will do what a father would do. Mr. doesn't know what a father is. All he thinks of is money. Yes I agree money is very important. But to him, the father's job is to give money, and that's it.
Hello... if I need money, I can get it anywhere. And I don't need the money now. Not to say I have a lot, but enough. So does that mean I don't need a father for my kids?
Every time I look at my kids, I remember LOL telling me how he played with his nieces. Now that he has his own daughter, I know he will love her so so much, as much as I love my kids. That is what I want in a man. That is what I want in a father of my kids. I don't want someone who tells me he loves the kids, and don't know how to show it or expect us to know. Action speaks louder than words. Doesn't the kids reaction show Mr. how bad a father he is? My kids doesn't like him at all. I have never in front of my kids say anything bad about Mr. Frankly speaking, kids know. They really do, they know who treats them good.
I really miss LOL. The feeling comes again. I have been thinking of him extra much these days. I wanted to write him an email, but I am too afraid that I would create chaos. The last thing I want is to hurt my kids. The only thing/person who will make me leave this marriage is LOL. But leaving Mr. will hurt my kids, somehow or rather.
I know LOL is a great dad cause every time we talk, he tells me his plans for the kids. At that time, I was worried about how he would treat me cause he talked so much about the kids and not about us. But I was too naive, of course he will love me as much. I miss him really much, I think of him so much.
How can I forget LOL? How can I stop comparing Mr. to LOL? How can I stop thinking LOL is a great dad?
But that didn't stop me from thinking what would happen to me now if I have chosen LOL. Will I live better or worse? Will LOL do the things Mr. has done? Will he appreciate everything I have done? I am sure he will. I know he is a family oriented person. I know he will love me & the kids as much. I know he will do what a father would do. Mr. doesn't know what a father is. All he thinks of is money. Yes I agree money is very important. But to him, the father's job is to give money, and that's it.
Hello... if I need money, I can get it anywhere. And I don't need the money now. Not to say I have a lot, but enough. So does that mean I don't need a father for my kids?
Every time I look at my kids, I remember LOL telling me how he played with his nieces. Now that he has his own daughter, I know he will love her so so much, as much as I love my kids. That is what I want in a man. That is what I want in a father of my kids. I don't want someone who tells me he loves the kids, and don't know how to show it or expect us to know. Action speaks louder than words. Doesn't the kids reaction show Mr. how bad a father he is? My kids doesn't like him at all. I have never in front of my kids say anything bad about Mr. Frankly speaking, kids know. They really do, they know who treats them good.
I really miss LOL. The feeling comes again. I have been thinking of him extra much these days. I wanted to write him an email, but I am too afraid that I would create chaos. The last thing I want is to hurt my kids. The only thing/person who will make me leave this marriage is LOL. But leaving Mr. will hurt my kids, somehow or rather.
I know LOL is a great dad cause every time we talk, he tells me his plans for the kids. At that time, I was worried about how he would treat me cause he talked so much about the kids and not about us. But I was too naive, of course he will love me as much. I miss him really much, I think of him so much.
How can I forget LOL? How can I stop comparing Mr. to LOL? How can I stop thinking LOL is a great dad?
I'm Fed Up
I am trying so much to stay in this marriage and I am doing fine cause every time I look at my kids, everything bad will be forgotten. I just don't know how long more I can stand. I am really fed up.
I don't like him going out or sleeping so late at nights, I hate him waking up late and doing nothing. I know he has money, but how long can these last? Can he survive with that little money?
I hate him not appreciating what I have done for the kids. I have been waking up every night to feed my kid. And I have to wake up early to go work. Instead of helping me, he goes out. In his mind, it's always going out at night. Can't he spend his late nights helping me with the kids and let me rest? At least 2 days a week.
Why is he always thinking of going out? Is this what a married man should do? Is this what a family is called? I am a simple woman. I want a normal married family life. Is that too much to ask? I only want my husband to wake up early to work, to come home for dinner, to spend time in the house with me & the kids. If he can't help me with my kids, at least appreciate what I have done. He is more concern with the maid not having enough sleep than me having to work 24 hours a day!!
I don't like him going out or sleeping so late at nights, I hate him waking up late and doing nothing. I know he has money, but how long can these last? Can he survive with that little money?
I hate him not appreciating what I have done for the kids. I have been waking up every night to feed my kid. And I have to wake up early to go work. Instead of helping me, he goes out. In his mind, it's always going out at night. Can't he spend his late nights helping me with the kids and let me rest? At least 2 days a week.
Why is he always thinking of going out? Is this what a married man should do? Is this what a family is called? I am a simple woman. I want a normal married family life. Is that too much to ask? I only want my husband to wake up early to work, to come home for dinner, to spend time in the house with me & the kids. If he can't help me with my kids, at least appreciate what I have done. He is more concern with the maid not having enough sleep than me having to work 24 hours a day!!
The other day I looked back at the surveillance camera, I looked like a superwoman, attending to 2 kids and fixing a shelf I just bought. I don't mind doing all these and more, but why am I not being appreciated for the things that I have done? Have I done anything less? Have I not done anything? Are these not enough?
I think he has a mind set thinking I will not leave him. Why not? Why do I need to stay with him when I don't need him at all? It seemed I can leave by myself, I can do everything by myself. I think he cannot live without me. He depends on me for everything. He needs me to do this, do that, do everything. Until one day I cannot control the fire in me, I will burst out and that will be too late.
Should I actually sit down and talk to him? I really don't want my kids to grow up in a single parenthood. And I know I will not re-marry for the sake of my kids. I just love them too much.
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