What If?

What if? I still remember LOL telling me that it's a waste of time thinking of the IF. There is no use wondering what would happen...

But that didn't stop me from thinking what would happen to me now if I have chosen LOL. Will I live better or worse? Will LOL do the things Mr. has done? Will he appreciate everything I have done? I am sure he will. I know he is a family oriented person. I know he will love me & the kids as much. I know he will do what a father would do. Mr. doesn't know what a father is. All he thinks of is money. Yes I agree money is very important. But to him, the father's job is to give money, and that's it.

Hello... if I need money, I can get it anywhere. And I don't need the money now. Not to say I have a lot, but enough. So does that mean I don't need a father for my kids?

Every time I look at my kids, I remember LOL telling me how he played with his nieces. Now that he has his own daughter, I know he will love her so so much, as much as I love my kids. That is what I want in a man. That is what I want in a father of my kids. I don't want someone who tells me he loves the kids, and don't know how to show it or expect us to know. Action speaks louder than words. Doesn't the kids reaction show Mr. how bad a father he is? My kids doesn't like him at all. I have never in front of my kids say anything bad about Mr. Frankly speaking, kids know. They really do, they know who treats them good.

I really miss LOL. The feeling comes again. I have been thinking of him extra much these days. I wanted to write him an email, but I am too afraid that I would create chaos. The last thing I want is to hurt my kids. The only thing/person who will make me leave this marriage is LOL. But leaving Mr. will hurt my kids, somehow or rather.

I know LOL is a great dad cause every time we talk, he tells me his plans for the kids. At that time, I was worried about how he would treat me cause he talked so much about the kids and not about us. But I was too naive, of course he will love me as much. I miss him really much, I think of him so much.

How can I forget LOL? How can I stop comparing Mr. to LOL? How can I stop thinking LOL is a great dad?