The Magic

I always say, one word to explain my relationship with LOL - MAGICAL. Why? It is funny how one person know so much about you when you hadn't spend much time with him. He knows what I want, what I liked, well, sort of.

For instance, years ago..... he called me saying that he went shopping and saw something that I like. How can he be so sure when I have only known him for 2 months? I kept on asking what, and he kept on saying it's a surprised. When he gave it to me, I was on 7th heaven. It sure was something I liked. It was 2 pieces of thai silk cloth. Wow, I quickly called Chyee, as I thought she might have told him, but she assured me NO.

Another one, we went to Coffee Bean after one year of not meeting. He asked what I want. I said anything, as I was a little nervous. Meeting him after one year was like those puppy love we had in school days. Anyway, he went in to order and brought out a cup of fragrant chamomile. Yes indeed it was my favourite tea. Why?? Is this coincident or really magic? Why would he buy me a cup of hot tea on a hot sunny afternoon instead of a cold ice blended mocha?

Somemore instances. After having worked for 3 years, I thought I might as well buy something a little expensive as a gift for myself. To be frank, I have not spent so much on something or matter of fact, anything before. Anyway, I went through a lot of watches. They were second hand rolex. I laid my eyes on one. It was nice but the price was a little high. After much consideration, I told them I needed more time to think. Before I left they showed me the certificate for the watch. I opened it to find the date of issued - 17 november (LOL's birthday). Without much hesitation, I bought the watch.

I still remembered there was once, I went to pick him up from Phileo Promenade after his CA lecture (he is a part time lecturer - cause he is too smart, am I exeggerating? no, he really is smart). Anyway, after lunch I sent him back to collect his car. Before he got down, I asked whether I can hug him. He grabbed me and gave me a hug and the radio started to play "Eternity - Robbie Williams" that very second. Is this another coincident?

More and more and more things happened. Why is this so? Are these tell tale signs? Am I seeing too much? Should I be thinking so much of all these? What does all these things mean? Being with LOL, has really made me felt important. Being appreciated at least. Once in a while, he would see something and buy them for me. It's not so much of the price or gift... it's the thought that counts. Whether it is an expensive diamond or a cheap stone. They are all priceless when it comes from the heart.

I told Gina why I loved LOL so much. In my whole life, I have not fall in love with someone at first sight. All my relationships before was the guy who made the first moves. I don't love them, it's just the time and persuants that made me be with them. Well, LOL did made the first move, but the feeling was diffenrent. After meeting him for 2 weeks only did he call. I was waiting and longing for his call. I never had that before. That was why I grew to love him more.

Oh god, catching back all these memories really made me high and low...

Battle Between Past & Future

I am a very sensitive person. I tend to keep a lot of things - old notes. I have a bag filled with notes. Not only LOL's notes, but some of my own words or thoughts. We did lots of sms and I jotted down every single word on paper. Once in a while I will take them out and read them and would cry to myself. Why am I doing this?

Anyway, as I was going through the notes, I came across a phrase,
"Will there be a future if the past is present?"

This is so true. If we don't leave the past behind us, will we ever be happy? Is there anything in the future which we can look forward to? Why do some people choose to live in the past? Isn't the future more important? Or has the past put a stop to our future? I think this is some kind of battle between the past and the future.

Is there a way where we can get the best of both worlds? The best way to live a life without regret is to live from old to young. Just imagine we live from 80 then 79 then 78 then ........ We knew so much at age of 80, so as we move younger, we know what we want. There will be no regrets.

Girly Chat

It has been a great 2-week. I have shared so much with Gina. We talked and cried and shared so much.
Do we only have ONE love of ours lives? Can there be another? To me he is LOL, to her he is Navi. Why is it that we are like that? The more we talked the sadder we got.

These are bits and pieces of our conversation.

Me: I think my life is always as expected... birth, school, dating, married, have kids, teach & learn, die..
There's is just one route, nothing out of the expectation.
Me: I love him, I dont know why, I think we can never let this men off our head.
Me: They are humans too, we definately is someone important in their life.
Me: They can never forget us.

She: I don't know why you let him go last time.
She: We live in regret. How can we not treasure them before?
She: Love of our life is like the socket point, you can only have one connection.

We talked a lot but I have forgotten most of them. At that time, we were so down, we cried. Why did we get ourselves into such a life? Are ladies like us worth a life like this? We are happy overall, except we can't find love. Is there life without love? How can one be happy when love is not present.

Some say you will not get drunk if you are sad. Is that true? We went out for a drink the other day. Drank quite a lot, returned home sober. Does that mean we are sad? Do we need alcohol to tell us we are sad?

One Way Street

I met up with gina yesterday. We had a long buddy-talk. We shared a bit of everything, her new boyfriend to my old relationship. At that moment both of us from liking to be loved thought loving is better. Well, are we never contended? I know it's always great being loved, but by a man you don't love - does it mean still great?

She said she has changed for this new guy. She has never been so patient with a guy. Is this really love? Does the sacrifice & change tell? Well, I guess in life there is nothing as having the best of both worlds. When you are this, you want that. When you are that, you longed for this. Why are we human always searching for trouble? Never ending problems. We can live a better and simple life, but what is in us that made us want more?

I told gina what life I'm in now. Mr. is definately not the man I want for myself as well as for my baby. She having known me for the past 10 years, knows that I'm pampered, I loved attentions. I want a simple life, a simple family. I want a husband who has a proper job and comes home for dinner everyday. A father who share my baby-task with me. Someone who understands, someone who cares..... Someone who loves & understands baby, like me.

That's why LOL's always in my mind. I still remember he telling me how he spent his evening playing football with kids in the field opposite his house. I still remember how he asked his niece to hug him till he can't breathe. I don't know whether LOL is a good husband, but I'm sure he is a great dad.

Why am I where I am now? Is this fate? Is this meant to be? Is this the route that I will walk for the rest of my life? Is there a way leading me back? Will there be any u-turn or no entry signs ahead? Or merely a one way street till the end?