I Cried...

I have not been talking to Mr for the past 4 days. I know I am wrong but I dont know why something is holding me back. Instead of feeling bad or guilty, I was angry. I was thinking of all the bad things of him. And the worse thing is I'm ok with it.

I didnt mind staying in the house and not talk at all. Do you think I will give in like every other time? Everytime when I am angry, it wont be long. He just say a few words and that's it. I will talk to him again, even if I am still angry. Why is it that everytime when he is angry it has to be so long and I need to like beg him or let him scold a round only its ok.

I am kind of fed up with this. I hate it and I thought, if there is another time that I am angry I will NOT give in so easily. Anyway, I have my kids with me, that's more than enough.

Another thing is that I have bought stocks. Not as much as I have ever before. And today the market went down 60+ points. I am damn shit. I am so sad.

Yes OR No

"Hi, Just want you to know that you're thought of on your special day even if I never call, sms, email or msn. Well, I figured all this technology is too convenient and unsincere in many ways. Old fashioned as I am but I guess it says it all. My wishes for you "health & happiness" Oh yeah "Happy Birthday". Your presence in the world does make a whole lot happier."

Yesterday I met up with Klo. He handed me some birthday gifts, a birthday card and some souviners he bought while he was away. And the above was what he wrote in the card. I know that he has always love me, eventhough he is married now.

Sometimes in life it's really funny. I have Klo who loves me unconditionally, while I feel the same towards LOL. Why is it always like that? I have no feelings for Klo. I just dont want to loose such a great friend.

So do you think that LOL will think the same? Maybe he really has no feelings for me anymore but doesnt want to loose a friend like me. Oh dear, this is so weird. Maybe all these years of missing and loving him is a waste of time. It's no use clapping with one hand. What an idiot have I become?

Does it actually matters now whether or not he still loves me? Whether it's a YES or NO, I will hurt as much... So I have chose to not know the answer.

I Need It

Sometimes I really wish I can go out find someone to have sex with and forget about everything. Meaning having a one night stand. But I am too afraid to do that and I have never tried it before. I really want to have sex and I really mean it. I know this is crazy to have a man beside me every night and thinking of something else.

I dont know why, since I met LOL until today, it's so difficult for me to get myself to have sex with him. Lynn told to just do it, and think of it as a neccesity. Well, if I want to have sex, why can't I just have it with someone I know? Why am I pulling back?

I have to quietly masturbate. That is just so sad. I wish I can just drive up to Melaka and knock on LOL's door and make great love to him...

Why We Can't Meet?

I have changed my phone number. I did not call him since a long long time. We have not contacted in any way. I know I am bad and he will definitely not like it. There is a reason behind this. I have never done this before. I have never hide myself from anyone in my whole life. But LOL is different. This is very different from any other people.


I have got 2 beautiful kids. The last thing I want to do is hurt them. I will not be like some of my friends I know that when I meet him, things will start all over again. The feeling hurts so much. I miss him so much even until today. It’s getting better now. I still think of him everyday. I still fantasize him once in a while. I sometimes wish that my 2 kids were his.

I would love to see him. As I have mentioned earlier, there is no way I’m going to sit in front of him and not be able to touch him. I miss being in his arms, I miss his kisses, I miss him.

Every time I drive home alone from work I will start thinking. Start imagining things that ought to happen. I have been searching through Google for his name. Well, who knows that he might have a blog, or maybe the wife has one. Then I can get to know more about him.

He is the only person on earth that can make me leave my family. And that is the biggest reason why I can’t see him. I know he will not do anything to hurt my family, but it’s the feeling, the feeling inside me that cannot be controlled.

Just imagine, that small thing like he having a baby girl can affect me this big. What can meeting him do to me? I wonder if one day he comes up to me and ask me to be with him again, what will I do? Am I that strong to hold on? Will I give up everything to be with him again? If you ask me now, I can say I will not accept him. But who can tell the future? I can’t guarantee I can stand not having him back.

On the other hand, I love my kids too much to hurt them. I don’t want them to hate their mother for doing something like this. I need to be responsible for them.

They say women after reaching 30, their sex drive increases. Well, I would say mine has never reduced. Its just that I have not done much of it. I really cannot get myself to have sex with Mr anymore, although I am desperate for one.

You must be thinking that it’s funny how I can not have sex and still get pregnant. Come on, be realistic. I did sleep with him, when I wanted a baby. And I was really lucky to get pregnant after that one or two times – for both kids.

Sometimes I thought – I should send him this link, but then again, what for? He might not even remember me. He might not even care reading all these. He might just laugh and think that I am crazy to still miss him...