Why We Can't Meet?

I have changed my phone number. I did not call him since a long long time. We have not contacted in any way. I know I am bad and he will definitely not like it. There is a reason behind this. I have never done this before. I have never hide myself from anyone in my whole life. But LOL is different. This is very different from any other people.


I have got 2 beautiful kids. The last thing I want to do is hurt them. I will not be like some of my friends I know that when I meet him, things will start all over again. The feeling hurts so much. I miss him so much even until today. It’s getting better now. I still think of him everyday. I still fantasize him once in a while. I sometimes wish that my 2 kids were his.

I would love to see him. As I have mentioned earlier, there is no way I’m going to sit in front of him and not be able to touch him. I miss being in his arms, I miss his kisses, I miss him.

Every time I drive home alone from work I will start thinking. Start imagining things that ought to happen. I have been searching through Google for his name. Well, who knows that he might have a blog, or maybe the wife has one. Then I can get to know more about him.

He is the only person on earth that can make me leave my family. And that is the biggest reason why I can’t see him. I know he will not do anything to hurt my family, but it’s the feeling, the feeling inside me that cannot be controlled.

Just imagine, that small thing like he having a baby girl can affect me this big. What can meeting him do to me? I wonder if one day he comes up to me and ask me to be with him again, what will I do? Am I that strong to hold on? Will I give up everything to be with him again? If you ask me now, I can say I will not accept him. But who can tell the future? I can’t guarantee I can stand not having him back.

On the other hand, I love my kids too much to hurt them. I don’t want them to hate their mother for doing something like this. I need to be responsible for them.

They say women after reaching 30, their sex drive increases. Well, I would say mine has never reduced. Its just that I have not done much of it. I really cannot get myself to have sex with Mr anymore, although I am desperate for one.

You must be thinking that it’s funny how I can not have sex and still get pregnant. Come on, be realistic. I did sleep with him, when I wanted a baby. And I was really lucky to get pregnant after that one or two times – for both kids.

Sometimes I thought – I should send him this link, but then again, what for? He might not even remember me. He might not even care reading all these. He might just laugh and think that I am crazy to still miss him...