I'm not having an affair. I'm not seeing anyone, not sleeping with anyone. Not having any intimate relationship, not involve with any other people either than Mr.
The other day I read an article... it said, cheating is not about sleeping with someone or not, even erasing a message from your phone is part of it. Well, I did. I would erase all messages from Carl. I don't love him. There is nothing between us, but why? Why am I deleting all those messages. Not like it was intimate, they are just casual messages, normal stuff we talk about.
He looked extremely good. No doubt, I have once or twice fantasize, but nothing more. I don't want to be with him, I don't want to hurt him anymore. I think he still loves me a lot, which I am flattered and uncomfortable at the same time. Knowing that he loves me so much, makes me can't be normal friends with him. It would just make things worse. I have told him a lot of times that there won't be anything in between us and I only treat him as a friend...
Anyway that day after 1 too many bottles of alcohol... he told Suli & Ay so much. Too much.
Wish him well...
Thursday, April 28, 2016
Friday, February 19, 2016
Supress
That day Carl asked me again, why is it that I'm always so proper? When will I ever let go and do what I want? I told them I am happy with what I have now, why should I change it?
That night, both of us finished 4 bottles of red, while Suli and Ay had 10 pints of Guinness. Still I was proper, I did what I should and didn't do what I shouldn't.
Why am I always like that? When I was younger, even until now.
Suli then agreed with Carl, she said that I'm suppressing myself. Really?
Then I came to think of it. Why? Why am I always like that? At this age, I should be doing whatever I like. When I don't like it, just voice it out. What is the problem with having a glass of wine over dinner? What is the problem with meeting up with a guy friend? What is the problem?
The problem is him, it's Mr. Why is he always against what I do?
He has never encourage me to do what I want or what I like. Never. And why am I still under his control? I am old enough. I need to be appreciated. I need people to appreciate what I do. I need cuddles, I need love.
That night, both of us finished 4 bottles of red, while Suli and Ay had 10 pints of Guinness. Still I was proper, I did what I should and didn't do what I shouldn't.
Why am I always like that? When I was younger, even until now.
Suli then agreed with Carl, she said that I'm suppressing myself. Really?
Then I came to think of it. Why? Why am I always like that? At this age, I should be doing whatever I like. When I don't like it, just voice it out. What is the problem with having a glass of wine over dinner? What is the problem with meeting up with a guy friend? What is the problem?
The problem is him, it's Mr. Why is he always against what I do?
He has never encourage me to do what I want or what I like. Never. And why am I still under his control? I am old enough. I need to be appreciated. I need people to appreciate what I do. I need cuddles, I need love.
Monday, September 07, 2015
Saw Him
Last Saturday I went for lunch. We drop the kids and others while we went to park our car. We then walked to the restaurant. As I walked in, there was this woman and two children walking towards the door where I came in. I looked at her and felt she looked familiar. Without hesitation, I turned my head to find him. There he was sitting right in front of my eyes. He didnt see me, he was paying the bill. I went straight to the toilet. I didnt know what to do.
In the toilet, I was glad that he was paying, cause the table where we were seated was just next to him. In there, I thought to myself, what if he comes back? What if he left something and had to return to the restaurant. So many things were in my head.
After about 5 minutes, I went out. I looked at his table, to make sure he did not leave anything behind. I went to my seat. It was ok overall. I didnt feel anything. Not like before. And from this, I am glad that I have gotten over him thoroughly.
After lunch, when I was alone, I messaged Gina. I told her, I bumped into him. And she knew straight away who he was. I told her I was glad I was over with him. She said "Hide in the toilet means no feel?"
Wow, those words... but then, I know I am over him. It's just that I dont want to see him face to face. I dont know what to do or what to say. Just dont let me see him. Please.
In the toilet, I was glad that he was paying, cause the table where we were seated was just next to him. In there, I thought to myself, what if he comes back? What if he left something and had to return to the restaurant. So many things were in my head.
After about 5 minutes, I went out. I looked at his table, to make sure he did not leave anything behind. I went to my seat. It was ok overall. I didnt feel anything. Not like before. And from this, I am glad that I have gotten over him thoroughly.
After lunch, when I was alone, I messaged Gina. I told her, I bumped into him. And she knew straight away who he was. I told her I was glad I was over with him. She said "Hide in the toilet means no feel?"
Wow, those words... but then, I know I am over him. It's just that I dont want to see him face to face. I dont know what to do or what to say. Just dont let me see him. Please.
Friday, March 21, 2014
I want him well...
Few days ago, I had a dream. A very disturbing dream. I dreamt of Ed. His sister called me out of sudden and told me that Ed is really sick in the hospital and asked me to go visit him. He really wants to see me. I went to the hospital and saw him lying there. He held my hand and told me that he really loves me a lot, and before he dies, he needed to see me to tell me this.
Again, it felt so real. And I did wake up in the middle of the dream, thinking, I was so scared. I have the urged to pick up my phone and ask if he was ok. Because I remembered the last time I dreamt of him getting married... A few days later, someone told me he got married.
I was afraid this might come true. I want to see him, but not in his sick bed. I don't want anything to happen to him. The whole night I had the same dream...
Sometimes I wonder why I think so much of him. Nothing has happened, I did not sleep with him. Well, we did kissed, and that's it. Why is he playing such an important part in me?
Others doesnt matter as much...
And I felt so hurt that he didnt invite me to his wedding. I always tell myself, maybe he just didnt want me to know, cause he still loves me. The things I lie to myself about. Hahahaha, well, it's not wrong to have some imaginations.
Anyway, I just hope he is well...
Again, it felt so real. And I did wake up in the middle of the dream, thinking, I was so scared. I have the urged to pick up my phone and ask if he was ok. Because I remembered the last time I dreamt of him getting married... A few days later, someone told me he got married.
I was afraid this might come true. I want to see him, but not in his sick bed. I don't want anything to happen to him. The whole night I had the same dream...
Sometimes I wonder why I think so much of him. Nothing has happened, I did not sleep with him. Well, we did kissed, and that's it. Why is he playing such an important part in me?
Others doesnt matter as much...
And I felt so hurt that he didnt invite me to his wedding. I always tell myself, maybe he just didnt want me to know, cause he still loves me. The things I lie to myself about. Hahahaha, well, it's not wrong to have some imaginations.
Anyway, I just hope he is well...
Friday, February 28, 2014
Out of 5
I read an article on "5 signs he is falling in love with you"
Hmmm, out of the 5, I think Zdor has 4.
1) Once in a while he would text me. He would send me pictures of himself. He would tell me what he was doing, ie drinking, eating...
2) Well, he doesn't call me much, but he does.
3) This one, I dont know.
4) He did asked me whether the things he bought was nice, and he asked me to choose one of the shoe choices.
5) He does tell me his problems. But mostly about his girlfriend.
Here it is...
Men aren't always the best at expressing our emotions. It's not that we can'ttalk about our feelings—we just don't even stop to think about them very often. Emotion, especially the lovey-dovey stuff, is kind of like elevator music to us. It plays softly in the back of our heads, but most of the time, we're barely listening.
Hmmm, out of the 5, I think Zdor has 4.
1) Once in a while he would text me. He would send me pictures of himself. He would tell me what he was doing, ie drinking, eating...
2) Well, he doesn't call me much, but he does.
3) This one, I dont know.
4) He did asked me whether the things he bought was nice, and he asked me to choose one of the shoe choices.
5) He does tell me his problems. But mostly about his girlfriend.
Here it is...
Men aren't always the best at expressing our emotions. It's not that we can'ttalk about our feelings—we just don't even stop to think about them very often. Emotion, especially the lovey-dovey stuff, is kind of like elevator music to us. It plays softly in the back of our heads, but most of the time, we're barely listening.
That's why I sympathize with any woman trying to figure out how a guy really feels. Most of the time, the guy probably doesn't even know. Sure, he was just in the emotional elevator this morning, but he was too busy checking his phone for Twitter updates to notice what was coming out of the speakers.
But ladies, there is hope. Because even if your guy doesn't immediately tell you how much he adores you, he's probably giving off signs that he's falling for you. Here's what to look out for:
He Sends Stupid Text Messages
The more banal the message, the more love-drunk he is. For instance, if he texts to tell you he's drinking a margarita or that he just saw a cat that looks like yours, he's been struck by Cupid's bow. What he's really saying is, "I remember you said you like margaritas," and "I don't even mind that your cat hates men." He's also saying, "Right now I wish you, and your evil cat, and I were all drinking margaritas together."
The more banal the message, the more love-drunk he is. For instance, if he texts to tell you he's drinking a margarita or that he just saw a cat that looks like yours, he's been struck by Cupid's bow. What he's really saying is, "I remember you said you like margaritas," and "I don't even mind that your cat hates men." He's also saying, "Right now I wish you, and your evil cat, and I were all drinking margaritas together."
He Calls You—Ever
There are three reasons men pick up the phone: (a) for work, (b) for emergencies, or (c) to hear someone's voice. And if you're not a co-worker or a 911 operator, then it's your voice that he's interested in. That's a true sign of lurve.
There are three reasons men pick up the phone: (a) for work, (b) for emergencies, or (c) to hear someone's voice. And if you're not a co-worker or a 911 operator, then it's your voice that he's interested in. That's a true sign of lurve.
He Stops Getting Quite so Many Texts From Others
Girls only text guys that text them back, right? So if she stops texting, it means he did, too. Or it means he put his foot down. I once had a girl who kept texting me silly stuff late at night after I'd already started developing feelings for another girl. So I told Ms. Texty to stop. Hey—that's not an easy thing to do! You have to be pretty sure you want out of the dating pool before you drain it entirely.
Girls only text guys that text them back, right? So if she stops texting, it means he did, too. Or it means he put his foot down. I once had a girl who kept texting me silly stuff late at night after I'd already started developing feelings for another girl. So I told Ms. Texty to stop. Hey—that's not an easy thing to do! You have to be pretty sure you want out of the dating pool before you drain it entirely.
He Asks for Style Advice
"What should I write in my brother's birthday card?" "Do these shoes look OK with these pants?" "What color sweater should I buy for my dog?" These are all questions guys only ask if they are drunk on love hormones.
"What should I write in my brother's birthday card?" "Do these shoes look OK with these pants?" "What color sweater should I buy for my dog?" These are all questions guys only ask if they are drunk on love hormones.
You Hear His Buddies Giving Him a Hard Time
Nobody knows your guy better than his friends. So listen up: If they say something about how he's been a turd of a wingman lately, or if they ask him whether he's misplaced his testicles, they're not just being vulgar. They're actually making astute observations about subtle behavioral changes that you may not have picked up on. So thank those knuckleheads because now you know your guy's putty in your hands.
Nobody knows your guy better than his friends. So listen up: If they say something about how he's been a turd of a wingman lately, or if they ask him whether he's misplaced his testicles, they're not just being vulgar. They're actually making astute observations about subtle behavioral changes that you may not have picked up on. So thank those knuckleheads because now you know your guy's putty in your hands.
Coincident
It's happening again.
There are so many coincidents between me n Zdor. I think I have mentioned before...
And the most recent one was just now. It started yesterday, as I was writing the blog on the world of my own (on him), suddenly he whatsapp me. It was so out of the blue. We were talking for the past 1 or 2 weeks and suddenly when I was thinking bout him, he whatsapp me. Funny.
This morning I skyped him, asking him some stuff. The last message to him was at 1253pm. He didnt reply me. So I didnt message him anymore. Just now I continued the blog post. My skype starting blinking on me. I opened it, it was him. What are the odds? Same time?
What can I say...
There are so many coincidents between me n Zdor. I think I have mentioned before...
And the most recent one was just now. It started yesterday, as I was writing the blog on the world of my own (on him), suddenly he whatsapp me. It was so out of the blue. We were talking for the past 1 or 2 weeks and suddenly when I was thinking bout him, he whatsapp me. Funny.
This morning I skyped him, asking him some stuff. The last message to him was at 1253pm. He didnt reply me. So I didnt message him anymore. Just now I continued the blog post. My skype starting blinking on me. I opened it, it was him. What are the odds? Same time?
What can I say...
Friday, February 21, 2014
Reminiscence
The other day, I was thinking about Ed, and I remember having diaries before, so I went to look for them. And I found 2 (year 1992 and 1993), that's really a long time.
I spent an hour or more reading both. It was funny what I wrote and how I thought before. It's really nice to have written all these. So much memories... In there, I was writing about Yen and Y, both guys I liked that time. Some on Ed.
And then I thought, Ed really has taken part of my heart. Even Jim, Carl or any other guys have not had so much place in my heart. The people who made so much out of my heart, are Ed and LOL. Well, Mr, I don't know as I know he is always there for me.
I always thought I can't let my kids go out and all. But after reading those, I found out I have been going out at 15. Oh dear.
I spent an hour or more reading both. It was funny what I wrote and how I thought before. It's really nice to have written all these. So much memories... In there, I was writing about Yen and Y, both guys I liked that time. Some on Ed.
And then I thought, Ed really has taken part of my heart. Even Jim, Carl or any other guys have not had so much place in my heart. The people who made so much out of my heart, are Ed and LOL. Well, Mr, I don't know as I know he is always there for me.
I always thought I can't let my kids go out and all. But after reading those, I found out I have been going out at 15. Oh dear.
The Time
It's that time again, when you listen not to the music, but every word in the lyrics. A feeling when you want to be alone, be away from everyone. Just the song, the wine and you ... all alone. But there is no such thing anymore. No one will leave you alone. Or should I say, I can't leave them alone. My 2 precious, My Life...
I have the urge to drive out to get a pack of cigg. I don't smoke... just felt like taking a puff.
I have not been thinking of LOL anymore. No fantasies, no imaginations... I would still check his FB, his wife's and his bro's too... Nothing much. Just an updated profile picture on his wife's FB. His elder is really pretty. He is getting fatter, and that only means my pillow is growing... A pillow that I will never hold, that I can never lie on anymore. Oh what the hell.... I said I will not think, will not fantasize anymore.
Ok skip it.
I would want to go out for a drink. A real time with my friends... but Gina decided to ditch me, and stay home instead. I don't blame her. It's just that I need that "time".
I have the urge to drive out to get a pack of cigg. I don't smoke... just felt like taking a puff.
I have not been thinking of LOL anymore. No fantasies, no imaginations... I would still check his FB, his wife's and his bro's too... Nothing much. Just an updated profile picture on his wife's FB. His elder is really pretty. He is getting fatter, and that only means my pillow is growing... A pillow that I will never hold, that I can never lie on anymore. Oh what the hell.... I said I will not think, will not fantasize anymore.
Ok skip it.
I would want to go out for a drink. A real time with my friends... but Gina decided to ditch me, and stay home instead. I don't blame her. It's just that I need that "time".
Friends
As we get older we tend to have less friends. Why, why is it that people can't just have a genuine heart towards you anymore? Does it has to be for some kind of benefit in everything? I don't care whether one is rich or poor, pretty or not, I still be friends with them.
Friends are friends. No money issues, no politic issues...
Until now, I still don't understand why Lynn can't just leave Jee... Just because she is rich?
Anyway, thank god I still have Gina. My longest friend who loves me as much as I love her. Who care less bout monetary, and what so ever.
Friends are friends. No money issues, no politic issues...
Until now, I still don't understand why Lynn can't just leave Jee... Just because she is rich?
Anyway, thank god I still have Gina. My longest friend who loves me as much as I love her. Who care less bout monetary, and what so ever.
Friday, September 27, 2013
HE again
The other night I dreamt of him. We were suppose to go into a room where a lot of people were there. He pulled me back and said, "wait, let's take picture first." He held his phone up and took some pictures of him & I really close together. Then I woke up.
We do skype these days, but not as much as before. I always have this feeling that he doesnt talk to me as much as before is because he has some "feelings" for me. I know I am crazy. But no harm thinking right? Once in a while, you need to feel needed.
Anyway, that day I told him I was kind of relieve that Mr is going away for a week. Then I can do what I want, have a little me-time. I said I will wake him up for breakfast. He said he will not, and dont know how people can wake up so early, dont understand.
I told him, do something different. I will wake him up for breakfast, then we go lunch, then go horrow movie (he is very afraid of watching horror... like me) and then massage and drink.
He said "Can hold hand?" Yup, he is humourous at times.
We do skype these days, but not as much as before. I always have this feeling that he doesnt talk to me as much as before is because he has some "feelings" for me. I know I am crazy. But no harm thinking right? Once in a while, you need to feel needed.
Anyway, that day I told him I was kind of relieve that Mr is going away for a week. Then I can do what I want, have a little me-time. I said I will wake him up for breakfast. He said he will not, and dont know how people can wake up so early, dont understand.
I told him, do something different. I will wake him up for breakfast, then we go lunch, then go horrow movie (he is very afraid of watching horror... like me) and then massage and drink.
He said "Can hold hand?" Yup, he is humourous at times.
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