How many people?

It is sad that people actually remember your birthday through facebook. Because of the FB, I have like 50 wishes. Normally I dont, I just have that few closer ones who will sms me, wishing me a happy birthday.

So this year, I hide my birthdate from FB. I just want to know how many people actually remembers...

News just come by

I dont know why news just come flying to me on their own.

Jee
The other day, she showed me a mms from her phone, and I accidentally pressed a button and something I should not. It was an sms from someone I know, who calls her dear... Well I have only met him 3 times, and how have they gotten so closed? He is Lynn's friend, and I told her. She said he never called her dear. Funny, and it was something like, he couldnt meet her that night for dinner. Well...

Jee is a great girl, great friend. The only problem with her is, she wants to be everyone's best friend. She wants everyone to like her. So she will say all sorts of things to make someone hate another. That's very funny. But so far, I have not heard anything bad about me.

Shanti
Once bitten, twice shy. What is three times? She caught her husband red handed with the same woman. The same old f**king bitch. Dont understand why would he wanna be with someone older than the wife 10 years.

Gina
She has told me about her new beau. Not much, I only know that there is a he in her life. Until recently, she brought him out and we finally met. He is a great guy, I think. Out spoken, tall, smart. When she told me that he doesnt take pictures, I suspected, but didnt ask.

Then she told me he is married. And he is going through divorce... Again, do men always say things like that to get women? And do women really believe them? Well, maybe when you are in the situation, everything is different. Drown by love.

Sometimes I wonder, whether I am too clear... think too much, too smart? That got me into the situation I am now. Why do I have to care so much for others? Why do I even need to think about how others think? If I werent thinking that much, I would have been living in the historical city of Malaysia, in the arms of LOL and having our own kids.

Toleration

Today I had a little chat with Sheling. She just broke up with her boyfriend and told me how much she wanted a happy family. I know, I knew it from the beginning that she is someone just like me. Someone who loves to have a happy and healthy family. The day I got the news bout her divorce I was shocked. But then again, not everyone has the courage to walk out of a marriage... I'm one of them.

And that made me think... well, not because of this that I have such thoughts. It was all these months that made me really mad. I really dont know how long can I tolerate anymore. He is getting from bad to worse. Everything I do seem not right. Sometimes I think what the fuck... Why do I have to give in all the time?

He said that I throw my temper, I always show him a black face. Bloody shit, I have faced his black face for the past so many years. There are just so many things that I dont know how to tell. Everyone seemed to be enemy to him. Why is he like that?

Everytime he goes out, he shows a sour face. And then, he on the other hand says I am the bad one.

He doesnt fucking appreciate what I have done. I threw him a big party, and all he said is to give me a massage for my birthday. He says I'm very fat. I cannot go out with my friends. When I come home, he will show me shit face and say he doesnt mind I go out. What the fuck...

I really dont know how long more I can stand... For the kids sake, I will.

The Old Bag

I have kept a bag... a bag filled with notes. I jotted down every sms and email I had with LOL. All the letters and notes I have packed and sealed and kept them away. I didnt want to read any of them anymore. But why am I still keeping them? Isnt it easier to just throw them away. Why go through the hassle of packing and sealing and hiding them? I dont know.

Today, I dont know why I went to dig it out and .... yes, I read, not all, but enough to make my skies grey again. I have loved him so much. He too. I really did love him, I do. And reading through the notes made me realised how much pain I have been through. I went into depression and even tried to hurt myself, physically. I hide away from people, there were no smiles, no words.

And after reading the notes, I know why he didnt want to talk to me anymore.

Well, he really dont know the pain I went through. It's sad and it does hurt. When you gave so much for him and he doesnt want to talk to you anymore. That was what he felt when I cut off all connections with him. No contacts after I changed my number.

Yes, I know it was bad, but that was the best way for me to live my life. I cannot help thinking of him all the time. I havent talked to him for so long, and yet I still miss him and think of him so much. What if he still calls?

After reading those, I really have the urge of sending him another message...

Is it too late to be friends again? Or do I really want to be friends with him?
Like I have said before, I can be friends with all my exes, cause I dont love them as much as I love LOL. It's different. Forget it. I think it's just a feeling I cannot control. Hopefully it will pass...

WTF

Is he really in his mid life crisis now? I really dont know until when I can stand him. I really dont know how to live with him anymore. Every thing he does is ok, and when I do the same, he says I am wrong.

If he wants someone to just sit there and let he scold, he can forget about it. and he really is turning into his father, which is my worst nightmare. For god sake, we are in the 21st century now. I dont think he can find someone he wants in life.

For me, I am very simple. I just want someone who is caring and family oriented, which he has zero of. I really dont know when can this thing end. I am so fed up with him. I really think I dont need him at all. I can live a better life without him.

I drive my own car, fill my own gas, pay my own bills, take care of my kids alone. I do everything on my own. Even buying a bag, I have to lie. Why? Why cant I use my own money to buy my own bag? Why he can buy a fucking paintball gun for 4000 without even thinking about it?

Knowing Too Much...

I always asked myself, if one day I found out a friend's husband having an affair, should or shouldnt I tell? Well, a couple staying together, sharing the same bed, if I tell, at the end, I'll be the bad one.

First case...JEE
After the first separation 3 years ago, Jee made another wrong move... I thought everything was fine with them, after going on a great trip together, after lots of things. However, mid of last year, it all came back to square one. Klo suddenly msn me telling me that Jee is mad again. She wants a separation and wants to end things with Klo. He told me that it's very difficult to have to go through what happened 3 years ago. I felt for him. I know what he meant and I know it's really bad. He is an egoist, for him to talk to me about these - he is hurt, very.

So things went the way she wanted. They arent divorced, but they sleep in separate houses, see each other for the sake of the kids. I can feel that Klo is giving up. He no more says "my wife". He doesnt give much face to her anymore. There were no physical closeness there. Soon, I found out the Klo has another woman. Well, who wouldnt fall for him? Rich, and he is a nice guy.

I knew there is a woman and yet I kept to myself. I did not tell anyone at all. I pretended I dont know. Is that the right way? Well, for any other circumstances, I would walk up to the man and talk to him. But for this case, I thought it was quite unfair to Klo. He loved her very much, I can tell. But now, things have gone the other way, and she was most to be blamed. I would love to see them together again.

Then beginning of this year, she told me that she suspected Klo of having an affair. All I did was to deny. I said no. She said it might be the previous girl. I told her no. Well, that I can be really sure, cause I have met his girl before. I felt so bad after that. I should have told her, but I didnt. I just didnt want things to get worse.

And we found out another friend having an affair. She asked me, "you think we are very bad that we dont tell her about this? we're good friends." Wow, the question directly aimed at me. I felt bad and the more she treats me good, the worse I felt. I always tell mr. that I want to keep myself away from this. I dont want to know anything about the girl or about them. Yes, mr. has stopped talking bout them to me, but somehow, informations just came shooting into me. Is silence really golden? Or should I just walk up and talk to him?

Case # 2 Shanti
This is a bigger case. They always say girls have sixth sense. I dont know bout others, but I do!!! I have longed suspected that Jone has an affair with Rine. And after that I was told that they do. What the F? She is almost older than him a decade. Anyway, last year also, Shanti came to me to complain about Jone, saying he spent too much time drinking and I agree to that.

And one fine day, both of them came to my house and they argued... Shanti found out that Jone had an affair. Oh dear, they argued and all... but she is still with him. She told me that they were planning for another baby.

I was really scratching my head. They just had a major argument and now she is telling me she wants a baby? First of all, fuck it. If I found out that mr. has an affair, too bad. I may or may not forgive him, but that has to depend on the next few months or maybe few years later. Whatever it is, dont even try to think about touching me again. But how can she still sleep with him and think of having another kid?

The biggest reason is that, she cannot live without him - literally. She will loose her spending power, her darn expensive bags, the luxuries of having a maid or even living in a dam big house. She dont want to risk any of her luxuries. Is this good or bad?

I know the girl. Should I or shouldnt I?

Jealous

Remember I have 3 buddies I categorised as my best.


These days Lynn & Jee have been really close these days, that I felt a little jealous. Sometimes I felt missed out. Should I feel this way? I know both of them treat me really good. I knew I was first in them compare to each other, but now I really dont know.

I dont know why I felt this way, am I insecure? I shouldnt, I know...

When is Enough?

I dont usually write from home, but today it's really bad. I needed to talk, but to no one. Not that I dont have any friends, but I just think it's a problem of my own.

I just dont know when I would stand up and tell him I want to be alone. Alone with my kids. I have had enough of him. Havent I gave in enough already? Havent I been the best wife already?
Everytime I go out, I am the earliest to leave, drink the least, zero flirting. And how often do I actually go out? I am pretty enough to get attention from guys, and yet I just ignore them. Cause I know I am a wife with 2 kids. Also, I am old enough to do what is right and what is wrong.

I could have walked away and signed the papers the last time we argued, and instead, I went for counselling and bought books of self improvement. Am I not good enough?

The moment I knew he got a job, I was the happiest. I bought him a notebook, I arranged for his cutleries and toiletries. And all I got was "can you put in a little effort to make me happy?" What the F***? I have always been pleasing people and now this is what I get?

Why should I be wasted with a man like him? I wish I can tell him that he doesnt deserve me at all and I really regret marrying him. This I knew it 8 years ago, and now this is really a confirmation of my regret. I stay with him for the sake of my kids. If it's not for my kids, I would have left long ago. I dont need him at all. I dont know what is the use of him actually. Having him is like not having him.

When we go out, he sits in a corner and not talk. He doesnt follow me to my friends and relatives' places. And he expects me to go with him to every function. WTF? He can go out partying when I am sick - dizzy and nausea. He expects me to take care of the kids and work in the office. And when he gets a cold, he expects me to be there for him 24/7.

There are millions of things that I would say about him. I just think he doesnt deserve me at all. And I really wish I can live a life without him.

Dr P

Well I was introduced to him last month I think. And I dont know why he left a really deep impression in me. I have been thinking of him a lot, which is quite funny. Why is this so? He is a year younger than mr.

i am getting crazy these days. always day dreaming, of him. nothing happened between us. i talked to him very little, but i know quite a lot about him. he was telling me how his life was. i have a feeling that he is attracted to me too. just a feeling.

actually i would love to know more about him. i just like him for being so sporty, so built.

mr. is not around these days. he finally got a job. a job far away which he has to travel every week. he will be away almost every weekday and comes back during the weekends. that leaves me more time to day dream. i kind of enjoyed the time being alone. i can do whatever i want, i can see whomever i want.

sometimes i would think, how nice it is to bump into dr.p. some coincidental incident. but why? what for? what happens next? you think i can just have a one night stand with him? no way, he knows mr.

or what about another affair? forget it. i just dont want to start all these rubbish again. i dont want to be hurt anymore. i'm too afraid and i will not risk my kids for my selfishness. but then again, no harm dreaming right?

sex with mr. has stopped. getting less and less again. are we going back to before? but i just dont want to do it. maybe i am having another person in mind? u think? bullshit. i dont even know what i am writing now. forget it...

i'll never stop dreaming...

Scared

Since the last post of my marriage therapy, I have not mentioned about it. How it went, what happened, was it right or wrong, good or bad?

Well, the past 3 months went on really well. We have been good, learning to give and take. I have been really patient, he too. We had sex, finally. It wasnt that bad, it was good actually. For that 3 months, we did more than we had for the last 7 years of our marriage.

Anyway, this 2 days, the feeling suddenly disappear again. I suddenly felt like 4 months ago, before the therapy books, before the argument, before giving in and all. I avoided sex, I felt annoying again. Why is this so? I thought I have fully left everything behind and started all over again. But how come it's coming back? I'm so scared.

Is this going to be like this forever? Once in a while it comes back? The last 3 months was good. I had a normal married life.

I'm so scared.

You Are Not Alone

there is something about songs...

everytime i listen to "you are not alone", i will think of ed. i just dont know why, and in fact i miss him a lot. there is something about him that i kind of like. all these years and still he is single and as playboy as ever (i guess).

the other day i met him in a restaurant. we talked, just a while. he always look at me in a certain way. his eyes seemed to be telling me he misses me a lot. well, i just think we, women has a sence of sensitivity. we know it, we really do.

now that micheal jackson is dead, the song keeps on playing - on radios, on tv, on my notebook. which is why i'm writing this now. i do miss him. sometimes i thought, it might be good to just come out for a drink and do some catching ups. not that i wanna start anything, it's just for old friends' sake.

Therapy...

I called up the center yesterday to schedule a booking. I kind of felt weird. I didnt know how or what to say to the guy on the other line. It's kind of funny to tell a stranger you have a problem. Anyway after he told me the price, I hang up - nicely. What the hell? Paying 600 bucks for a session - to tell a total stranger my problems? That's total bullshit. I would rather have a friend sit in front of us, telling them our problems.

And after I reached home, had dinner with my family, I took my son for a walk in a bookstore. I put him in the kid's section. There I was strolling down the "self improvment" section. Another funny thing. Standing there, I feel myself kind of embarrass, searching for books to help improve myself. Do I really need these?

Books like, Relationship Rescue, Why Woman can read maps, Help!!!, Woman are from Venus, Men are from MArs. All these titles made me feel not alone. There were tonnes of books about rescueing a relationship, blah blah blah. That means I am not the only one who needed help. If there were so many books written about these, it only meant one thing - men are from mars & women from venus.

I finally took 2 books - Mars & Venus Together Forever & The Secrets of a Happily Married Woman. We left and I headed straight to bed, not to sleep but to start my Family Rescue 101. I read and read and read. Wow, it almost answered all my questions. And for just one night, I have actually finished half the book.

Then I realised... what men really are and what they really want. And suddenly I feel so much an idiot to have wasted so much time on something that is not there.

I do hope that this thing will help me and hope it's not too late. But I need his help too. I know this book will help, but will not totally change me now. I do need time. I need his help to make me a better wife and I know we will make it happen.

Wish US luck... cheers to better marriage

Back to square 1

i think he knows me too well. he knows that i will not do anything to hurt my family. i think he knows i love my family too much. he is putting all the blame on me now. and this made me think twice.

am i really that bad a wife? or a person in general? if he has so much complaints about me, is there a reason for us to stay in this marriage? he said i always dig out his problems only when major arguments occur. i dont complain doesnt mean he has no faults. ok. maybe i tell him his problems at the wrong time, but why does he has to blame everything on me?

i know the problems really exist and i have not loved him back.

am i going to just sit on these problems and give in again?

i checked the psychologist center again. there is this thing called family therapy. should we both go? are there any better solutions?

i will give in for the last time and try to be a good wife. i'm giving myself 6 months, if things really doesnt work out, then i'm really gonna be out of here.

Finally...

these days we had more arguments than usual. we would quarrel over small issues. everything he does is wrong, everything i did was against him. finally yesterday, he said, we should stay apart and think things over. all i replied was "good idea".

i was not at all sad. i was not worried. in fact i was actually planning for a holiday, but due to the swine virus, i might as well just stay home. this is really something i want. something i have waited for for the past 7 years. i wish i can renovate my house now and just move in, and live a life all by myself. i wish this would end just like that.

on the other hand, what i'm most worried are my family. how they would react, how would they feel, will they be sad. how will my kids be growing in a single parent family? will they be laughed at? will they turned bad? i was also thinking... can i really let these stop my life again?

i had, for the past 32 years, living a life worrying about people around me, caring for how they feel, putting their thoughts in front of mine. am i going to continue being like this for the rest of my life? staying in a marriage that i dont like. that argues all the time.

why do i have to be angry for him coming back late?
why do i have to be angry for him waking up at noon?
why do i have to be angry for him not doing anything?

isnt it better that i live my own life? a healthy life with my 2 beautiful kids? i come home from work to my great family, to see my 2 kids, to have dinner with my parents and siblings. so that my kids know what a healthy and normal family is. i hate it when my kids see their dad sleeping so late and waking up so late.

i dont need him. i have thought a lot. think and think and think... but i couldnt find a reason to stay. because i just do not need him. either than that petite cash he is giving me, what else has he given?

even without him in my life, i can still have the life i have. nothing is going to change. if there is, it's only something good. i dont have to argue with him, i dont need to raise my voice, i dont need to worry about another person. i am just doin everything i was doing.

and that's why they say, never let a woman to learn to be independant. i just dont need man.

How Long More?

I just dont know how long more I can stand. I have been really tolerant all these years. I really dont know how else I can be. I just let him be who he is. I let him go where he wants to go. I allow him to do whatever he wants to do. I always believe that he is old enough to do what is right and able to judge what is wrong. He made a million in 2 weeks. He did not buy anything nice for me. He did not even bring me to a nice dinner. He did not plan to bring me for a holiday. I did not ask anything from him. I respect him, he said he needs those money for our kids. But he lost 2/3 of those. What have I got to say? What is this? He lost so much and yet, I did not ask one question, I did not scold. I did not throw my tantrums on him. I am just so disappointed. He always plans his trips with his friends but never with me. And when I say I wanna go out, he just ask why am I going so many places in a year or so. Why why why? I am just so fed up. He wakes up late, around noon. He goes out with his friends till late at night. Coming back at 1 or 2am is considered early for him. He cannot stay in the house. He complains that I dont bring my kids home to sleep, but when I do, he will leave the house as usual. So what is the point? He expects me to work, take care of the kids, do this, do that, do everything. He expects me to do all housework, and on the hand tells me that I should also support the family. So what is the use of having a husband? What is the use of having him when I can do everything on my own? I told myself... Please dont be too independant. If one day, I feel that I can do everything on my own and not need him, I might make rash decisions. This is not a life that I want. This is not a husband that I want. This is not a father I want for my kids. I'm just a simply lady. All I want is a normal home. A husband who works and love and care, a father who loves and play. I only want a family like my own. A husband like my dad or my brother. Am I asking for too much? Ok, he has been waking up rather late every weekday, so what is the problem with waking up early on weekends? To be with the kids, to bring us out. By the time he wakes up, it's already time for my kids to nap. Is this a family? I am still standing where I am for the sake of my kids. Really. And I know it's sad, but I have tried moving on. I really want to be home, but when he goes out and leaves me alone at home, I feel frustrated and mad. I would rather go back to my mum's house than to sleep alone. How am I suppose to live like this anymore?

My 3 Pals

I have 3 best friends. I know when we use the word best, it usually refers to only one, but who cares.

1) Gina (14 years)
I have actually known her for 14 years. Wow, of course she is my "bestest" buddy. Although we dont see each other very often, we are still best friends. We share everything. I love being with her and I can just do anything beside her. We went to college, then to pre-u, then all the way to Australia and then came back.

We go clubbing together, we dance together. We laughed, we smiled, we cried together. I missed her a lot cause she stays far far away and I only get to see her maybe 4-5 times a year. Sigh.

2) Lynn (12 years)
I always liked her, even before I knew her. Until we went to Australia only did I know her. Even then we were not that close. Just friends. Then when we came back from Australia, we became reall good friends. We started a business together, although it didnt work out, nothing came between us. The failure of the business didnt break our friendship.

We shared a lot. She was the first one whom I told about LOL. She was beside me all the while. I cried in front of her. We talked and shared a lot. We learn and taught each other a lot.

3) Jee (8 years)
We have a lot in common. We share the same surname, the same dialect. I dont share a lot of my personal stuff with her, but we do share other things. She sometimes can be really annoying but still I dont know why I treat her as my best friend. Maybe friends mean having to forgive and forget.

She is someone who will do anything to please you.

There you go, here are 3 of my best buddies. Just a simple something about them. And hopefully we will be friends forever.

"MY"

I have been married for almost 7 years. And I just realised, I have never used the word "my" for anything or whoever on his family side. For example...

1) his mum - my husband's mother, mr's mother, his mother
2) his sister - my husand's sis, mr's sis, his sister
3) the house we used to live in with his parents - his house, mr's house, his mom's house

I have never used the phrases, "my mother in law, my sister in law, our house"

To come to think of it, is this right? I have been married for so many years and yet I still dont want to acknowledge them as related to me? Why is this so? Am I bad? Both him & I agree that I am a perfect daughter, the best sister, but when it comes to in law, I sucked. He always say that I dont love him, I dont treat his family like my own, I dont treat the house as a home.

Yes, I agree. I never liked 'that' house. Cause there was no privacy, people can just come in and 'search' my drawers and read my letters. Funny how they lived and funny they were brought up this way. I am not trying to criticise on how people raise a family, but I am just so annoyed at that time. How can I make that my home?

Till today, only did I realised I have never used MY in laws. Well, I guess I should, now. Since I am given a 'home' and I get to do what I like.

I have decided to build this feeling with mr. I have decided to make it happen, rather than letting it be like this forever.

it's that time again - when the skies turn grey, the rain starts to fall, the temperature suddenly drops. and here i am sitting in front of my notebook once again, feeling out of place. dont feel like talking, no mood for laughings. suddenly everything becomes wrong. this is not right, that is wrong.

how can i actually overcome these? why does this feeling comes without warnings?

"duh"

Sad Xmas

I got my xmas present really early this year. But sad to say, it's something not good. On xmas eve, I got 20 missed calls from my uncle (who borrowed money form me). I purposely ignored his calls as I didnt know how to reject him.

This morning he called again. I spoke to him, told him I do not have money. I am struggling myself too. Anyway, he told me he will call me later to see if I can find the money. And then he called. I didnt answer, instead I called my aunty.

I was shocked. She told me on xmas eve, someone send him to her house and mum's to borrow money from them. Oh my god!!! Who the f*** is the guy? What if he is the loan shark? What if he comes back again? I am so worried now.

Mum is so old and she is always in the house with my 2 most precious. I cannot afford to have any of them hurt. I am really worried. He called again. i rejected again with a message:-

"i dont have money, dun call me anymore, i cant help"

"thank you for helping me. dun tell anyone that i call u"

"i'm sorry but i know mum & yi just gave you money. pls dont call them anymore pls dun disturb her, thank you"

"i will. i wont disturb them anymore. if i cant stand up on my own, i wont meet all the family members. i'm sorry. what i have done last time cause me to loose all my family members"

Sigh, again that made me felt bad. I really dont know what to do now. But I have made the decision to confront mum. I will let her know that he has called me and I have gave him money too.

The 5th time

It has been raining a lot these days. Too much that it caused too many landslides, accidents and deaths. At times, I would rather not read the newspaper, rather not listen to the radio or watch the tv for news... It's too sad.



Anyway, it has been raining a lot and here I am seated in front of the computer not knowing what I should write. When I have totally gotten LOL out of my mind, there is nothing more to write about? That is hillarious. Is this blog really for unhappy stuffs only?



Cant I just blog about how great yesterday's massage was? Cant I just mentioned how sweet my dear boy is? Cant I just tell you all how mischevious my little girl is? Cant I just say how wonderful my life is now?



It's funny... really. In fact this is the 5th time I logged on and finally wrote something. For the past 4 times, I have actually signed in, hands on the keyboard - but ended up with a blank page. Logged off and continued with something else.



This morning while driving to work, I heard on the radio - divorce was the topic. And there were far too many callers. Why is this so? Why is it that everyone choose divorce over solving the problem? And to my surprise, the majority of people initiating divorce are wives. I guessed it's because women these days are more independant. They dont need men, they are able to support themselves. The new aged women believe in equal rights. I had the same thought. I wish I had the courage to stand up and tell him what I wanted.

But now, I am kind of happy that I didnt make such move...