I got my xmas present really early this year. But sad to say, it's something not good. On xmas eve, I got 20 missed calls from my uncle (who borrowed money form me). I purposely ignored his calls as I didnt know how to reject him.
This morning he called again. I spoke to him, told him I do not have money. I am struggling myself too. Anyway, he told me he will call me later to see if I can find the money. And then he called. I didnt answer, instead I called my aunty.
I was shocked. She told me on xmas eve, someone send him to her house and mum's to borrow money from them. Oh my god!!! Who the f*** is the guy? What if he is the loan shark? What if he comes back again? I am so worried now.
Mum is so old and she is always in the house with my 2 most precious. I cannot afford to have any of them hurt. I am really worried. He called again. i rejected again with a message:-
"i dont have money, dun call me anymore, i cant help"
"thank you for helping me. dun tell anyone that i call u"
"i'm sorry but i know mum & yi just gave you money. pls dont call them anymore pls dun disturb her, thank you"
"i will. i wont disturb them anymore. if i cant stand up on my own, i wont meet all the family members. i'm sorry. what i have done last time cause me to loose all my family members"
Sigh, again that made me felt bad. I really dont know what to do now. But I have made the decision to confront mum. I will let her know that he has called me and I have gave him money too.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
The 5th time
It has been raining a lot these days. Too much that it caused too many landslides, accidents and deaths. At times, I would rather not read the newspaper, rather not listen to the radio or watch the tv for news... It's too sad.
Anyway, it has been raining a lot and here I am seated in front of the computer not knowing what I should write. When I have totally gotten LOL out of my mind, there is nothing more to write about? That is hillarious. Is this blog really for unhappy stuffs only?
Cant I just blog about how great yesterday's massage was? Cant I just mentioned how sweet my dear boy is? Cant I just tell you all how mischevious my little girl is? Cant I just say how wonderful my life is now?
It's funny... really. In fact this is the 5th time I logged on and finally wrote something. For the past 4 times, I have actually signed in, hands on the keyboard - but ended up with a blank page. Logged off and continued with something else.
This morning while driving to work, I heard on the radio - divorce was the topic. And there were far too many callers. Why is this so? Why is it that everyone choose divorce over solving the problem? And to my surprise, the majority of people initiating divorce are wives. I guessed it's because women these days are more independant. They dont need men, they are able to support themselves. The new aged women believe in equal rights. I had the same thought. I wish I had the courage to stand up and tell him what I wanted.
But now, I am kind of happy that I didnt make such move...
Anyway, it has been raining a lot and here I am seated in front of the computer not knowing what I should write. When I have totally gotten LOL out of my mind, there is nothing more to write about? That is hillarious. Is this blog really for unhappy stuffs only?
Cant I just blog about how great yesterday's massage was? Cant I just mentioned how sweet my dear boy is? Cant I just tell you all how mischevious my little girl is? Cant I just say how wonderful my life is now?
It's funny... really. In fact this is the 5th time I logged on and finally wrote something. For the past 4 times, I have actually signed in, hands on the keyboard - but ended up with a blank page. Logged off and continued with something else.
This morning while driving to work, I heard on the radio - divorce was the topic. And there were far too many callers. Why is this so? Why is it that everyone choose divorce over solving the problem? And to my surprise, the majority of people initiating divorce are wives. I guessed it's because women these days are more independant. They dont need men, they are able to support themselves. The new aged women believe in equal rights. I had the same thought. I wish I had the courage to stand up and tell him what I wanted.
But now, I am kind of happy that I didnt make such move...
Thursday, December 04, 2008
Lazy, aint I?
Mr. went on a holiday, and today is the third day. Instead of going out to party or meeting up some friends or doing anything that I should have, I stayed home. I was with my family the past 3 days and enjoying it.
Wanted to meet up with some friends for a drink - too lazy. Wanted to go for a massage - too lazy. Wanted to go shopping and beautify myself - too lazy. Why? Am I too used to having a life like that? Am I only restrained to my own family? But, I am not at all complaining, nor am I bored. In fact I am happy as always.
I dont even bother about LOL anymore. I am so glad he is out of my life... finally.
Wanted to meet up with some friends for a drink - too lazy. Wanted to go for a massage - too lazy. Wanted to go shopping and beautify myself - too lazy. Why? Am I too used to having a life like that? Am I only restrained to my own family? But, I am not at all complaining, nor am I bored. In fact I am happy as always.
I dont even bother about LOL anymore. I am so glad he is out of my life... finally.
Friday, November 21, 2008
I Need to Talk
I really need to talk...
but dont know what I wanna talk about. About life? Isnt it boring?
I really want to try to lead a new life. A changed life, but it's impossible.
but dont know what I wanna talk about. About life? Isnt it boring?
I really want to try to lead a new life. A changed life, but it's impossible.
Finally it's Over
I still search for LOL in facebook. Still reads his "what are you doing right now". Just for the sake of knowing what he is doing...
Yesterday I searched him again and he wrote ...is going home to catch up with beloved wife.
Instead of feeling bad, I was ok. Does it mean I have finally gotten over with him? Does it mean it's finally over? I did gave it a thought, I wasnt wrong, I knew he was a great husband. I know he is a great father. Instead of being envious and jealous, I felt happy for him. I am glad that he finally found someone he loved.
So I really guess it's time for me to move on. It has been 8 years since I met him for the first time. It's a very long time indeed. I do think of him at times, but getting back together with him is a big NoNo.
Now I am just hoping that things get better between mr & me.
Yesterday I searched him again and he wrote ...is going home to catch up with beloved wife.
Instead of feeling bad, I was ok. Does it mean I have finally gotten over with him? Does it mean it's finally over? I did gave it a thought, I wasnt wrong, I knew he was a great husband. I know he is a great father. Instead of being envious and jealous, I felt happy for him. I am glad that he finally found someone he loved.
So I really guess it's time for me to move on. It has been 8 years since I met him for the first time. It's a very long time indeed. I do think of him at times, but getting back together with him is a big NoNo.
Now I am just hoping that things get better between mr & me.
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
A Loving Niece
i am sad. nothing to do with Mr. nor LOL this time.
i have an uncle (my mum's brother). he gambled and lost a hell lot of money. my mum and all aunties have helped him in all sorts of ways and finally the debt was settled. he lost his job and his family. everything was fine until yesterday.
out of the blue he called me. after 5 minutes of normal conversation, he finally asked if i have money to lend him. oh dear. i still remember when i was much younger, he always played with us and loved us a lot. he is the youngest sibling in the family so everyone loves him a lot. especially mum.
it hurts me so much to hear that. i know that he couldnt find money anywhere else. i was disappointed and he told me not to tell mum or dad. he doesnt want them to worry. i promised him cause i really dont want him to trouble mum anymore. mum worries a lot.
i met him and gave him the money. standing in front of him, i couldnt help but cried. i was sad and disappointed. i told him that this is my hard earned money and please dont used it to gamble. he said he doesnt gamble anymore.
i left and really hope he doesnt gamble anymore.
i have an uncle (my mum's brother). he gambled and lost a hell lot of money. my mum and all aunties have helped him in all sorts of ways and finally the debt was settled. he lost his job and his family. everything was fine until yesterday.
out of the blue he called me. after 5 minutes of normal conversation, he finally asked if i have money to lend him. oh dear. i still remember when i was much younger, he always played with us and loved us a lot. he is the youngest sibling in the family so everyone loves him a lot. especially mum.
it hurts me so much to hear that. i know that he couldnt find money anywhere else. i was disappointed and he told me not to tell mum or dad. he doesnt want them to worry. i promised him cause i really dont want him to trouble mum anymore. mum worries a lot.
i met him and gave him the money. standing in front of him, i couldnt help but cried. i was sad and disappointed. i told him that this is my hard earned money and please dont used it to gamble. he said he doesnt gamble anymore.
i left and really hope he doesnt gamble anymore.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Its' been quite a while
Last weekend I went for a wedding, where I met some of my old school mates. Didnt talk much with them though, knowing me. I am always like that. Wouldnt start a conversation, wouldnt walk up to them to talk.
Anyway, there he was sitting on the table next to mine. I always have a "good friend" feeling for Ed. He knows quite a lot about me. But since I have been married, we drifted apart and almost lost contact. We have bumped into each other while clubbing sometimes. But having a proper meal, sharing stuffs - no.
About 15 minutes before the dinner ended, aunt may came up to me...
AM : you see, he is wearing the bracelet you gave him
Me : no, i dont think so. it's another one
AM : it is. he told me the other day. he showed me the bracelet and said 'i still keep this, but wonder whether she keeps it or not'. u sure threw away, right?
Me : hmm... >_<
Then I kept wondering, is that really the one I gave him? Does he really still keeps it? If yes, why? Dont tell me he still likes me. Hard to believe. Well, not that I love him so much to want to find out. Just that I am curious. It's always nice to know that there is someone out there that likes you.
I almost forgot that I have actually given him a bracelet. And then many memories flashed through. I have never really loved him. I know he did, well, not too sure though, knowing him. Do you think he would actually love me? He loves everybody.
Many things between us has happened. He was first sat next to me in class. He then left for Singapore for further studies. He called me so often while he was away. He told me how sad he was there, and how much he misses me. He told people that he likes me. When he comes back, he will definitely look for me.
He went to London to visit his sister. He called me everyday when he was there. Then came back with so many presents for me. I went to pick him up from the airport. We went back to his house in TTDI. Nothing happened. I didnt slept with him. And I remembered him telling me, "I love you so much, why do you have to treat me like this?" when I started going out with Mr.
I remember sharing my problems with him, but didnt know when it ended.
Hmm... I just want to know.
Anyway, there he was sitting on the table next to mine. I always have a "good friend" feeling for Ed. He knows quite a lot about me. But since I have been married, we drifted apart and almost lost contact. We have bumped into each other while clubbing sometimes. But having a proper meal, sharing stuffs - no.
About 15 minutes before the dinner ended, aunt may came up to me...
AM : you see, he is wearing the bracelet you gave him
Me : no, i dont think so. it's another one
AM : it is. he told me the other day. he showed me the bracelet and said 'i still keep this, but wonder whether she keeps it or not'. u sure threw away, right?
Me : hmm... >_<
Then I kept wondering, is that really the one I gave him? Does he really still keeps it? If yes, why? Dont tell me he still likes me. Hard to believe. Well, not that I love him so much to want to find out. Just that I am curious. It's always nice to know that there is someone out there that likes you.
I almost forgot that I have actually given him a bracelet. And then many memories flashed through. I have never really loved him. I know he did, well, not too sure though, knowing him. Do you think he would actually love me? He loves everybody.
Many things between us has happened. He was first sat next to me in class. He then left for Singapore for further studies. He called me so often while he was away. He told me how sad he was there, and how much he misses me. He told people that he likes me. When he comes back, he will definitely look for me.
He went to London to visit his sister. He called me everyday when he was there. Then came back with so many presents for me. I went to pick him up from the airport. We went back to his house in TTDI. Nothing happened. I didnt slept with him. And I remembered him telling me, "I love you so much, why do you have to treat me like this?" when I started going out with Mr.
I remember sharing my problems with him, but didnt know when it ended.
Hmm... I just want to know.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
黄昏 - Dawn
sometimes i just hate listening to songs. it reminds me of so many things. it really digs out the deepest memories. that is why i have stopped listening to the songs that i have heard with him. all seemed so clear in mind. last night i bought "sex & the city". i have always loved this show. it taught me a lot of things, that i sometimes wished i had watched it earlier... then maybe i could have made a better decision.
i have always thought that Carrie will never end up with Big. but somehow they did. and Big emailed Carrie, his very last mail read "i know i screwed up, but i will always love you..."
at that very moment, i wanted to message LOL the exact words. but to think of it again, what's the use? why should i? why should i even care after what he said to me? how can i actually still have thoughts about him? what have i done so bad that made him say that 2 words to me?
i really wanted to send him a mail asking him why did i do that made him so mad at me. if it's because i changed my number, it's really stupid. he doesnt know what i have been through. he doesnt know what he had done to me - mentally. i now believe, what hurts most is not the phsyical part, it's the mental part.
bruises and cuts can heal. but the feelings and memory cannot...
i have always thought that Carrie will never end up with Big. but somehow they did. and Big emailed Carrie, his very last mail read "i know i screwed up, but i will always love you..."
at that very moment, i wanted to message LOL the exact words. but to think of it again, what's the use? why should i? why should i even care after what he said to me? how can i actually still have thoughts about him? what have i done so bad that made him say that 2 words to me?
i really wanted to send him a mail asking him why did i do that made him so mad at me. if it's because i changed my number, it's really stupid. he doesnt know what i have been through. he doesnt know what he had done to me - mentally. i now believe, what hurts most is not the phsyical part, it's the mental part.
bruises and cuts can heal. but the feelings and memory cannot...
Friday, July 25, 2008
Mr. went away
I dont know why every time Mr. leaves the counrty, I being alone, will try to find all ways to go out. But at the end of the day, will end up staying in the house with my 2 beautiful kids. Well...unless my best buddy is here. She lives miles away, 4 hours drive.
Anyway, mr. left on monday and I didnt go out mon, tues and wed. Gina came on wednesday night, we stayed home. Yesterday, we finally went out for a drink. We had a Mexican dinner then went to a club. In there, I was again so conscious. I drank quite a lot but not enough.
Carl still likes me a lot. I definitely have no feelings at all. Sometimes I dont understand why he would still like a married woman with 2 kids. Is this really love? Or just because he couldnt have me, he just couldnt let it go? But when I think deeper, I am doing the same, aint I? I still love LOL so much, despite all these bullshits!!!
I actually enjoyed a lot that Mr. is not around. Not only the party part which is just a small portion, but even with my daily life. I dont need to report to anyone, I can do whatever I want, in my own way, at my own pace. Is this a telltale sign asking me to leave? But dont I have all the telltales signs that I need?
Anyway, mr. left on monday and I didnt go out mon, tues and wed. Gina came on wednesday night, we stayed home. Yesterday, we finally went out for a drink. We had a Mexican dinner then went to a club. In there, I was again so conscious. I drank quite a lot but not enough.
Carl still likes me a lot. I definitely have no feelings at all. Sometimes I dont understand why he would still like a married woman with 2 kids. Is this really love? Or just because he couldnt have me, he just couldnt let it go? But when I think deeper, I am doing the same, aint I? I still love LOL so much, despite all these bullshits!!!
I actually enjoyed a lot that Mr. is not around. Not only the party part which is just a small portion, but even with my daily life. I dont need to report to anyone, I can do whatever I want, in my own way, at my own pace. Is this a telltale sign asking me to leave? But dont I have all the telltales signs that I need?
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Why Do I Still Care?
Why do I still care? Why do I blocked him in the facebook and yet search for him every once in a while? Why is it that I still want to know what is going on with him? Why is it that he has to limit his profile? Why is it that he blocked me from seeing him in facebook? Why why why?
Does this all matter? Why do I have to put myself at the bottom end when I have everything in first class now? I am really done with him. Thoroughly done...
Does this all matter? Why do I have to put myself at the bottom end when I have everything in first class now? I am really done with him. Thoroughly done...
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Theraphy
This morning I woke up and couldnt stop thinking how crazy I am. Living my life without S. How am I suppose to continue living like this? If I dont do anything, I will eventually end up being a single mom. Last night, he asked me what is the problem - is it mine or his? I also dont know. Before I slept, I asked myself why, I still couldnt find the answer. Not even to myself.
Is it really LOL? But he has long gone. I have kind of let him go and havent thought of him so much already. Why is this so?
About 15 minutes ago, I actually googled for "psychologist in malaysia". Am I really crazy? I visited Malaysia Psychology Center. They have a whole list of theraphies. I clicked on the "contact us" page. Then clicked back. I took the phone and dialled then hung up.
Why? Why? Why should I actually call them? Do you think I really need their help? Am I actually living in denial? This is so crazy. Forget it. I have a wonderful life. I need not any professional help in living a life. I know what I am doing.
Do I?
Is it really LOL? But he has long gone. I have kind of let him go and havent thought of him so much already. Why is this so?
About 15 minutes ago, I actually googled for "psychologist in malaysia". Am I really crazy? I visited Malaysia Psychology Center. They have a whole list of theraphies. I clicked on the "contact us" page. Then clicked back. I took the phone and dialled then hung up.
Why? Why? Why should I actually call them? Do you think I really need their help? Am I actually living in denial? This is so crazy. Forget it. I have a wonderful life. I need not any professional help in living a life. I know what I am doing.
Do I?
Monday, May 26, 2008
Let Go Yourself
Last weekend Mr. was not around. I went out with Carl & Gina. It has been such a long time since the 3 of us got together. I still remember times in Australia when we couldnt care less. We had happening weekends, sleepless nights and those were the days.
Anyway, we had a great dinner and then went to party. The crowd sucks but being with 2 best buddies makes everything better. We ordered a bottle of whiskey, then added 2 jugs of Long Island Tea. Still not enough to make us 3 drunk to the max. Anyway, we did enjoy. At the club, Carl asked how was I. I said I was ok, he told me he is really happy. For the past few years he has made a lot of money. I am happy for him.
3 of us had different lives.
Carl made a statement, saying that I hadnt let myself go enough. Now that my husband is not around, I still held back. I should be the one who is dead drunk and enjoyed to the fullest. Instead, I was the most sober one. Although, it's just a small statement, I dont know why for the past 3 days I have been thinking of this so much. I totally agree with him. Not only for that day, but for the past years that I have. I have been holding back even when I was alone in Australia.
I don't usually wear sleeveless or clothes that are too revealing. That day I wore a spagetti top. I felt really uneasy. Carl said I should be more daring. Why am I always having low self esteem, having no confidence in myself? Why? I really dont know. Even at this age, having 2 kids, I still find myself pretty, I think I am most beautiful now. Why? I still remember how LOL always encouraged me to have more confident. Well, he doesnt like me wearing too revealing, but he always thinks that I am pretty. Oh... just forget it. No point thinking of him, at all.
I really dont know why. I really wanna try to do something and not think of what others thought. I really need some time, where I do something and no need to care but what people say - even Mr.
Anyway, we had a great dinner and then went to party. The crowd sucks but being with 2 best buddies makes everything better. We ordered a bottle of whiskey, then added 2 jugs of Long Island Tea. Still not enough to make us 3 drunk to the max. Anyway, we did enjoy. At the club, Carl asked how was I. I said I was ok, he told me he is really happy. For the past few years he has made a lot of money. I am happy for him.
3 of us had different lives.
Carl made a statement, saying that I hadnt let myself go enough. Now that my husband is not around, I still held back. I should be the one who is dead drunk and enjoyed to the fullest. Instead, I was the most sober one. Although, it's just a small statement, I dont know why for the past 3 days I have been thinking of this so much. I totally agree with him. Not only for that day, but for the past years that I have. I have been holding back even when I was alone in Australia.
I don't usually wear sleeveless or clothes that are too revealing. That day I wore a spagetti top. I felt really uneasy. Carl said I should be more daring. Why am I always having low self esteem, having no confidence in myself? Why? I really dont know. Even at this age, having 2 kids, I still find myself pretty, I think I am most beautiful now. Why? I still remember how LOL always encouraged me to have more confident. Well, he doesnt like me wearing too revealing, but he always thinks that I am pretty. Oh... just forget it. No point thinking of him, at all.
I really dont know why. I really wanna try to do something and not think of what others thought. I really need some time, where I do something and no need to care but what people say - even Mr.
Sexless
I don't know how to say. And I have not tell this to anyone at all as I know no one is going to believe me, or they may just think I am crazy. Only Mr. & I will know the truth.
The last time I had sex was when I was 8 months pregnant with my 2nd child. And she is 14 months now. Do the math and see how long ago was my last. Oh dear, sometimes I myself cannot believe it. Well, thank god I am a homely person, if not Mr. will definitely think that I am having an affair.
I do have the urge. I miss being cuddled, being kissed, being caressed. But thinking of the real thing, I just couldnt get myself to do it. One of the nights last month, he finally couldnt stand and started touching me in the middle of the sleep. I didnt reject, I played along. It's funny how my body rejected him. There were no libido. He couldnt even be in me. Why is this so? We ended up not doing it.
I laid there, thinking... is it him or is it me? Why is this happening? I havent done it for more than a year and how come my body is rejecting this. I really need a doctor. Should I go see a psychologist? Is there something in my head that is holding me back? What is it? I have put LOL down since the facebook message. What else? Please, just get him out of my head, my life, my heart, just get him out of ME!!! I dont want this to ruin my life another time.
I also thought, I should give it a try and really go into the mood to have great sex again. But once I come to think of it, I would rather masturbate and sleep through the night. Why is this so? Is he not giving me the orgasm I need? Am I asking too much? Or I just dont want him anymore?
So what is going to happen? How am I suppose to solve this? Divorce is the last thing I want. I really dont know what I'm suppose to do.
The last time I had sex was when I was 8 months pregnant with my 2nd child. And she is 14 months now. Do the math and see how long ago was my last. Oh dear, sometimes I myself cannot believe it. Well, thank god I am a homely person, if not Mr. will definitely think that I am having an affair.
I do have the urge. I miss being cuddled, being kissed, being caressed. But thinking of the real thing, I just couldnt get myself to do it. One of the nights last month, he finally couldnt stand and started touching me in the middle of the sleep. I didnt reject, I played along. It's funny how my body rejected him. There were no libido. He couldnt even be in me. Why is this so? We ended up not doing it.
I laid there, thinking... is it him or is it me? Why is this happening? I havent done it for more than a year and how come my body is rejecting this. I really need a doctor. Should I go see a psychologist? Is there something in my head that is holding me back? What is it? I have put LOL down since the facebook message. What else? Please, just get him out of my head, my life, my heart, just get him out of ME!!! I dont want this to ruin my life another time.
I also thought, I should give it a try and really go into the mood to have great sex again. But once I come to think of it, I would rather masturbate and sleep through the night. Why is this so? Is he not giving me the orgasm I need? Am I asking too much? Or I just dont want him anymore?
So what is going to happen? How am I suppose to solve this? Divorce is the last thing I want. I really dont know what I'm suppose to do.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Re-Virginate
I cannot remember the exact date when I last had sex, but I know it's a year ago. Definitely. Wow, can you believe it? Can you actually believe that a person can live a year without sex? Oh dear. I am not abnormal, I do have urges. I do want to have sex. I do feel horny. But what can I do? I cannot get myself close to him. I really don't know why.
Is this a sickness? Am I insane? I would love to have sex everyday. I need a man. I really do. I miss being cuddled, being caressed, being kissed, being touched... let's not go deeper. What should I do? Sometimes I fantasize, I really wish I can just go out and get laid. But on the other hand, I can't. I cannot do anything to hurt my kids.
LOL hurt me too much. I dont know why I am taking his words so seriously even until now. Lynn always say I am crazy, which I too think so.
Is this a sickness? Am I insane? I would love to have sex everyday. I need a man. I really do. I miss being cuddled, being caressed, being kissed, being touched... let's not go deeper. What should I do? Sometimes I fantasize, I really wish I can just go out and get laid. But on the other hand, I can't. I cannot do anything to hurt my kids.
LOL hurt me too much. I dont know why I am taking his words so seriously even until now. Lynn always say I am crazy, which I too think so.
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