The Songs

What made me open this page to write is this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jTWiEzpjuzo.

Things have been better. I am putting more effort into the marriage. Of course there are a lot of things in between. I sometimes feel great, and at times, sky just seemed darker. There are a lot of people out there that I know is having problems with their marriages. Is this happening everywhere?

Back to what brought me here... Everytime I listen to this song, it reminds me so much of him. In fact there are so many songs that just reminds me of him. He meant so much to me, I really wish that I can walk up to him to just talk to him. Well, yes, I did. I did try, but all I got was "i hope we dont talk". It hurt me so much, like a cut deep into my heart.

Why would he hate me so much? Why is he doing this to me when I have sacrificed so much for him? When I have wasted so much tears on him? When I have been missing him so much? Why is he so important to me? Can I talk to anyone about this at all anymore? Havent Lynn, Chyee and Gina heard enough of my sorrows for him? Who else can I talk to either than writing all I feel in here?

This feeling just keeps coming back...

Why Are We Talking about the Past?

Last night before I slept, I spoke to Lynn. Told her about what happened. We were talking and talking bout how stupid I am and all, then she asked me something, something I did not planned of hearing.

"Why didnt you choose the other chinese guy?"

I didnt know how to answer her. All I said was he's too far. She told me Melaka wasnt far. Somemore he was more handsome and criteria is much better. Yes I know, I knew it long before. But why? I still dont know why. I missed him so much and I still do. We were talking and talking about him then. She even found him on FB. I told her he is married with 2 beautiful daughters. And I even told her about the FB message that he sent me "it's better that we dont speak". She said I must have hurt him really badly. Yes I know...

And in the middle of the conversation, she asked, "wtf, why are we talking about the past? maybe we should plan the future now." I replied, "u r right, i'm still living in the past, maybe that's where the problems lie."

Ya, why am I still thinking of the past? Why do I still care about the "what ifs"? what's the point? why do I still wanna think of what will happen if I marry LOL? These thoughts are making me crazy.

But actually this problem that I have with Mr. is it really related to this? I have put LOL away long ago, or did I?

I'm really very fed up with him. Why doesnt he appreciate me more? I have given up such a great man for him, why cant he treasure me more? Why is he always talking about divorce? Or wanting a single life? What happens later? What will happen if I get back with him? I'm gonna be stuck like this forever? Things will all go back to square one, a predicted. Even Lynn said, I can tolerate. Nothing will happen, I will still be where I am.

That's really sad.

Again

Another argument. I just dont know what he wants. He is always showing me his black face and for all the years I have given in. I really cannot stand anymore. And for all the years, he has been telling me how bad I am, how bad my temper is, how inconsiderate I am, blah blah blah. If I have not been so considerate and calm, I would have argued with him every single day. Cause he just drives me nuts.

He said I dont sleep with him. Can't he notice that what he does turns me off? He always say I am fat, I am not pretty. Always say I'm old, and nobody wants me at all. Go out also aunty already. Yes I accept the fact that I am an aunty, a mother of 2, but he doesnt have to say it straight to my face. Moreover, I think I am still attractive, in a way.

ME: the man told me, your husband is so lucky
HE: Oh, u didnt tell him, u are luckier?

ME: u see my face, quite slim hor
HE: yala, but ur body is dam fat.

Yesterday, he said to have 3 months break, and I agreed.

Am Sad

I dont like the fact that Jee is getting closer to Lynn. Why is it that she is starting a business with her without my knowledge. I know Lynn will not do anything behind my back, or hide anything. Why is Jee doing this? This is bad. I introduced Lynn to her and she is taking all my friends away. She is getting closer to all of my friends. Why is this so?

The other day I did something she did to me. I asked her via sms why did she start something with my friend without telling me. And I know she knows I dont like it. Well, we shall see how.

And the fact that she tells everyone how bad Klo is, is making me feel even worse. She is the one who is flirting around and making Klo do things that he did and now she is blaming him for all the consequences.

I dont know why I have such feelings but I just cant help it. Well, maybe I'm feeling insecure. I should trust Lynn... What beats a 14-year friendship?

How many people?

It is sad that people actually remember your birthday through facebook. Because of the FB, I have like 50 wishes. Normally I dont, I just have that few closer ones who will sms me, wishing me a happy birthday.

So this year, I hide my birthdate from FB. I just want to know how many people actually remembers...

News just come by

I dont know why news just come flying to me on their own.

Jee
The other day, she showed me a mms from her phone, and I accidentally pressed a button and something I should not. It was an sms from someone I know, who calls her dear... Well I have only met him 3 times, and how have they gotten so closed? He is Lynn's friend, and I told her. She said he never called her dear. Funny, and it was something like, he couldnt meet her that night for dinner. Well...

Jee is a great girl, great friend. The only problem with her is, she wants to be everyone's best friend. She wants everyone to like her. So she will say all sorts of things to make someone hate another. That's very funny. But so far, I have not heard anything bad about me.

Shanti
Once bitten, twice shy. What is three times? She caught her husband red handed with the same woman. The same old f**king bitch. Dont understand why would he wanna be with someone older than the wife 10 years.

Gina
She has told me about her new beau. Not much, I only know that there is a he in her life. Until recently, she brought him out and we finally met. He is a great guy, I think. Out spoken, tall, smart. When she told me that he doesnt take pictures, I suspected, but didnt ask.

Then she told me he is married. And he is going through divorce... Again, do men always say things like that to get women? And do women really believe them? Well, maybe when you are in the situation, everything is different. Drown by love.

Sometimes I wonder, whether I am too clear... think too much, too smart? That got me into the situation I am now. Why do I have to care so much for others? Why do I even need to think about how others think? If I werent thinking that much, I would have been living in the historical city of Malaysia, in the arms of LOL and having our own kids.

Toleration

Today I had a little chat with Sheling. She just broke up with her boyfriend and told me how much she wanted a happy family. I know, I knew it from the beginning that she is someone just like me. Someone who loves to have a happy and healthy family. The day I got the news bout her divorce I was shocked. But then again, not everyone has the courage to walk out of a marriage... I'm one of them.

And that made me think... well, not because of this that I have such thoughts. It was all these months that made me really mad. I really dont know how long can I tolerate anymore. He is getting from bad to worse. Everything I do seem not right. Sometimes I think what the fuck... Why do I have to give in all the time?

He said that I throw my temper, I always show him a black face. Bloody shit, I have faced his black face for the past so many years. There are just so many things that I dont know how to tell. Everyone seemed to be enemy to him. Why is he like that?

Everytime he goes out, he shows a sour face. And then, he on the other hand says I am the bad one.

He doesnt fucking appreciate what I have done. I threw him a big party, and all he said is to give me a massage for my birthday. He says I'm very fat. I cannot go out with my friends. When I come home, he will show me shit face and say he doesnt mind I go out. What the fuck...

I really dont know how long more I can stand... For the kids sake, I will.

The Old Bag

I have kept a bag... a bag filled with notes. I jotted down every sms and email I had with LOL. All the letters and notes I have packed and sealed and kept them away. I didnt want to read any of them anymore. But why am I still keeping them? Isnt it easier to just throw them away. Why go through the hassle of packing and sealing and hiding them? I dont know.

Today, I dont know why I went to dig it out and .... yes, I read, not all, but enough to make my skies grey again. I have loved him so much. He too. I really did love him, I do. And reading through the notes made me realised how much pain I have been through. I went into depression and even tried to hurt myself, physically. I hide away from people, there were no smiles, no words.

And after reading the notes, I know why he didnt want to talk to me anymore.

Well, he really dont know the pain I went through. It's sad and it does hurt. When you gave so much for him and he doesnt want to talk to you anymore. That was what he felt when I cut off all connections with him. No contacts after I changed my number.

Yes, I know it was bad, but that was the best way for me to live my life. I cannot help thinking of him all the time. I havent talked to him for so long, and yet I still miss him and think of him so much. What if he still calls?

After reading those, I really have the urge of sending him another message...

Is it too late to be friends again? Or do I really want to be friends with him?
Like I have said before, I can be friends with all my exes, cause I dont love them as much as I love LOL. It's different. Forget it. I think it's just a feeling I cannot control. Hopefully it will pass...

WTF

Is he really in his mid life crisis now? I really dont know until when I can stand him. I really dont know how to live with him anymore. Every thing he does is ok, and when I do the same, he says I am wrong.

If he wants someone to just sit there and let he scold, he can forget about it. and he really is turning into his father, which is my worst nightmare. For god sake, we are in the 21st century now. I dont think he can find someone he wants in life.

For me, I am very simple. I just want someone who is caring and family oriented, which he has zero of. I really dont know when can this thing end. I am so fed up with him. I really think I dont need him at all. I can live a better life without him.

I drive my own car, fill my own gas, pay my own bills, take care of my kids alone. I do everything on my own. Even buying a bag, I have to lie. Why? Why cant I use my own money to buy my own bag? Why he can buy a fucking paintball gun for 4000 without even thinking about it?

Knowing Too Much...

I always asked myself, if one day I found out a friend's husband having an affair, should or shouldnt I tell? Well, a couple staying together, sharing the same bed, if I tell, at the end, I'll be the bad one.

First case...JEE
After the first separation 3 years ago, Jee made another wrong move... I thought everything was fine with them, after going on a great trip together, after lots of things. However, mid of last year, it all came back to square one. Klo suddenly msn me telling me that Jee is mad again. She wants a separation and wants to end things with Klo. He told me that it's very difficult to have to go through what happened 3 years ago. I felt for him. I know what he meant and I know it's really bad. He is an egoist, for him to talk to me about these - he is hurt, very.

So things went the way she wanted. They arent divorced, but they sleep in separate houses, see each other for the sake of the kids. I can feel that Klo is giving up. He no more says "my wife". He doesnt give much face to her anymore. There were no physical closeness there. Soon, I found out the Klo has another woman. Well, who wouldnt fall for him? Rich, and he is a nice guy.

I knew there is a woman and yet I kept to myself. I did not tell anyone at all. I pretended I dont know. Is that the right way? Well, for any other circumstances, I would walk up to the man and talk to him. But for this case, I thought it was quite unfair to Klo. He loved her very much, I can tell. But now, things have gone the other way, and she was most to be blamed. I would love to see them together again.

Then beginning of this year, she told me that she suspected Klo of having an affair. All I did was to deny. I said no. She said it might be the previous girl. I told her no. Well, that I can be really sure, cause I have met his girl before. I felt so bad after that. I should have told her, but I didnt. I just didnt want things to get worse.

And we found out another friend having an affair. She asked me, "you think we are very bad that we dont tell her about this? we're good friends." Wow, the question directly aimed at me. I felt bad and the more she treats me good, the worse I felt. I always tell mr. that I want to keep myself away from this. I dont want to know anything about the girl or about them. Yes, mr. has stopped talking bout them to me, but somehow, informations just came shooting into me. Is silence really golden? Or should I just walk up and talk to him?

Case # 2 Shanti
This is a bigger case. They always say girls have sixth sense. I dont know bout others, but I do!!! I have longed suspected that Jone has an affair with Rine. And after that I was told that they do. What the F? She is almost older than him a decade. Anyway, last year also, Shanti came to me to complain about Jone, saying he spent too much time drinking and I agree to that.

And one fine day, both of them came to my house and they argued... Shanti found out that Jone had an affair. Oh dear, they argued and all... but she is still with him. She told me that they were planning for another baby.

I was really scratching my head. They just had a major argument and now she is telling me she wants a baby? First of all, fuck it. If I found out that mr. has an affair, too bad. I may or may not forgive him, but that has to depend on the next few months or maybe few years later. Whatever it is, dont even try to think about touching me again. But how can she still sleep with him and think of having another kid?

The biggest reason is that, she cannot live without him - literally. She will loose her spending power, her darn expensive bags, the luxuries of having a maid or even living in a dam big house. She dont want to risk any of her luxuries. Is this good or bad?

I know the girl. Should I or shouldnt I?

Jealous

Remember I have 3 buddies I categorised as my best.


These days Lynn & Jee have been really close these days, that I felt a little jealous. Sometimes I felt missed out. Should I feel this way? I know both of them treat me really good. I knew I was first in them compare to each other, but now I really dont know.

I dont know why I felt this way, am I insecure? I shouldnt, I know...

When is Enough?

I dont usually write from home, but today it's really bad. I needed to talk, but to no one. Not that I dont have any friends, but I just think it's a problem of my own.

I just dont know when I would stand up and tell him I want to be alone. Alone with my kids. I have had enough of him. Havent I gave in enough already? Havent I been the best wife already?
Everytime I go out, I am the earliest to leave, drink the least, zero flirting. And how often do I actually go out? I am pretty enough to get attention from guys, and yet I just ignore them. Cause I know I am a wife with 2 kids. Also, I am old enough to do what is right and what is wrong.

I could have walked away and signed the papers the last time we argued, and instead, I went for counselling and bought books of self improvement. Am I not good enough?

The moment I knew he got a job, I was the happiest. I bought him a notebook, I arranged for his cutleries and toiletries. And all I got was "can you put in a little effort to make me happy?" What the F***? I have always been pleasing people and now this is what I get?

Why should I be wasted with a man like him? I wish I can tell him that he doesnt deserve me at all and I really regret marrying him. This I knew it 8 years ago, and now this is really a confirmation of my regret. I stay with him for the sake of my kids. If it's not for my kids, I would have left long ago. I dont need him at all. I dont know what is the use of him actually. Having him is like not having him.

When we go out, he sits in a corner and not talk. He doesnt follow me to my friends and relatives' places. And he expects me to go with him to every function. WTF? He can go out partying when I am sick - dizzy and nausea. He expects me to take care of the kids and work in the office. And when he gets a cold, he expects me to be there for him 24/7.

There are millions of things that I would say about him. I just think he doesnt deserve me at all. And I really wish I can live a life without him.

Dr P

Well I was introduced to him last month I think. And I dont know why he left a really deep impression in me. I have been thinking of him a lot, which is quite funny. Why is this so? He is a year younger than mr.

i am getting crazy these days. always day dreaming, of him. nothing happened between us. i talked to him very little, but i know quite a lot about him. he was telling me how his life was. i have a feeling that he is attracted to me too. just a feeling.

actually i would love to know more about him. i just like him for being so sporty, so built.

mr. is not around these days. he finally got a job. a job far away which he has to travel every week. he will be away almost every weekday and comes back during the weekends. that leaves me more time to day dream. i kind of enjoyed the time being alone. i can do whatever i want, i can see whomever i want.

sometimes i would think, how nice it is to bump into dr.p. some coincidental incident. but why? what for? what happens next? you think i can just have a one night stand with him? no way, he knows mr.

or what about another affair? forget it. i just dont want to start all these rubbish again. i dont want to be hurt anymore. i'm too afraid and i will not risk my kids for my selfishness. but then again, no harm dreaming right?

sex with mr. has stopped. getting less and less again. are we going back to before? but i just dont want to do it. maybe i am having another person in mind? u think? bullshit. i dont even know what i am writing now. forget it...

i'll never stop dreaming...