there is something about songs...
everytime i listen to "you are not alone", i will think of ed. i just dont know why, and in fact i miss him a lot. there is something about him that i kind of like. all these years and still he is single and as playboy as ever (i guess).
the other day i met him in a restaurant. we talked, just a while. he always look at me in a certain way. his eyes seemed to be telling me he misses me a lot. well, i just think we, women has a sence of sensitivity. we know it, we really do.
now that micheal jackson is dead, the song keeps on playing - on radios, on tv, on my notebook. which is why i'm writing this now. i do miss him. sometimes i thought, it might be good to just come out for a drink and do some catching ups. not that i wanna start anything, it's just for old friends' sake.
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
Thursday, May 07, 2009
Therapy...
I called up the center yesterday to schedule a booking. I kind of felt weird. I didnt know how or what to say to the guy on the other line. It's kind of funny to tell a stranger you have a problem. Anyway after he told me the price, I hang up - nicely. What the hell? Paying 600 bucks for a session - to tell a total stranger my problems? That's total bullshit. I would rather have a friend sit in front of us, telling them our problems.
And after I reached home, had dinner with my family, I took my son for a walk in a bookstore. I put him in the kid's section. There I was strolling down the "self improvment" section. Another funny thing. Standing there, I feel myself kind of embarrass, searching for books to help improve myself. Do I really need these?
Books like, Relationship Rescue, Why Woman can read maps, Help!!!, Woman are from Venus, Men are from MArs. All these titles made me feel not alone. There were tonnes of books about rescueing a relationship, blah blah blah. That means I am not the only one who needed help. If there were so many books written about these, it only meant one thing - men are from mars & women from venus.
I finally took 2 books - Mars & Venus Together Forever & The Secrets of a Happily Married Woman. We left and I headed straight to bed, not to sleep but to start my Family Rescue 101. I read and read and read. Wow, it almost answered all my questions. And for just one night, I have actually finished half the book.
Then I realised... what men really are and what they really want. And suddenly I feel so much an idiot to have wasted so much time on something that is not there.
I do hope that this thing will help me and hope it's not too late. But I need his help too. I know this book will help, but will not totally change me now. I do need time. I need his help to make me a better wife and I know we will make it happen.
Wish US luck... cheers to better marriage
And after I reached home, had dinner with my family, I took my son for a walk in a bookstore. I put him in the kid's section. There I was strolling down the "self improvment" section. Another funny thing. Standing there, I feel myself kind of embarrass, searching for books to help improve myself. Do I really need these?
Books like, Relationship Rescue, Why Woman can read maps, Help!!!, Woman are from Venus, Men are from MArs. All these titles made me feel not alone. There were tonnes of books about rescueing a relationship, blah blah blah. That means I am not the only one who needed help. If there were so many books written about these, it only meant one thing - men are from mars & women from venus.
I finally took 2 books - Mars & Venus Together Forever & The Secrets of a Happily Married Woman. We left and I headed straight to bed, not to sleep but to start my Family Rescue 101. I read and read and read. Wow, it almost answered all my questions. And for just one night, I have actually finished half the book.
Then I realised... what men really are and what they really want. And suddenly I feel so much an idiot to have wasted so much time on something that is not there.
I do hope that this thing will help me and hope it's not too late. But I need his help too. I know this book will help, but will not totally change me now. I do need time. I need his help to make me a better wife and I know we will make it happen.
Wish US luck... cheers to better marriage
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Back to square 1
i think he knows me too well. he knows that i will not do anything to hurt my family. i think he knows i love my family too much. he is putting all the blame on me now. and this made me think twice.
am i really that bad a wife? or a person in general? if he has so much complaints about me, is there a reason for us to stay in this marriage? he said i always dig out his problems only when major arguments occur. i dont complain doesnt mean he has no faults. ok. maybe i tell him his problems at the wrong time, but why does he has to blame everything on me?
i know the problems really exist and i have not loved him back.
am i going to just sit on these problems and give in again?
i checked the psychologist center again. there is this thing called family therapy. should we both go? are there any better solutions?
i will give in for the last time and try to be a good wife. i'm giving myself 6 months, if things really doesnt work out, then i'm really gonna be out of here.
am i really that bad a wife? or a person in general? if he has so much complaints about me, is there a reason for us to stay in this marriage? he said i always dig out his problems only when major arguments occur. i dont complain doesnt mean he has no faults. ok. maybe i tell him his problems at the wrong time, but why does he has to blame everything on me?
i know the problems really exist and i have not loved him back.
am i going to just sit on these problems and give in again?
i checked the psychologist center again. there is this thing called family therapy. should we both go? are there any better solutions?
i will give in for the last time and try to be a good wife. i'm giving myself 6 months, if things really doesnt work out, then i'm really gonna be out of here.
Monday, May 04, 2009
Finally...
these days we had more arguments than usual. we would quarrel over small issues. everything he does is wrong, everything i did was against him. finally yesterday, he said, we should stay apart and think things over. all i replied was "good idea".
i was not at all sad. i was not worried. in fact i was actually planning for a holiday, but due to the swine virus, i might as well just stay home. this is really something i want. something i have waited for for the past 7 years. i wish i can renovate my house now and just move in, and live a life all by myself. i wish this would end just like that.
on the other hand, what i'm most worried are my family. how they would react, how would they feel, will they be sad. how will my kids be growing in a single parent family? will they be laughed at? will they turned bad? i was also thinking... can i really let these stop my life again?
i had, for the past 32 years, living a life worrying about people around me, caring for how they feel, putting their thoughts in front of mine. am i going to continue being like this for the rest of my life? staying in a marriage that i dont like. that argues all the time.
why do i have to be angry for him coming back late?
why do i have to be angry for him waking up at noon?
why do i have to be angry for him not doing anything?
isnt it better that i live my own life? a healthy life with my 2 beautiful kids? i come home from work to my great family, to see my 2 kids, to have dinner with my parents and siblings. so that my kids know what a healthy and normal family is. i hate it when my kids see their dad sleeping so late and waking up so late.
i dont need him. i have thought a lot. think and think and think... but i couldnt find a reason to stay. because i just do not need him. either than that petite cash he is giving me, what else has he given?
even without him in my life, i can still have the life i have. nothing is going to change. if there is, it's only something good. i dont have to argue with him, i dont need to raise my voice, i dont need to worry about another person. i am just doin everything i was doing.
and that's why they say, never let a woman to learn to be independant. i just dont need man.
i was not at all sad. i was not worried. in fact i was actually planning for a holiday, but due to the swine virus, i might as well just stay home. this is really something i want. something i have waited for for the past 7 years. i wish i can renovate my house now and just move in, and live a life all by myself. i wish this would end just like that.
on the other hand, what i'm most worried are my family. how they would react, how would they feel, will they be sad. how will my kids be growing in a single parent family? will they be laughed at? will they turned bad? i was also thinking... can i really let these stop my life again?
i had, for the past 32 years, living a life worrying about people around me, caring for how they feel, putting their thoughts in front of mine. am i going to continue being like this for the rest of my life? staying in a marriage that i dont like. that argues all the time.
why do i have to be angry for him coming back late?
why do i have to be angry for him waking up at noon?
why do i have to be angry for him not doing anything?
isnt it better that i live my own life? a healthy life with my 2 beautiful kids? i come home from work to my great family, to see my 2 kids, to have dinner with my parents and siblings. so that my kids know what a healthy and normal family is. i hate it when my kids see their dad sleeping so late and waking up so late.
i dont need him. i have thought a lot. think and think and think... but i couldnt find a reason to stay. because i just do not need him. either than that petite cash he is giving me, what else has he given?
even without him in my life, i can still have the life i have. nothing is going to change. if there is, it's only something good. i dont have to argue with him, i dont need to raise my voice, i dont need to worry about another person. i am just doin everything i was doing.
and that's why they say, never let a woman to learn to be independant. i just dont need man.
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
How Long More?
I just dont know how long more I can stand. I have been really tolerant all these years. I really dont know how else I can be. I just let him be who he is. I let him go where he wants to go. I allow him to do whatever he wants to do. I always believe that he is old enough to do what is right and able to judge what is wrong. He made a million in 2 weeks. He did not buy anything nice for me. He did not even bring me to a nice dinner. He did not plan to bring me for a holiday. I did not ask anything from him. I respect him, he said he needs those money for our kids. But he lost 2/3 of those. What have I got to say? What is this? He lost so much and yet, I did not ask one question, I did not scold. I did not throw my tantrums on him. I am just so disappointed. He always plans his trips with his friends but never with me. And when I say I wanna go out, he just ask why am I going so many places in a year or so. Why why why? I am just so fed up. He wakes up late, around noon. He goes out with his friends till late at night. Coming back at 1 or 2am is considered early for him. He cannot stay in the house. He complains that I dont bring my kids home to sleep, but when I do, he will leave the house as usual. So what is the point? He expects me to work, take care of the kids, do this, do that, do everything. He expects me to do all housework, and on the hand tells me that I should also support the family. So what is the use of having a husband? What is the use of having him when I can do everything on my own? I told myself... Please dont be too independant. If one day, I feel that I can do everything on my own and not need him, I might make rash decisions. This is not a life that I want. This is not a husband that I want. This is not a father I want for my kids. I'm just a simply lady. All I want is a normal home. A husband who works and love and care, a father who loves and play. I only want a family like my own. A husband like my dad or my brother. Am I asking for too much? Ok, he has been waking up rather late every weekday, so what is the problem with waking up early on weekends? To be with the kids, to bring us out. By the time he wakes up, it's already time for my kids to nap. Is this a family? I am still standing where I am for the sake of my kids. Really. And I know it's sad, but I have tried moving on. I really want to be home, but when he goes out and leaves me alone at home, I feel frustrated and mad. I would rather go back to my mum's house than to sleep alone. How am I suppose to live like this anymore?
My 3 Pals
I have 3 best friends. I know when we use the word best, it usually refers to only one, but who cares.
1) Gina (14 years)
I have actually known her for 14 years. Wow, of course she is my "bestest" buddy. Although we dont see each other very often, we are still best friends. We share everything. I love being with her and I can just do anything beside her. We went to college, then to pre-u, then all the way to Australia and then came back.
We go clubbing together, we dance together. We laughed, we smiled, we cried together. I missed her a lot cause she stays far far away and I only get to see her maybe 4-5 times a year. Sigh.
2) Lynn (12 years)
I always liked her, even before I knew her. Until we went to Australia only did I know her. Even then we were not that close. Just friends. Then when we came back from Australia, we became reall good friends. We started a business together, although it didnt work out, nothing came between us. The failure of the business didnt break our friendship.
We shared a lot. She was the first one whom I told about LOL. She was beside me all the while. I cried in front of her. We talked and shared a lot. We learn and taught each other a lot.
3) Jee (8 years)
We have a lot in common. We share the same surname, the same dialect. I dont share a lot of my personal stuff with her, but we do share other things. She sometimes can be really annoying but still I dont know why I treat her as my best friend. Maybe friends mean having to forgive and forget.
She is someone who will do anything to please you.
There you go, here are 3 of my best buddies. Just a simple something about them. And hopefully we will be friends forever.
1) Gina (14 years)
I have actually known her for 14 years. Wow, of course she is my "bestest" buddy. Although we dont see each other very often, we are still best friends. We share everything. I love being with her and I can just do anything beside her. We went to college, then to pre-u, then all the way to Australia and then came back.
We go clubbing together, we dance together. We laughed, we smiled, we cried together. I missed her a lot cause she stays far far away and I only get to see her maybe 4-5 times a year. Sigh.
2) Lynn (12 years)
I always liked her, even before I knew her. Until we went to Australia only did I know her. Even then we were not that close. Just friends. Then when we came back from Australia, we became reall good friends. We started a business together, although it didnt work out, nothing came between us. The failure of the business didnt break our friendship.
We shared a lot. She was the first one whom I told about LOL. She was beside me all the while. I cried in front of her. We talked and shared a lot. We learn and taught each other a lot.
3) Jee (8 years)
We have a lot in common. We share the same surname, the same dialect. I dont share a lot of my personal stuff with her, but we do share other things. She sometimes can be really annoying but still I dont know why I treat her as my best friend. Maybe friends mean having to forgive and forget.
She is someone who will do anything to please you.
There you go, here are 3 of my best buddies. Just a simple something about them. And hopefully we will be friends forever.
Friday, February 20, 2009
"MY"
I have been married for almost 7 years. And I just realised, I have never used the word "my" for anything or whoever on his family side. For example...
1) his mum - my husband's mother, mr's mother, his mother
2) his sister - my husand's sis, mr's sis, his sister
3) the house we used to live in with his parents - his house, mr's house, his mom's house
I have never used the phrases, "my mother in law, my sister in law, our house"
To come to think of it, is this right? I have been married for so many years and yet I still dont want to acknowledge them as related to me? Why is this so? Am I bad? Both him & I agree that I am a perfect daughter, the best sister, but when it comes to in law, I sucked. He always say that I dont love him, I dont treat his family like my own, I dont treat the house as a home.
Yes, I agree. I never liked 'that' house. Cause there was no privacy, people can just come in and 'search' my drawers and read my letters. Funny how they lived and funny they were brought up this way. I am not trying to criticise on how people raise a family, but I am just so annoyed at that time. How can I make that my home?
Till today, only did I realised I have never used MY in laws. Well, I guess I should, now. Since I am given a 'home' and I get to do what I like.
I have decided to build this feeling with mr. I have decided to make it happen, rather than letting it be like this forever.
1) his mum - my husband's mother, mr's mother, his mother
2) his sister - my husand's sis, mr's sis, his sister
3) the house we used to live in with his parents - his house, mr's house, his mom's house
I have never used the phrases, "my mother in law, my sister in law, our house"
To come to think of it, is this right? I have been married for so many years and yet I still dont want to acknowledge them as related to me? Why is this so? Am I bad? Both him & I agree that I am a perfect daughter, the best sister, but when it comes to in law, I sucked. He always say that I dont love him, I dont treat his family like my own, I dont treat the house as a home.
Yes, I agree. I never liked 'that' house. Cause there was no privacy, people can just come in and 'search' my drawers and read my letters. Funny how they lived and funny they were brought up this way. I am not trying to criticise on how people raise a family, but I am just so annoyed at that time. How can I make that my home?
Till today, only did I realised I have never used MY in laws. Well, I guess I should, now. Since I am given a 'home' and I get to do what I like.
I have decided to build this feeling with mr. I have decided to make it happen, rather than letting it be like this forever.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
it's that time again - when the skies turn grey, the rain starts to fall, the temperature suddenly drops. and here i am sitting in front of my notebook once again, feeling out of place. dont feel like talking, no mood for laughings. suddenly everything becomes wrong. this is not right, that is wrong.
how can i actually overcome these? why does this feeling comes without warnings?
"duh"
how can i actually overcome these? why does this feeling comes without warnings?
"duh"
Friday, December 26, 2008
Sad Xmas
I got my xmas present really early this year. But sad to say, it's something not good. On xmas eve, I got 20 missed calls from my uncle (who borrowed money form me). I purposely ignored his calls as I didnt know how to reject him.
This morning he called again. I spoke to him, told him I do not have money. I am struggling myself too. Anyway, he told me he will call me later to see if I can find the money. And then he called. I didnt answer, instead I called my aunty.
I was shocked. She told me on xmas eve, someone send him to her house and mum's to borrow money from them. Oh my god!!! Who the f*** is the guy? What if he is the loan shark? What if he comes back again? I am so worried now.
Mum is so old and she is always in the house with my 2 most precious. I cannot afford to have any of them hurt. I am really worried. He called again. i rejected again with a message:-
"i dont have money, dun call me anymore, i cant help"
"thank you for helping me. dun tell anyone that i call u"
"i'm sorry but i know mum & yi just gave you money. pls dont call them anymore pls dun disturb her, thank you"
"i will. i wont disturb them anymore. if i cant stand up on my own, i wont meet all the family members. i'm sorry. what i have done last time cause me to loose all my family members"
Sigh, again that made me felt bad. I really dont know what to do now. But I have made the decision to confront mum. I will let her know that he has called me and I have gave him money too.
This morning he called again. I spoke to him, told him I do not have money. I am struggling myself too. Anyway, he told me he will call me later to see if I can find the money. And then he called. I didnt answer, instead I called my aunty.
I was shocked. She told me on xmas eve, someone send him to her house and mum's to borrow money from them. Oh my god!!! Who the f*** is the guy? What if he is the loan shark? What if he comes back again? I am so worried now.
Mum is so old and she is always in the house with my 2 most precious. I cannot afford to have any of them hurt. I am really worried. He called again. i rejected again with a message:-
"i dont have money, dun call me anymore, i cant help"
"thank you for helping me. dun tell anyone that i call u"
"i'm sorry but i know mum & yi just gave you money. pls dont call them anymore pls dun disturb her, thank you"
"i will. i wont disturb them anymore. if i cant stand up on my own, i wont meet all the family members. i'm sorry. what i have done last time cause me to loose all my family members"
Sigh, again that made me felt bad. I really dont know what to do now. But I have made the decision to confront mum. I will let her know that he has called me and I have gave him money too.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
The 5th time
It has been raining a lot these days. Too much that it caused too many landslides, accidents and deaths. At times, I would rather not read the newspaper, rather not listen to the radio or watch the tv for news... It's too sad.
Anyway, it has been raining a lot and here I am seated in front of the computer not knowing what I should write. When I have totally gotten LOL out of my mind, there is nothing more to write about? That is hillarious. Is this blog really for unhappy stuffs only?
Cant I just blog about how great yesterday's massage was? Cant I just mentioned how sweet my dear boy is? Cant I just tell you all how mischevious my little girl is? Cant I just say how wonderful my life is now?
It's funny... really. In fact this is the 5th time I logged on and finally wrote something. For the past 4 times, I have actually signed in, hands on the keyboard - but ended up with a blank page. Logged off and continued with something else.
This morning while driving to work, I heard on the radio - divorce was the topic. And there were far too many callers. Why is this so? Why is it that everyone choose divorce over solving the problem? And to my surprise, the majority of people initiating divorce are wives. I guessed it's because women these days are more independant. They dont need men, they are able to support themselves. The new aged women believe in equal rights. I had the same thought. I wish I had the courage to stand up and tell him what I wanted.
But now, I am kind of happy that I didnt make such move...
Anyway, it has been raining a lot and here I am seated in front of the computer not knowing what I should write. When I have totally gotten LOL out of my mind, there is nothing more to write about? That is hillarious. Is this blog really for unhappy stuffs only?
Cant I just blog about how great yesterday's massage was? Cant I just mentioned how sweet my dear boy is? Cant I just tell you all how mischevious my little girl is? Cant I just say how wonderful my life is now?
It's funny... really. In fact this is the 5th time I logged on and finally wrote something. For the past 4 times, I have actually signed in, hands on the keyboard - but ended up with a blank page. Logged off and continued with something else.
This morning while driving to work, I heard on the radio - divorce was the topic. And there were far too many callers. Why is this so? Why is it that everyone choose divorce over solving the problem? And to my surprise, the majority of people initiating divorce are wives. I guessed it's because women these days are more independant. They dont need men, they are able to support themselves. The new aged women believe in equal rights. I had the same thought. I wish I had the courage to stand up and tell him what I wanted.
But now, I am kind of happy that I didnt make such move...
Thursday, December 04, 2008
Lazy, aint I?
Mr. went on a holiday, and today is the third day. Instead of going out to party or meeting up some friends or doing anything that I should have, I stayed home. I was with my family the past 3 days and enjoying it.
Wanted to meet up with some friends for a drink - too lazy. Wanted to go for a massage - too lazy. Wanted to go shopping and beautify myself - too lazy. Why? Am I too used to having a life like that? Am I only restrained to my own family? But, I am not at all complaining, nor am I bored. In fact I am happy as always.
I dont even bother about LOL anymore. I am so glad he is out of my life... finally.
Wanted to meet up with some friends for a drink - too lazy. Wanted to go for a massage - too lazy. Wanted to go shopping and beautify myself - too lazy. Why? Am I too used to having a life like that? Am I only restrained to my own family? But, I am not at all complaining, nor am I bored. In fact I am happy as always.
I dont even bother about LOL anymore. I am so glad he is out of my life... finally.
Friday, November 21, 2008
I Need to Talk
I really need to talk...
but dont know what I wanna talk about. About life? Isnt it boring?
I really want to try to lead a new life. A changed life, but it's impossible.
but dont know what I wanna talk about. About life? Isnt it boring?
I really want to try to lead a new life. A changed life, but it's impossible.
Finally it's Over
I still search for LOL in facebook. Still reads his "what are you doing right now". Just for the sake of knowing what he is doing...
Yesterday I searched him again and he wrote ...is going home to catch up with beloved wife.
Instead of feeling bad, I was ok. Does it mean I have finally gotten over with him? Does it mean it's finally over? I did gave it a thought, I wasnt wrong, I knew he was a great husband. I know he is a great father. Instead of being envious and jealous, I felt happy for him. I am glad that he finally found someone he loved.
So I really guess it's time for me to move on. It has been 8 years since I met him for the first time. It's a very long time indeed. I do think of him at times, but getting back together with him is a big NoNo.
Now I am just hoping that things get better between mr & me.
Yesterday I searched him again and he wrote ...is going home to catch up with beloved wife.
Instead of feeling bad, I was ok. Does it mean I have finally gotten over with him? Does it mean it's finally over? I did gave it a thought, I wasnt wrong, I knew he was a great husband. I know he is a great father. Instead of being envious and jealous, I felt happy for him. I am glad that he finally found someone he loved.
So I really guess it's time for me to move on. It has been 8 years since I met him for the first time. It's a very long time indeed. I do think of him at times, but getting back together with him is a big NoNo.
Now I am just hoping that things get better between mr & me.
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
A Loving Niece
i am sad. nothing to do with Mr. nor LOL this time.
i have an uncle (my mum's brother). he gambled and lost a hell lot of money. my mum and all aunties have helped him in all sorts of ways and finally the debt was settled. he lost his job and his family. everything was fine until yesterday.
out of the blue he called me. after 5 minutes of normal conversation, he finally asked if i have money to lend him. oh dear. i still remember when i was much younger, he always played with us and loved us a lot. he is the youngest sibling in the family so everyone loves him a lot. especially mum.
it hurts me so much to hear that. i know that he couldnt find money anywhere else. i was disappointed and he told me not to tell mum or dad. he doesnt want them to worry. i promised him cause i really dont want him to trouble mum anymore. mum worries a lot.
i met him and gave him the money. standing in front of him, i couldnt help but cried. i was sad and disappointed. i told him that this is my hard earned money and please dont used it to gamble. he said he doesnt gamble anymore.
i left and really hope he doesnt gamble anymore.
i have an uncle (my mum's brother). he gambled and lost a hell lot of money. my mum and all aunties have helped him in all sorts of ways and finally the debt was settled. he lost his job and his family. everything was fine until yesterday.
out of the blue he called me. after 5 minutes of normal conversation, he finally asked if i have money to lend him. oh dear. i still remember when i was much younger, he always played with us and loved us a lot. he is the youngest sibling in the family so everyone loves him a lot. especially mum.
it hurts me so much to hear that. i know that he couldnt find money anywhere else. i was disappointed and he told me not to tell mum or dad. he doesnt want them to worry. i promised him cause i really dont want him to trouble mum anymore. mum worries a lot.
i met him and gave him the money. standing in front of him, i couldnt help but cried. i was sad and disappointed. i told him that this is my hard earned money and please dont used it to gamble. he said he doesnt gamble anymore.
i left and really hope he doesnt gamble anymore.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Its' been quite a while
Last weekend I went for a wedding, where I met some of my old school mates. Didnt talk much with them though, knowing me. I am always like that. Wouldnt start a conversation, wouldnt walk up to them to talk.
Anyway, there he was sitting on the table next to mine. I always have a "good friend" feeling for Ed. He knows quite a lot about me. But since I have been married, we drifted apart and almost lost contact. We have bumped into each other while clubbing sometimes. But having a proper meal, sharing stuffs - no.
About 15 minutes before the dinner ended, aunt may came up to me...
AM : you see, he is wearing the bracelet you gave him
Me : no, i dont think so. it's another one
AM : it is. he told me the other day. he showed me the bracelet and said 'i still keep this, but wonder whether she keeps it or not'. u sure threw away, right?
Me : hmm... >_<
Then I kept wondering, is that really the one I gave him? Does he really still keeps it? If yes, why? Dont tell me he still likes me. Hard to believe. Well, not that I love him so much to want to find out. Just that I am curious. It's always nice to know that there is someone out there that likes you.
I almost forgot that I have actually given him a bracelet. And then many memories flashed through. I have never really loved him. I know he did, well, not too sure though, knowing him. Do you think he would actually love me? He loves everybody.
Many things between us has happened. He was first sat next to me in class. He then left for Singapore for further studies. He called me so often while he was away. He told me how sad he was there, and how much he misses me. He told people that he likes me. When he comes back, he will definitely look for me.
He went to London to visit his sister. He called me everyday when he was there. Then came back with so many presents for me. I went to pick him up from the airport. We went back to his house in TTDI. Nothing happened. I didnt slept with him. And I remembered him telling me, "I love you so much, why do you have to treat me like this?" when I started going out with Mr.
I remember sharing my problems with him, but didnt know when it ended.
Hmm... I just want to know.
Anyway, there he was sitting on the table next to mine. I always have a "good friend" feeling for Ed. He knows quite a lot about me. But since I have been married, we drifted apart and almost lost contact. We have bumped into each other while clubbing sometimes. But having a proper meal, sharing stuffs - no.
About 15 minutes before the dinner ended, aunt may came up to me...
AM : you see, he is wearing the bracelet you gave him
Me : no, i dont think so. it's another one
AM : it is. he told me the other day. he showed me the bracelet and said 'i still keep this, but wonder whether she keeps it or not'. u sure threw away, right?
Me : hmm... >_<
Then I kept wondering, is that really the one I gave him? Does he really still keeps it? If yes, why? Dont tell me he still likes me. Hard to believe. Well, not that I love him so much to want to find out. Just that I am curious. It's always nice to know that there is someone out there that likes you.
I almost forgot that I have actually given him a bracelet. And then many memories flashed through. I have never really loved him. I know he did, well, not too sure though, knowing him. Do you think he would actually love me? He loves everybody.
Many things between us has happened. He was first sat next to me in class. He then left for Singapore for further studies. He called me so often while he was away. He told me how sad he was there, and how much he misses me. He told people that he likes me. When he comes back, he will definitely look for me.
He went to London to visit his sister. He called me everyday when he was there. Then came back with so many presents for me. I went to pick him up from the airport. We went back to his house in TTDI. Nothing happened. I didnt slept with him. And I remembered him telling me, "I love you so much, why do you have to treat me like this?" when I started going out with Mr.
I remember sharing my problems with him, but didnt know when it ended.
Hmm... I just want to know.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
黄昏 - Dawn
sometimes i just hate listening to songs. it reminds me of so many things. it really digs out the deepest memories. that is why i have stopped listening to the songs that i have heard with him. all seemed so clear in mind. last night i bought "sex & the city". i have always loved this show. it taught me a lot of things, that i sometimes wished i had watched it earlier... then maybe i could have made a better decision.
i have always thought that Carrie will never end up with Big. but somehow they did. and Big emailed Carrie, his very last mail read "i know i screwed up, but i will always love you..."
at that very moment, i wanted to message LOL the exact words. but to think of it again, what's the use? why should i? why should i even care after what he said to me? how can i actually still have thoughts about him? what have i done so bad that made him say that 2 words to me?
i really wanted to send him a mail asking him why did i do that made him so mad at me. if it's because i changed my number, it's really stupid. he doesnt know what i have been through. he doesnt know what he had done to me - mentally. i now believe, what hurts most is not the phsyical part, it's the mental part.
bruises and cuts can heal. but the feelings and memory cannot...
i have always thought that Carrie will never end up with Big. but somehow they did. and Big emailed Carrie, his very last mail read "i know i screwed up, but i will always love you..."
at that very moment, i wanted to message LOL the exact words. but to think of it again, what's the use? why should i? why should i even care after what he said to me? how can i actually still have thoughts about him? what have i done so bad that made him say that 2 words to me?
i really wanted to send him a mail asking him why did i do that made him so mad at me. if it's because i changed my number, it's really stupid. he doesnt know what i have been through. he doesnt know what he had done to me - mentally. i now believe, what hurts most is not the phsyical part, it's the mental part.
bruises and cuts can heal. but the feelings and memory cannot...
Friday, July 25, 2008
Mr. went away
I dont know why every time Mr. leaves the counrty, I being alone, will try to find all ways to go out. But at the end of the day, will end up staying in the house with my 2 beautiful kids. Well...unless my best buddy is here. She lives miles away, 4 hours drive.
Anyway, mr. left on monday and I didnt go out mon, tues and wed. Gina came on wednesday night, we stayed home. Yesterday, we finally went out for a drink. We had a Mexican dinner then went to a club. In there, I was again so conscious. I drank quite a lot but not enough.
Carl still likes me a lot. I definitely have no feelings at all. Sometimes I dont understand why he would still like a married woman with 2 kids. Is this really love? Or just because he couldnt have me, he just couldnt let it go? But when I think deeper, I am doing the same, aint I? I still love LOL so much, despite all these bullshits!!!
I actually enjoyed a lot that Mr. is not around. Not only the party part which is just a small portion, but even with my daily life. I dont need to report to anyone, I can do whatever I want, in my own way, at my own pace. Is this a telltale sign asking me to leave? But dont I have all the telltales signs that I need?
Anyway, mr. left on monday and I didnt go out mon, tues and wed. Gina came on wednesday night, we stayed home. Yesterday, we finally went out for a drink. We had a Mexican dinner then went to a club. In there, I was again so conscious. I drank quite a lot but not enough.
Carl still likes me a lot. I definitely have no feelings at all. Sometimes I dont understand why he would still like a married woman with 2 kids. Is this really love? Or just because he couldnt have me, he just couldnt let it go? But when I think deeper, I am doing the same, aint I? I still love LOL so much, despite all these bullshits!!!
I actually enjoyed a lot that Mr. is not around. Not only the party part which is just a small portion, but even with my daily life. I dont need to report to anyone, I can do whatever I want, in my own way, at my own pace. Is this a telltale sign asking me to leave? But dont I have all the telltales signs that I need?
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Why Do I Still Care?
Why do I still care? Why do I blocked him in the facebook and yet search for him every once in a while? Why is it that I still want to know what is going on with him? Why is it that he has to limit his profile? Why is it that he blocked me from seeing him in facebook? Why why why?
Does this all matter? Why do I have to put myself at the bottom end when I have everything in first class now? I am really done with him. Thoroughly done...
Does this all matter? Why do I have to put myself at the bottom end when I have everything in first class now? I am really done with him. Thoroughly done...
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Theraphy
This morning I woke up and couldnt stop thinking how crazy I am. Living my life without S. How am I suppose to continue living like this? If I dont do anything, I will eventually end up being a single mom. Last night, he asked me what is the problem - is it mine or his? I also dont know. Before I slept, I asked myself why, I still couldnt find the answer. Not even to myself.
Is it really LOL? But he has long gone. I have kind of let him go and havent thought of him so much already. Why is this so?
About 15 minutes ago, I actually googled for "psychologist in malaysia". Am I really crazy? I visited Malaysia Psychology Center. They have a whole list of theraphies. I clicked on the "contact us" page. Then clicked back. I took the phone and dialled then hung up.
Why? Why? Why should I actually call them? Do you think I really need their help? Am I actually living in denial? This is so crazy. Forget it. I have a wonderful life. I need not any professional help in living a life. I know what I am doing.
Do I?
Is it really LOL? But he has long gone. I have kind of let him go and havent thought of him so much already. Why is this so?
About 15 minutes ago, I actually googled for "psychologist in malaysia". Am I really crazy? I visited Malaysia Psychology Center. They have a whole list of theraphies. I clicked on the "contact us" page. Then clicked back. I took the phone and dialled then hung up.
Why? Why? Why should I actually call them? Do you think I really need their help? Am I actually living in denial? This is so crazy. Forget it. I have a wonderful life. I need not any professional help in living a life. I know what I am doing.
Do I?
Monday, May 26, 2008
Let Go Yourself
Last weekend Mr. was not around. I went out with Carl & Gina. It has been such a long time since the 3 of us got together. I still remember times in Australia when we couldnt care less. We had happening weekends, sleepless nights and those were the days.
Anyway, we had a great dinner and then went to party. The crowd sucks but being with 2 best buddies makes everything better. We ordered a bottle of whiskey, then added 2 jugs of Long Island Tea. Still not enough to make us 3 drunk to the max. Anyway, we did enjoy. At the club, Carl asked how was I. I said I was ok, he told me he is really happy. For the past few years he has made a lot of money. I am happy for him.
3 of us had different lives.
Carl made a statement, saying that I hadnt let myself go enough. Now that my husband is not around, I still held back. I should be the one who is dead drunk and enjoyed to the fullest. Instead, I was the most sober one. Although, it's just a small statement, I dont know why for the past 3 days I have been thinking of this so much. I totally agree with him. Not only for that day, but for the past years that I have. I have been holding back even when I was alone in Australia.
I don't usually wear sleeveless or clothes that are too revealing. That day I wore a spagetti top. I felt really uneasy. Carl said I should be more daring. Why am I always having low self esteem, having no confidence in myself? Why? I really dont know. Even at this age, having 2 kids, I still find myself pretty, I think I am most beautiful now. Why? I still remember how LOL always encouraged me to have more confident. Well, he doesnt like me wearing too revealing, but he always thinks that I am pretty. Oh... just forget it. No point thinking of him, at all.
I really dont know why. I really wanna try to do something and not think of what others thought. I really need some time, where I do something and no need to care but what people say - even Mr.
Anyway, we had a great dinner and then went to party. The crowd sucks but being with 2 best buddies makes everything better. We ordered a bottle of whiskey, then added 2 jugs of Long Island Tea. Still not enough to make us 3 drunk to the max. Anyway, we did enjoy. At the club, Carl asked how was I. I said I was ok, he told me he is really happy. For the past few years he has made a lot of money. I am happy for him.
3 of us had different lives.
Carl made a statement, saying that I hadnt let myself go enough. Now that my husband is not around, I still held back. I should be the one who is dead drunk and enjoyed to the fullest. Instead, I was the most sober one. Although, it's just a small statement, I dont know why for the past 3 days I have been thinking of this so much. I totally agree with him. Not only for that day, but for the past years that I have. I have been holding back even when I was alone in Australia.
I don't usually wear sleeveless or clothes that are too revealing. That day I wore a spagetti top. I felt really uneasy. Carl said I should be more daring. Why am I always having low self esteem, having no confidence in myself? Why? I really dont know. Even at this age, having 2 kids, I still find myself pretty, I think I am most beautiful now. Why? I still remember how LOL always encouraged me to have more confident. Well, he doesnt like me wearing too revealing, but he always thinks that I am pretty. Oh... just forget it. No point thinking of him, at all.
I really dont know why. I really wanna try to do something and not think of what others thought. I really need some time, where I do something and no need to care but what people say - even Mr.
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