Dreams

Yesterday I dreamt of Ed. So much about him. Very intimate dream. Till now, I'm still thinking of it. It has been ages since I last saw him. I missed him though. In the middle of the dream, I woke, I really had the urge to pick the phone and send him an SMS saying that I miss him. Thank god I didnt. I dont want to start anything stupid again...

Trust No More

All these years I have trusted him so much. Wherever he goes, whatever he does, I dont ask. When I see him sad, I asked him to go out with his friends. He goes to nightclubs, I dont ask what he does. I told him that is trust.

Now I know he is not doing well, I saved with him. I dont spend much. Everything I want to buy, I would think twice. I went on holiday with my parents, I paid for myself. I sometimes sit and think, and feel bad for being parents who cant afford a good school for our kids.

All the above ended. Ended since last Friday.
I went home with my son like any other day. Make him do his homework and then played with him. When he was watching TV, I went over to the PC to check some mails and FB. When I opened, a funny page came up. A page where people advertise to look for activity partners. I know he is into watching porns on the web, but I didnt know of such sites where people look for sex. I was shocked, but calm.

So I clicked on the 'back' button. and it lead me to something worse. I had the shock of my life. It was gmail, not the ordinary account he used. It was a totally new account. And there it was an email from some girls. I cant remember the whole mail, but I can never forget the words like - I'm forty, average looking. meet me in xxx on Wednesday. My number is xxxxxxxxx. WTF!!!

I didnt know what to do. I just looked at the mail for a while and then went back to the other site. I typed the username (same as the gmail account) and found 3 advertisment..

Subject: Sugar Baby
Age: 40
Looking for: Activity partner
Self employed, chinese,

Willing to pay monthly allowance of 3k.

That really broke my heart.

I confronted him and he told me that he has no intention to meet them or even giving them the 3k.

If there is no intention, why would he wants to meet them, give them the real phone number? or even tell them he is an average guy? No intention would mean giving allowance of 8k, 6ft tall, looks like brad pitt, and a fake phone number.

The Songs

What made me open this page to write is this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jTWiEzpjuzo.

Things have been better. I am putting more effort into the marriage. Of course there are a lot of things in between. I sometimes feel great, and at times, sky just seemed darker. There are a lot of people out there that I know is having problems with their marriages. Is this happening everywhere?

Back to what brought me here... Everytime I listen to this song, it reminds me so much of him. In fact there are so many songs that just reminds me of him. He meant so much to me, I really wish that I can walk up to him to just talk to him. Well, yes, I did. I did try, but all I got was "i hope we dont talk". It hurt me so much, like a cut deep into my heart.

Why would he hate me so much? Why is he doing this to me when I have sacrificed so much for him? When I have wasted so much tears on him? When I have been missing him so much? Why is he so important to me? Can I talk to anyone about this at all anymore? Havent Lynn, Chyee and Gina heard enough of my sorrows for him? Who else can I talk to either than writing all I feel in here?

This feeling just keeps coming back...

Why Are We Talking about the Past?

Last night before I slept, I spoke to Lynn. Told her about what happened. We were talking and talking bout how stupid I am and all, then she asked me something, something I did not planned of hearing.

"Why didnt you choose the other chinese guy?"

I didnt know how to answer her. All I said was he's too far. She told me Melaka wasnt far. Somemore he was more handsome and criteria is much better. Yes I know, I knew it long before. But why? I still dont know why. I missed him so much and I still do. We were talking and talking about him then. She even found him on FB. I told her he is married with 2 beautiful daughters. And I even told her about the FB message that he sent me "it's better that we dont speak". She said I must have hurt him really badly. Yes I know...

And in the middle of the conversation, she asked, "wtf, why are we talking about the past? maybe we should plan the future now." I replied, "u r right, i'm still living in the past, maybe that's where the problems lie."

Ya, why am I still thinking of the past? Why do I still care about the "what ifs"? what's the point? why do I still wanna think of what will happen if I marry LOL? These thoughts are making me crazy.

But actually this problem that I have with Mr. is it really related to this? I have put LOL away long ago, or did I?

I'm really very fed up with him. Why doesnt he appreciate me more? I have given up such a great man for him, why cant he treasure me more? Why is he always talking about divorce? Or wanting a single life? What happens later? What will happen if I get back with him? I'm gonna be stuck like this forever? Things will all go back to square one, a predicted. Even Lynn said, I can tolerate. Nothing will happen, I will still be where I am.

That's really sad.

Again

Another argument. I just dont know what he wants. He is always showing me his black face and for all the years I have given in. I really cannot stand anymore. And for all the years, he has been telling me how bad I am, how bad my temper is, how inconsiderate I am, blah blah blah. If I have not been so considerate and calm, I would have argued with him every single day. Cause he just drives me nuts.

He said I dont sleep with him. Can't he notice that what he does turns me off? He always say I am fat, I am not pretty. Always say I'm old, and nobody wants me at all. Go out also aunty already. Yes I accept the fact that I am an aunty, a mother of 2, but he doesnt have to say it straight to my face. Moreover, I think I am still attractive, in a way.

ME: the man told me, your husband is so lucky
HE: Oh, u didnt tell him, u are luckier?

ME: u see my face, quite slim hor
HE: yala, but ur body is dam fat.

Yesterday, he said to have 3 months break, and I agreed.

Am Sad

I dont like the fact that Jee is getting closer to Lynn. Why is it that she is starting a business with her without my knowledge. I know Lynn will not do anything behind my back, or hide anything. Why is Jee doing this? This is bad. I introduced Lynn to her and she is taking all my friends away. She is getting closer to all of my friends. Why is this so?

The other day I did something she did to me. I asked her via sms why did she start something with my friend without telling me. And I know she knows I dont like it. Well, we shall see how.

And the fact that she tells everyone how bad Klo is, is making me feel even worse. She is the one who is flirting around and making Klo do things that he did and now she is blaming him for all the consequences.

I dont know why I have such feelings but I just cant help it. Well, maybe I'm feeling insecure. I should trust Lynn... What beats a 14-year friendship?

How many people?

It is sad that people actually remember your birthday through facebook. Because of the FB, I have like 50 wishes. Normally I dont, I just have that few closer ones who will sms me, wishing me a happy birthday.

So this year, I hide my birthdate from FB. I just want to know how many people actually remembers...

News just come by

I dont know why news just come flying to me on their own.

Jee
The other day, she showed me a mms from her phone, and I accidentally pressed a button and something I should not. It was an sms from someone I know, who calls her dear... Well I have only met him 3 times, and how have they gotten so closed? He is Lynn's friend, and I told her. She said he never called her dear. Funny, and it was something like, he couldnt meet her that night for dinner. Well...

Jee is a great girl, great friend. The only problem with her is, she wants to be everyone's best friend. She wants everyone to like her. So she will say all sorts of things to make someone hate another. That's very funny. But so far, I have not heard anything bad about me.

Shanti
Once bitten, twice shy. What is three times? She caught her husband red handed with the same woman. The same old f**king bitch. Dont understand why would he wanna be with someone older than the wife 10 years.

Gina
She has told me about her new beau. Not much, I only know that there is a he in her life. Until recently, she brought him out and we finally met. He is a great guy, I think. Out spoken, tall, smart. When she told me that he doesnt take pictures, I suspected, but didnt ask.

Then she told me he is married. And he is going through divorce... Again, do men always say things like that to get women? And do women really believe them? Well, maybe when you are in the situation, everything is different. Drown by love.

Sometimes I wonder, whether I am too clear... think too much, too smart? That got me into the situation I am now. Why do I have to care so much for others? Why do I even need to think about how others think? If I werent thinking that much, I would have been living in the historical city of Malaysia, in the arms of LOL and having our own kids.

Toleration

Today I had a little chat with Sheling. She just broke up with her boyfriend and told me how much she wanted a happy family. I know, I knew it from the beginning that she is someone just like me. Someone who loves to have a happy and healthy family. The day I got the news bout her divorce I was shocked. But then again, not everyone has the courage to walk out of a marriage... I'm one of them.

And that made me think... well, not because of this that I have such thoughts. It was all these months that made me really mad. I really dont know how long can I tolerate anymore. He is getting from bad to worse. Everything I do seem not right. Sometimes I think what the fuck... Why do I have to give in all the time?

He said that I throw my temper, I always show him a black face. Bloody shit, I have faced his black face for the past so many years. There are just so many things that I dont know how to tell. Everyone seemed to be enemy to him. Why is he like that?

Everytime he goes out, he shows a sour face. And then, he on the other hand says I am the bad one.

He doesnt fucking appreciate what I have done. I threw him a big party, and all he said is to give me a massage for my birthday. He says I'm very fat. I cannot go out with my friends. When I come home, he will show me shit face and say he doesnt mind I go out. What the fuck...

I really dont know how long more I can stand... For the kids sake, I will.

The Old Bag

I have kept a bag... a bag filled with notes. I jotted down every sms and email I had with LOL. All the letters and notes I have packed and sealed and kept them away. I didnt want to read any of them anymore. But why am I still keeping them? Isnt it easier to just throw them away. Why go through the hassle of packing and sealing and hiding them? I dont know.

Today, I dont know why I went to dig it out and .... yes, I read, not all, but enough to make my skies grey again. I have loved him so much. He too. I really did love him, I do. And reading through the notes made me realised how much pain I have been through. I went into depression and even tried to hurt myself, physically. I hide away from people, there were no smiles, no words.

And after reading the notes, I know why he didnt want to talk to me anymore.

Well, he really dont know the pain I went through. It's sad and it does hurt. When you gave so much for him and he doesnt want to talk to you anymore. That was what he felt when I cut off all connections with him. No contacts after I changed my number.

Yes, I know it was bad, but that was the best way for me to live my life. I cannot help thinking of him all the time. I havent talked to him for so long, and yet I still miss him and think of him so much. What if he still calls?

After reading those, I really have the urge of sending him another message...

Is it too late to be friends again? Or do I really want to be friends with him?
Like I have said before, I can be friends with all my exes, cause I dont love them as much as I love LOL. It's different. Forget it. I think it's just a feeling I cannot control. Hopefully it will pass...

WTF

Is he really in his mid life crisis now? I really dont know until when I can stand him. I really dont know how to live with him anymore. Every thing he does is ok, and when I do the same, he says I am wrong.

If he wants someone to just sit there and let he scold, he can forget about it. and he really is turning into his father, which is my worst nightmare. For god sake, we are in the 21st century now. I dont think he can find someone he wants in life.

For me, I am very simple. I just want someone who is caring and family oriented, which he has zero of. I really dont know when can this thing end. I am so fed up with him. I really think I dont need him at all. I can live a better life without him.

I drive my own car, fill my own gas, pay my own bills, take care of my kids alone. I do everything on my own. Even buying a bag, I have to lie. Why? Why cant I use my own money to buy my own bag? Why he can buy a fucking paintball gun for 4000 without even thinking about it?

Knowing Too Much...

I always asked myself, if one day I found out a friend's husband having an affair, should or shouldnt I tell? Well, a couple staying together, sharing the same bed, if I tell, at the end, I'll be the bad one.

First case...JEE
After the first separation 3 years ago, Jee made another wrong move... I thought everything was fine with them, after going on a great trip together, after lots of things. However, mid of last year, it all came back to square one. Klo suddenly msn me telling me that Jee is mad again. She wants a separation and wants to end things with Klo. He told me that it's very difficult to have to go through what happened 3 years ago. I felt for him. I know what he meant and I know it's really bad. He is an egoist, for him to talk to me about these - he is hurt, very.

So things went the way she wanted. They arent divorced, but they sleep in separate houses, see each other for the sake of the kids. I can feel that Klo is giving up. He no more says "my wife". He doesnt give much face to her anymore. There were no physical closeness there. Soon, I found out the Klo has another woman. Well, who wouldnt fall for him? Rich, and he is a nice guy.

I knew there is a woman and yet I kept to myself. I did not tell anyone at all. I pretended I dont know. Is that the right way? Well, for any other circumstances, I would walk up to the man and talk to him. But for this case, I thought it was quite unfair to Klo. He loved her very much, I can tell. But now, things have gone the other way, and she was most to be blamed. I would love to see them together again.

Then beginning of this year, she told me that she suspected Klo of having an affair. All I did was to deny. I said no. She said it might be the previous girl. I told her no. Well, that I can be really sure, cause I have met his girl before. I felt so bad after that. I should have told her, but I didnt. I just didnt want things to get worse.

And we found out another friend having an affair. She asked me, "you think we are very bad that we dont tell her about this? we're good friends." Wow, the question directly aimed at me. I felt bad and the more she treats me good, the worse I felt. I always tell mr. that I want to keep myself away from this. I dont want to know anything about the girl or about them. Yes, mr. has stopped talking bout them to me, but somehow, informations just came shooting into me. Is silence really golden? Or should I just walk up and talk to him?

Case # 2 Shanti
This is a bigger case. They always say girls have sixth sense. I dont know bout others, but I do!!! I have longed suspected that Jone has an affair with Rine. And after that I was told that they do. What the F? She is almost older than him a decade. Anyway, last year also, Shanti came to me to complain about Jone, saying he spent too much time drinking and I agree to that.

And one fine day, both of them came to my house and they argued... Shanti found out that Jone had an affair. Oh dear, they argued and all... but she is still with him. She told me that they were planning for another baby.

I was really scratching my head. They just had a major argument and now she is telling me she wants a baby? First of all, fuck it. If I found out that mr. has an affair, too bad. I may or may not forgive him, but that has to depend on the next few months or maybe few years later. Whatever it is, dont even try to think about touching me again. But how can she still sleep with him and think of having another kid?

The biggest reason is that, she cannot live without him - literally. She will loose her spending power, her darn expensive bags, the luxuries of having a maid or even living in a dam big house. She dont want to risk any of her luxuries. Is this good or bad?

I know the girl. Should I or shouldnt I?

Jealous

Remember I have 3 buddies I categorised as my best.


These days Lynn & Jee have been really close these days, that I felt a little jealous. Sometimes I felt missed out. Should I feel this way? I know both of them treat me really good. I knew I was first in them compare to each other, but now I really dont know.

I dont know why I felt this way, am I insecure? I shouldnt, I know...

When is Enough?

I dont usually write from home, but today it's really bad. I needed to talk, but to no one. Not that I dont have any friends, but I just think it's a problem of my own.

I just dont know when I would stand up and tell him I want to be alone. Alone with my kids. I have had enough of him. Havent I gave in enough already? Havent I been the best wife already?
Everytime I go out, I am the earliest to leave, drink the least, zero flirting. And how often do I actually go out? I am pretty enough to get attention from guys, and yet I just ignore them. Cause I know I am a wife with 2 kids. Also, I am old enough to do what is right and what is wrong.

I could have walked away and signed the papers the last time we argued, and instead, I went for counselling and bought books of self improvement. Am I not good enough?

The moment I knew he got a job, I was the happiest. I bought him a notebook, I arranged for his cutleries and toiletries. And all I got was "can you put in a little effort to make me happy?" What the F***? I have always been pleasing people and now this is what I get?

Why should I be wasted with a man like him? I wish I can tell him that he doesnt deserve me at all and I really regret marrying him. This I knew it 8 years ago, and now this is really a confirmation of my regret. I stay with him for the sake of my kids. If it's not for my kids, I would have left long ago. I dont need him at all. I dont know what is the use of him actually. Having him is like not having him.

When we go out, he sits in a corner and not talk. He doesnt follow me to my friends and relatives' places. And he expects me to go with him to every function. WTF? He can go out partying when I am sick - dizzy and nausea. He expects me to take care of the kids and work in the office. And when he gets a cold, he expects me to be there for him 24/7.

There are millions of things that I would say about him. I just think he doesnt deserve me at all. And I really wish I can live a life without him.

Dr P

Well I was introduced to him last month I think. And I dont know why he left a really deep impression in me. I have been thinking of him a lot, which is quite funny. Why is this so? He is a year younger than mr.

i am getting crazy these days. always day dreaming, of him. nothing happened between us. i talked to him very little, but i know quite a lot about him. he was telling me how his life was. i have a feeling that he is attracted to me too. just a feeling.

actually i would love to know more about him. i just like him for being so sporty, so built.

mr. is not around these days. he finally got a job. a job far away which he has to travel every week. he will be away almost every weekday and comes back during the weekends. that leaves me more time to day dream. i kind of enjoyed the time being alone. i can do whatever i want, i can see whomever i want.

sometimes i would think, how nice it is to bump into dr.p. some coincidental incident. but why? what for? what happens next? you think i can just have a one night stand with him? no way, he knows mr.

or what about another affair? forget it. i just dont want to start all these rubbish again. i dont want to be hurt anymore. i'm too afraid and i will not risk my kids for my selfishness. but then again, no harm dreaming right?

sex with mr. has stopped. getting less and less again. are we going back to before? but i just dont want to do it. maybe i am having another person in mind? u think? bullshit. i dont even know what i am writing now. forget it...

i'll never stop dreaming...

Scared

Since the last post of my marriage therapy, I have not mentioned about it. How it went, what happened, was it right or wrong, good or bad?

Well, the past 3 months went on really well. We have been good, learning to give and take. I have been really patient, he too. We had sex, finally. It wasnt that bad, it was good actually. For that 3 months, we did more than we had for the last 7 years of our marriage.

Anyway, this 2 days, the feeling suddenly disappear again. I suddenly felt like 4 months ago, before the therapy books, before the argument, before giving in and all. I avoided sex, I felt annoying again. Why is this so? I thought I have fully left everything behind and started all over again. But how come it's coming back? I'm so scared.

Is this going to be like this forever? Once in a while it comes back? The last 3 months was good. I had a normal married life.

I'm so scared.

You Are Not Alone

there is something about songs...

everytime i listen to "you are not alone", i will think of ed. i just dont know why, and in fact i miss him a lot. there is something about him that i kind of like. all these years and still he is single and as playboy as ever (i guess).

the other day i met him in a restaurant. we talked, just a while. he always look at me in a certain way. his eyes seemed to be telling me he misses me a lot. well, i just think we, women has a sence of sensitivity. we know it, we really do.

now that micheal jackson is dead, the song keeps on playing - on radios, on tv, on my notebook. which is why i'm writing this now. i do miss him. sometimes i thought, it might be good to just come out for a drink and do some catching ups. not that i wanna start anything, it's just for old friends' sake.

Therapy...

I called up the center yesterday to schedule a booking. I kind of felt weird. I didnt know how or what to say to the guy on the other line. It's kind of funny to tell a stranger you have a problem. Anyway after he told me the price, I hang up - nicely. What the hell? Paying 600 bucks for a session - to tell a total stranger my problems? That's total bullshit. I would rather have a friend sit in front of us, telling them our problems.

And after I reached home, had dinner with my family, I took my son for a walk in a bookstore. I put him in the kid's section. There I was strolling down the "self improvment" section. Another funny thing. Standing there, I feel myself kind of embarrass, searching for books to help improve myself. Do I really need these?

Books like, Relationship Rescue, Why Woman can read maps, Help!!!, Woman are from Venus, Men are from MArs. All these titles made me feel not alone. There were tonnes of books about rescueing a relationship, blah blah blah. That means I am not the only one who needed help. If there were so many books written about these, it only meant one thing - men are from mars & women from venus.

I finally took 2 books - Mars & Venus Together Forever & The Secrets of a Happily Married Woman. We left and I headed straight to bed, not to sleep but to start my Family Rescue 101. I read and read and read. Wow, it almost answered all my questions. And for just one night, I have actually finished half the book.

Then I realised... what men really are and what they really want. And suddenly I feel so much an idiot to have wasted so much time on something that is not there.

I do hope that this thing will help me and hope it's not too late. But I need his help too. I know this book will help, but will not totally change me now. I do need time. I need his help to make me a better wife and I know we will make it happen.

Wish US luck... cheers to better marriage

Back to square 1

i think he knows me too well. he knows that i will not do anything to hurt my family. i think he knows i love my family too much. he is putting all the blame on me now. and this made me think twice.

am i really that bad a wife? or a person in general? if he has so much complaints about me, is there a reason for us to stay in this marriage? he said i always dig out his problems only when major arguments occur. i dont complain doesnt mean he has no faults. ok. maybe i tell him his problems at the wrong time, but why does he has to blame everything on me?

i know the problems really exist and i have not loved him back.

am i going to just sit on these problems and give in again?

i checked the psychologist center again. there is this thing called family therapy. should we both go? are there any better solutions?

i will give in for the last time and try to be a good wife. i'm giving myself 6 months, if things really doesnt work out, then i'm really gonna be out of here.

Finally...

these days we had more arguments than usual. we would quarrel over small issues. everything he does is wrong, everything i did was against him. finally yesterday, he said, we should stay apart and think things over. all i replied was "good idea".

i was not at all sad. i was not worried. in fact i was actually planning for a holiday, but due to the swine virus, i might as well just stay home. this is really something i want. something i have waited for for the past 7 years. i wish i can renovate my house now and just move in, and live a life all by myself. i wish this would end just like that.

on the other hand, what i'm most worried are my family. how they would react, how would they feel, will they be sad. how will my kids be growing in a single parent family? will they be laughed at? will they turned bad? i was also thinking... can i really let these stop my life again?

i had, for the past 32 years, living a life worrying about people around me, caring for how they feel, putting their thoughts in front of mine. am i going to continue being like this for the rest of my life? staying in a marriage that i dont like. that argues all the time.

why do i have to be angry for him coming back late?
why do i have to be angry for him waking up at noon?
why do i have to be angry for him not doing anything?

isnt it better that i live my own life? a healthy life with my 2 beautiful kids? i come home from work to my great family, to see my 2 kids, to have dinner with my parents and siblings. so that my kids know what a healthy and normal family is. i hate it when my kids see their dad sleeping so late and waking up so late.

i dont need him. i have thought a lot. think and think and think... but i couldnt find a reason to stay. because i just do not need him. either than that petite cash he is giving me, what else has he given?

even without him in my life, i can still have the life i have. nothing is going to change. if there is, it's only something good. i dont have to argue with him, i dont need to raise my voice, i dont need to worry about another person. i am just doin everything i was doing.

and that's why they say, never let a woman to learn to be independant. i just dont need man.