How True Can It Be?

I always tell myself that I have let LOL go, I will not sacrifice my kids to be LOL, I will not do anything to hurt anyone jsut to be with LOL again. But how true are these? Can I be that definite? How sure I am?

Yesterday I thought to myself. Will I? Can I? I cannot assure myself the letting go of LOL. If one day in the future, LOL comes back to look for me what will I do? Can I still be this determine to just be friends with him and nothing else? He has a very big part in my heart and he still has. I will never ever forget this man.

Having my son is the biggest determination I have against being with him ever again. But when the reality really comes, can I conquer my feelings? Can I drown all my feelings for him and stay friends?

Jee is having problems with Klo. I think they are in the midst of getting divorce. I was quite sure that the root of this is an affair - and it's Jee's. She has never mentioned to me about a third party, but I thought, the only reason a woman can be that harsh to leave the husband is only for another man. Those miscommunications, lack of understanding, love & care are all bullshits. For a woman to actually leave the family, it's only LOVE.

What she is going through, I have went through them. Depressions, arguments, etc etc. I had depression when I couldnt be with LOL. I knew it but no one else did. I had thought of suiciding, I had thought of hurting myself. But thank god, I found the sense that told me not to.

I have been through all these and now I am where I am. Married with 2 kids.
Mr is not the husband I want. I have not change that thinking. But still for the sake of my own family and my precious kids, I am still where I am.

I am someone who loves attention. He never shows. I am someone who puts family in the first place, he puts money. I have not been cuddled, not been kissed, not been hold for so long. And having sex was just for the sake of having kids. No making love. Sometimes I really miss the feeling of making love with the person I love.

Happy Birthday

It has been quite a while since I last wrote anything. Today is his birthday, I miss him a lot. Well, I do miss him like any other day. It's just that today is his birthday, and yet I couldn't celebrate with him, I couldn't buy him a present, I couldn't call him to wish him, neither can I sms him. This is bad...

A lot of things happened these days. Not to me though. To some of my friends. A lot of people are talking about divorcing. Why is this so? Is it because all my friends, have reached the age that they can support themselves? Or is there a third party involved?

I have been through every step that they have. But somehow, I'm still where I am now. As I have said a lot of time, we need courage to walk out of a marriage. Maybe I just hadn't enough to do so.

If you asked me again, at this very point in time, I will not. There is nothing in this world that can make me sacrifice my dearest child...

Responsibility

I have been thinking again these days. Why is there so much difference in between man and woman? Why is it possible that these 2 can live together?

It really isnt that easy. I have friends with kids - some divorced, some in the progress of divorcing, some have even moved out of the house. Why are these people so irresponsible? Yes I know that staying in a marriage for the sake of the children are stupid, but isn't that part of the responsibility of a parent?

If you are not ready to take such sacrifice, why in the first place did you ever make the decision to bring them to earth? For me, I have been through a lot, more than I've expected.

As I have mentioned earlier, my life is one straight line, one open book. There will never be anything out of the ordinary. I was born to this world, I learn to walk, I run, I jump, I climb, I go to school, I work, I marry, I have kids, I fall sick & I die. That's any ordinary person's life. That's me. There will never be divorce in my life. There will never be anything bad or extraordinary in my life.

I love my son. And there is nothing in this world that can ever take his place - not even LOL.

Dream

Today I woke up late for work. Why?

I was dreaming. I was too involved in the dream. Yes, I was dreaming of LOL. We met up somewhere in Australia. Somehow, I needed to spend a night in his apartment. Nothing happened. I was just lying beside his bed looking at him sleep. In the dream, he told me he has a girlfriend back home. And I can feel the he still loves me.

You must be thinking I'm mad, well, maybe I am. But the feeling was so real. It was as if we were really together. The feeling was so great, it's exactly how I felt when I was with him. At one point in time, I wish I would never wake up. That is the only time and place where I can be so close to LOL.

Sometimes I wonder, why can't we control a dream? If I can do whatever I want in dreams, I would have went over and hugged him so tight. I would have touch every part of him again. I would run into his arms to feel the warmth again...

But then again, it's just a dream...

Sadness Continues

Just the other, Gina told me she was feeling really down. Does this happen to everyone? Do you out there feel depress once in a while? I do, and I totally understand how Gina felt.

This depressing feeling haunted me for the past 3 years or more. But somehow I have gotten over it. Well, not really, but at least I managed to collect myself and put the pieces of me together again. At one point, I thought I lost myself. Those big pieces were still there, but those small tiny once were blown away, flew together with the wind.

Sometimes I really dont want to say all these, making this blog a depressing one. I cant help it, since young, I loved writing. Whenever I am sad or depress or have thoughts, I will pen it down on paper. Well, knowing the growing technologies, I am typing instead.

Going back to the point, I am trying my very best to stay happy. I have put myself in Mr.'s shoes. I definitely had. I know he is a great guy. Am I asking for too much? I really dont know. I always have this feeling in me, which made me think that I deserve someone better, much better. Someone like LOL.

I still miss him so much. I miss his kisses, miss his touch, miss his hugs, miss his voice, miss his breathe. Will I ever see him again? If I do, what should I do? How should I react? I really want to know how he is now, but I'm too afraid to find out if he is married. I know I sound really selfish, but seriously, I'm not. And I wish I was, then I would have let everything else go, and be with LOL...

What Have I Done?

What is it in a marriage? I have asked and answered this so many times. Somehow, it just won't go into my head.

Mr. & I have been through so many things. The affair, the depression, almost everything. And I am where I am now. Married for 3 1/2 years, with a pretty boy. Why is it that we have been through so much, but when it comes to intimacy, it's zero?

Does this mean I have not gotten over it yet? Does this mean I still want to be with LOL? Does it mean I love Mr. no more? I am so afraid. Today, I have 2 friends saying that they have problems with their marriage, and have thought of divorcing.

Then again I thought, I have been through what they are going through now, but why am I here? Why can't I be firm enough to want what I want? If I was them, I would have been divorced 3 years ago.

That's me, that is just so me. Everyone who knows me, knows that I will sit in silence. I will not do anything that's out of ordinary. Why is this so? Why can't I just stand up for my own rights? Sometimes, I really feel sad for what I daren't do.

Depression

Just now, jee told me she was having depression. She is having problems with her husband. This kind of triggered me. The thought of my depression came back.

It was during the days when LOL & I separated. I was thinking so much that I had gone into the stage of depression. The things that I have done:-

• stayed in the office until late
• didn't speak to mr. at all (just one word conversation)
• went straight to bed, when reach home
• cry out loud suddenly
• try to stay alone all the time
• thought of cutting my own wrist
• thought of taking lots of sleeping pills
• thought of running away from home
• etc etc

Wow, and thank god I am where I am now. Thanks to my family. I have said a million times, they are my motivation to live on. If not for them, I would have be dead. But at that point in time, there was no one, no single soul who knows that I was in depression. Not even Lynn, Gina or Chyee. I told no soul. Well, that's one of the signs of depression - staying away.

The Distance

Just now in the car, I was listening to this song. I dont know the title or who sang it, but it just sounded nice. I listened to the lyrics and it got me into doing some thinking.

There was one verse "the furthest distance between 2 person is not life or death, it's when you sit opposite someone you love knowing you cannot have him/her". Another, "no matter how much we study, how high our education level is, we still cannot define the real meaning of love".

And that is so true. School doesnt teach us meaning of love. Love is something you have to go out and find it yourself. Sometimes if you are lucky, you'll find it very soon. At times, you just sit and wonder where the hell it is.

That was what I told LOL. Sitting opposite him and not being able to hold him or tell him I love him is so hurting. That is why I never dare to see him again. I dont have the courage to see him in his eyes and talk to him like any other person. He is someone I love so much, I cannot just treat him like a friend. I know he will not agree with me on this. But I am just who I am. I cant. And that is the biggest reason why I didnt give him my new number.

Is there anyone out there who knows the real meaning?

Dreams

Last night I dreamt of LOL. There is a saying that you will dream of that someone if he misses you. Well, does it mean that he only miss me once in a blue moon? Does it mean that he dreams of me everyday?

How can I get his out of me totally? I know I have made up my mind about giving up on this relationship and to stop thinking of him, but I am just any other human. I have feelings, I have heart, I have a mind. How can I let him go just like that? It's impossible.

Now I can control my feelings, my mind. I certainly have no control of my heart. Sometimes when you're in love, you should just go with the flow, you cannot be too alert. When it's suppose to happen, it'll happen. There is no need to purposely change or whatsoever.

There are times that I really would like to drive up to him, to just get a hug. Love is just so strange. Is there anyone in life who can live without being love? Like I have said, we are human. Not only women, but men needs to be cuddled, needs to be loved, needs to be pampered. No matter how old we are, there is a child in us. We are just like babies, waiting to be hugged and kissed and loved.

I Need Therapy

I want to have sex. I really do. If you asked me when was the last time I had sex, I cannot answer you because I cannot even recall. I was trying so hard yesterday to think when was the last, but I still cant remember. It was just too long ago.

Do you think I am psychotic? I have a man sleeping next to me every night but I cannot get myself to even touch him. Deep in me, I need him. But somehow, there is a tiny bit in my head that pulled me away. I truly believe I am psycho.

I think I need some kind of therapy or something, which Lynn agrees to. She also thinks that I am crazy to live without sex for this long. Wow, according to Charlotte in Sex and the City, I am re-virginated.

Is it because of that small little words that LOL said? "How can you make love out of obligation? That's so sad." But am I having sex out of obligation? Or is this purely a necessity in life? Well, there are so many men & women out there having one night stands. They don't even know who the hell they slept with after they wake up. They simply needed to be fulfilled.

To come to think of it, maybe having sex with someone you don't know, makes it better, at least you know it's not an obligation.

Admiration

Why haven't I wrote anything lately? Does this mean that I am happy already? No worries means no need to write?

Something like that. I have gave in a lot. I made up my mind, "what the heck? why am I wasting so much time on something that will never work out?" I am 29 and with a kid now. I dont want to waste time no more. I would have had more children if I chose LOL. But now that the decision had been made, I am married, I want another baby. It's really unfair to Mr. as well as myself to have LOL in our lives, or should I say in my life.

Well, I still love LOL, I still care, he is still in my heart, but that is only in the imaginary world. In reality, I am a happily married mother of one.

These days have been better. I felt more like a family. I have treated Mr. better than before. I have told him that I am ready for another kid, which I really am.

Sometimes, I would still wander. I would sit and think of times with LOL. I admire him a lot. He is tall, big, cute. Being with him, I can feel the sense of security. I was thinking to myself the other day. Have I ever admire Mr.? And the answer was no. I have not been attracted to his looks at all. What has he that had captured my heart? I really dont know. There are so many guys in my life, but there was no one that made me leave Mr.

The closest was LOL, and I really still do love him.

The Husband

Yesterday while I was driving back from work, I thought, what is it in a man that we ladies look for? What has it got to take to be a husband?

What criteria is important? Brains vs looks. Let's put it this way, it's definitely not easy to find a man with both of these. To be frank I actually found one, which I let him go. Yes, he is LOL. I don't know why, I always admire him. He doesn't have the hunk look, but once you see him, you like him. He has a decent look. Am I being bias or something? I truly think he is kinda cute, although Lynn and Gina said he is just okay. I have this thing for tall guys. He is 6ft1in. Wow, that's really tall. I love it when he hugs me, he gives me a sense of security. He is clever, he really is. He is a chartered accountant, scoring 2nd highest during his time. He is a freelance lecturer fo CA too. He knows the world well. And I truly admire him.

As for Mr., he only has the brains - no height, no looks. He is taller than me, but most people think he is not. He is smart. He has taught me a lot, but being so much older than me, obviously he knows more. Now that I've grown older, I know a lot myself.

What about caring, understanding, loving? Does this comes in a package? I think it's under the optional side. And I don't think many men has these, or should I say, for ladies, there will never be enough of those.

Sometimes I would sit and wonder why has god created man and woman so differently. Is this some kind of test for human? For the past so many years, men and women learnt to live together. So is it really that difficult for me to learn to live with Mr?

1) The looks, appearance
2) brains
3)

Memories Brought Back

Sometimes I wish I can write while driving. Everytime when I drive, memories & thoughts keep coming in. I think it must be the songs I listen to and the fact that I'm alone. I once told someone, that I cannot be left alone. I need company. It's quite funny how some people prefer to spend the rest of their lives alone.

Have you ever felt lonelier on rainy days? Does it make you sadder when the skies turn grey? Does some songs bring memories back to you? Have you ever smelled a scent that reminds you of someone? Does a short phrase or few words make you remember someone?

I have, I really do and I am very sensitive towards all this petty things. There are songs which I dare not hear anymore. Sometimes when I hear them playing, I would just switch them off. Why is this so? Are these things installed in our mind?

Are We Too Giving??

My bro is seeing a girl. A new girl in his life. Everytime when he is going after someone, I feel uneasy. Why is this so? Maybe because I am too attached to my family that I tend to be a little possessive at times. But this time, after a while, I realised I shouldn't as he is not young anymore and this girl seemed nice, from his description.

Anyway, I am writing this not to tell you how good or bad this lady is, but to tell you how giving we are. Does this run in the family? My brother has done so much for this new girl of his, even now that she is not his girlfriend yet. I was a little unhappy about what he is doing. If this girl falls for all these, can this be called love? Or is it just materialistic?

Then again I thought, I am not in that position to say this. I myself is like that. Thinking back again, I pamper my guys so much. I always make them feel wanted. I guessed guys always love being with me, because I am a nice and easy going person. I am trustworthy and honest. I don't pretend in front of others. I am who I am.

When I am in a relationship, I am always giving. I don't know why. I always put people ahead of me. Am I stupid? I remember Lynn telling me once that we are human, we should be selfish. I never learnt. Even though I know I don't love Mr. that much anymore, I still treat him well. I am afraid I might hurt him in some ways.

And I remembered LOL telling me, he loves to be pampered. Well, he sure knows who to find. I can be so pampering. There were so much restrictions when I was with LOL. I don't know why. Maybe at that point I was still shy. I am, and I am just being myself. I'm not hiding anything, it's just natural for me to feel shy in front of people.

I love him, I still do. And another regret was that I restricted myself from him. I bet if he sees more of me, there is no way he will let me go.

18-20th Centuries

I went to TTDI the other day. Went past 18-20th Centuries Restaurant and thought, so much has changed. Even the restaurant had moved. Why am I still looking back? Shouldn't I be moving on with my life? I already have a family and there is no way I am going to turn back. So why don't I make the fullest out of this? I know I am a wonderful wife and a great mother. Well, there is a saying - if you can't change, accept it.

I still remember LOL brought me there, he knows that I love antiques and old old stuffs. He knows me well enough. I loved the place. I remember we were sitting opposite each other, by the time we finished our meal, I was sharing his chair. Although it was too small, we both enjoyed the closeness.

Before we left the place, he asked whether I like it, I told him I loved it. And he said, "you don't bring anyone here ok, you can only come here with me." Yes, I kept my promise and till today I have not stepped into that restaurant.

Sometimes I wonder, why am I taking these words so seriously. I can just go in and dine and enjoy the food with anyone, whether it's Mr. or any friends. He wouldn't know and what if he does? Why? Why haven't I been in there? It's my heart that tells me to keep my distance from that place. I have made a promise to him, and I am just trying my best to fulfill it.

These are just petty things that a girl will keep in their head. Are we ladies always the weaker gender? Do men keep these thoughts in mind? Or do they just keep them in their hearts and not let them out?

It has been quite sometime since I last talk about LOL to anyone. Does this mean it has end? Does this mean I have moved on? If so, why am I still thinking of him? Can I get rid of him exclusively? No doubt it's difficult to move on with LOL still in me, but I will try. That's the only way out, only I can help myself. All I should focus on now is my family - anything else will just be memories, thoughts which is kept within me for lives!!!

Baby Boom

It's the time of the month again. It always comes, at least once a month. How can I actually stop this? How can I stop feeling this way? Well, I think of LOL every day, but once a month the feeling towards LOL is so strong that I really want to shout out the word - divorce. Sometimes I think I am too much, am I?

Or is it him that made me feel this way? I don't feel appreciated, at all. I have put in so much effort in my son and yet he still thinks I didn't teach him well. Hello, please look in the mirror. I felt so sad having him as the father of my son. He is definitely not the father I want for my son. He knows nuts about babies and families.

Actually I have made up my mind to have another baby. Again, it's merely because I think I want another one for myself. As I have mentioned again and again, I would have gave birth to more, if I married LOL. I love babies, I do. If I were to be with the one I love most, I would have given birth to more.

I hesistated again, after I had this feeling. So how am I supposed to live on? Can you actually have babies with the person you don't love?

A Night Out

Last weekend Gina came up and we met up with some guys from college. We reached there early and while waiting we talked bout our college days, which I cannot really recall what happened. Anyway, when the guys arrived, we did lots of catching up. There was this guy which was not from our college, just a guy (allan) which Cho & I tried to hook Gina up with.

When he first came in, he was looking at me, in fact he looked at me most of the time. Well, I told you before that I still find people checking me out. I guessed he must be thinking how come I an married.

Anyway, we went on with our dinner, and then went to a club next to the restaurant. We had 2 bottles with compliments of Cho & Allan. I can't seem to drink too much though. Does it mean that I am old for this? Or is it the whiskey that is making me sick? After I gave birth, I think I can't really drink whiskey, brandy is alright.

There in the club, I was thinking of LOL again. I was looking all around to see if I can see his face. Obviously chances were slim as he never go to these places.

A lot of times, while dancing I caught Cho looking at me. Does he really has feelings for me? Or am I being too sensitive here? For years that we have known each other, I have this feeling that he likes me, but he just didn't tell. Maybe he knows that I was with Mr. and didn't to do anything silly.

Do you think a married mother should still go out? Still go out and enjoy herself until late at night? Is there a problem doing so? Aren't we married woman human? We need a break at times too. So what is wrong with going out, as long you know what is right to be done. I am an adult, I am married with a beautiful boy. Do you think I would do anything to ruin my life? I will never do anything that would hurt my boy.

That is why, I told myself, if one day I were to be divorced, I will not get married. I am too afraid that the new other half will do something bad to my son. If he cannot accept my son, he don't deserve me.

Dilemma

Just the other day I got an sms from Gina. She told me that she is in a dilemma. Well, after talking to her for an hour, she really is. She is going out with a woman's husband. I will call him D. According to her, D's wife has moved out of the house and apparently D has brought the whole family to a disagreement.

I remembered 2 months ago when she called telling me about D. I told her to wait until everything is settled (ie, papers signed) before going any further. All this while she has not tell me anything, but knowing her for more than 10 years, I know something has began.

Anyway, too late to look back. She is my best buddy, I know it's not right to be in between a couple, but what is done has been done. My advise to her is that the guy will not divorce. Being in a marrige there are lots and lots of factors to be considered. It is definitely not just 2 people's problem, it is a family issue. Not to say, just walk out of a marriage.

I have been there, done that. I was so so in love with LOL, and still I am stuck here. Why? Because marriage is a responsibility bound by 2 people. And the family comes with the package. I am not saying there is no way out, but it is not easy.

I don't know how much D loves Gina, but from what she told me, I don't think it is that deep. I told Gina straight that he is making her a mistress. She cannot go on like that without a name. They go out as friends. He flirts in front of her, but when other guys talk to her, he gets angry. What on earth is this?

I told her I was in this dilemma 3 years ago, just that we exchanged position. I was the one who was married wanting to divorce. LOL told me to clear and settle everything before starting the relationship with him. He doesn't want to be named a love snatcher, which I totally understand. As in his situation / position, he is worth much more than this. It is all up to me, my life is in my own hands.

I come from a very decent family. All these years, my life, my family has been nice. Everything has been so smooth. No divorce, no fights, no nothing. I love my life. We, among cousins are so obedient, we have not done anything out of expectation. That was one of the reason I didn't choose to divorce. If I really did, not only will I be questioned, but my parents will be pressured as well. I hate to put my family into a difficult situation.

What is there in love? What is love? Can anyone really tell? Is it definable? Some people meet their first love, marry them and he will be the only love in her life. Others, go around sleeping with guys wanting love every night. Some married, but go out to find more love. There are people who doesn't mind sharing love with others.

Why are they so many kind of people on earth? And who is right? Who is wrong?

The Answer to The Question

Why did I make the decision to wear the ring? Why did I sign the papers? Why did I choose to be a Mrs?

These questions had haunted me for the past 3 years. I still cannot find the answer myself. Well, at that very moment, I thought no one was there for me anymore. He treated me fairly good. I have called LOL so many times asking for an answer. Still he told me, the time was not right. So being a girl with no more hope of love, what more can I do?

Somehow at that point, Mr. proposed. I wasnt going out with him then, but we still keep in touch. After he proposed, I called LOL. I asked if was it time yet. I didnt mention anything about the proposal. I know I should have, but I just couldnt bring myself to tell him the truth. So after his 'no entry' answer, I sort of gave up hope.

While deciding on my wedding night gown, I took out the cloth LOL bought me. I told Lynn that I will make a nice gown out of it. And she replied "Are you okay? This is LOL's cloth. You want to wear it for your wedding? Another man's gift to you? A man of your life?" Oh... then I realised I was wrong. I still have the cloth in my wardrobe now.....

I didnt tell much to either Lynn, Gina or Chyee about me having doubts about the wedding. I told no one. I kept it to myself. I thought I didnt want anyone to be troubled by my problems anymore. I should have and regretted, really. I didnt give out my invitations until almost the very last day. When I thought I have made a right decision it came out I was wrong. Not until I received the call from LOL.

That changed my life - forever. I know my life will not be the same, I can never turn back time.

How serious is LOL to me, I really dont know. One fine day, when I decide to give this to him, he might be sitting in one corner laughing at how stupid I am OR be so touched that I still have him in my heart. Which one would it be I really dont know. I, too want to know. Should I let him know what's in my heart all this years? Should I give him the link to this words of mine? If yes, when? Does it really matter now that I am married with a baby? What is the use of all this love and words and regrets when everything is already in place, when nothing can be changed?

Make It Happen

"make it happen woman! don't just wait for things to happen"

This is one comment I received. And it totally struck my mind. That was what LOL told me before. I told him I wish I was god, then I could have turned back time and do what I want. He assured me no one on earth could do so. I told him I wish I could be Mrs. LOL, have lil' LOL with him. He replied "make it happen, don't wait for things to come to you."

Are we human always sitting on problems instead of solving them? When do we have the courage to stand up for our rights? We only live once a life, why can't we be fair to ourselves? Why can't we be more selfish? Why do we still care what others think?

Is this how life should be? Going all the wrong ways? Or do we actually have a guide of how we should live? Isn't it better if we knew what would happen in the future? If I knew my married life is like this, I wouldn't have stepped into where I am now. All these is it because we think too much? If I were to be contended and love Mr. with all I could, would I still be in a position I don't want?

Tell me, how many people are contended? How many people out there live with no regrets? I dare to say NO!!!

If you can't change something, accept them....

Don't Judge A Book By Its Cover

There are so many unhappy couples out there, but how can we tell? Can anyone actually tell whether or not the family is happy? Are they faking everything?

As for me, I have a million and one issues in mind, or should I say in heart. People sees us (Mr. & I) as the perfect couple. We potray a nice family with everything. I know when to give in. I know what a woman should do. Men need their pride. No matter how bad this relationship is, I never show it in front of anyone. Am I wearing a mask myself? Why am I critizising others when I myself is faking the whole thing?

If that is the case, should I just ignore him? Should I not care what Mr. thinks, how he feels? Shouldn't I even leave some pride for him? I personally cannot do so. It's just me, I'm a person who puts others ahead of me. It matters more to me how they feel than myself. That was one of the biggest reason I didn't leave Mr. when LOL came.

People might think that I am crazy. Everything here is so contradicting, but seriously I don't want this to happen to. I love LOL very much, but on the other hand I was afraid it might hurt Mr. Sometimes, I really wish that I could be more self centered, more selfish.

I see so many people everyday, friends, passerbys, strangers... I would think to myself, are they happy? My answer is a definate NO. No matter how loving they were, problems do arise. All sorts of problems. I am not saying that everyone has an affair or has someone in their hearts. I am just refering to the problem at large. Not only love, but kids, money, in-laws, work, this and that.

When will all this end? Or is there an end to this? Can anyone tell???

Me

Well, for those who just happened to read my blog, I am married. I still am although I have someone else in my heart, my mind and my soul. Please do not ask why, as I have been searching for the answer for the past 6 years myself.

Writing this, refreshed my memory. I have known LOL for 6 years, I still remember I met him on 1st December 2000. On 15 December 2000, 1954hours, my phone rang and it was him. Why are these still fresh in my mind? Because he is the only guy I fell in love with the moment I saw him. For my previous 2 boyfriends (including Mr.), I grew to love them, but soon the love faded off.

There is no one man whom I have this feeling for. There are so many guys I have met. Usually it's them who will fall for me. I don't easily fall for guys. I guessed it's my character that they like. As I have mentioned before, I am a very out going girl. People feel comfortable being with me. They will just call me up to accompany them.

I am not a drop dead beautiful. I am pretty, well, a lot of my friends do think that I am pretty. One thing I am lacking is the confidence. I have low self esteem, maybe it's because Mr. always criticise me, saying I am fat and not pretty. (He feels insecured with me as he is not handsome). Chyee, Lynn & many others think that I deserve someone better.

I don't know what is in Mr. that made me be with him for so long. He is a self made millionaire at age of 30 or maybe 29 (I forgot), but that made no difference to me, as I spend my own money. I buy my own things, he doesn't give me pocket money. Even for our wedding, he bought me a 'less than half a carat' diamond. We didn't spend like any other millionaires. He doesn't seemed to care for me, paid no attention to me.

Why? Why? Why am I still stuck in this relationship? Is it the fear of change? The fear of starting everything all over again? The fear of adaption?

I cannot guarantee that LOL is what I want in a husband or even a father (of my son), but at the very least I love him. I believe that if I really loved him so much, I would have given in to a lot of things. Instead of being in a loveless marriage, waiting for the right day to arrive.

Just wonder - when will life ever go my way.

Who Cares?

What is wrong with ladies nowadays? Is it their problem or am I the extinct species? I have girlfriends who get so jealous over their boyfriends having a girl friend. They are so possesive and there fight over little things. Is that the way it should be? Am I being an asshole for saying this? For me, I have not been like that towards Mr. In fact, whatever he does or wherever he goes, I allow. I don't mind if he goes to the night clubs, pubs or wherever.

Is this trust or zero-love relationship? If the person is LOL, will I be possesive too? Is it bacause I don't love Mr. anymore, that I don't care where he goes or what he does?