The Affair

I'm listening to this song. It brought me back to the affair. It was just a few days after my wedding. He called me after maybe 2 years. Before the wedding I have called him millions of times asking for the 'thing' he wanted to tell me, but everytime the answer I get is 'It's not time yet'.

And he did kept his promise to tell me, but it was too late. He told me he loves me a lot and wanted me badly. I wish I can. I still remember we met in Coffee Bean outside my office. I called Chyee before meeting him. I was not at my best, as I was sick. She asked me to take an hour of leave to go to the salon and buy new clothes. When I saw him, my heart was pounding so hard, I was afraid it might jump out. We sat down, you asked what I wanted, as usual I said anything. I was so so nervous, it felt just like the first date.

When he came out with our drinks, only one word explains us - MAGIC. He ordered my favourite tes, chamomile tea. I've never told him or anyone before. Is this really coincidence? I don't know, but this is not the first time. He bought me 2 pieces of cloth which I loved so much without knowledge of me liking it. Anyway, we talked, very awkward. I love him. Sitting at the opposite chair is like killing me. I feel like sitting in his arms. We exchanged our good byes.

That period I was so confused. I just got married. I told my dad about it. I said I wanted to divorce. He was so calm. I don't blame him, which dad would want to see their precious daughter be in a situation like this. LOL called it off after one month. He thought it was not right. I know it was not right, but that is a feeling we both cannot hold back. He has changed from the day I knew him. He had learnt to like cantonese songs and tried speaking a few words.

At that time, I really wish I was god, to turn back time, at least back a month. At one point in time, I became suicidal too. I know this was wrong, but the feeling of not being with him was like a knife cut through my heart. He told me he would love it if I call or even meet up with him after this break. I told him never, I can never sit opposite him and not touch him, it will kill me.

Every Man's Woman

Yesterday I went to a "rich but not so famous's person's son's full moon. It was so nice. Looking at them made me thought, why was I sitting next to Mr. Well, although he is already a millionaire last 3 years at his 31st birthday, the style and the feel is different. The people sitting there are all multi-millionaires. And then I thought again, I should be living this. If I were to choose LOL, that's what I would be living. Not to mention the money, which is not the most important, but the lifestyle, the bringing up and others.

Mr's family was never what I expected, nothing like my family. What I want is well bringing up. The importance of family. I always know LOL as a great and loving father. I still remember he told me once, he played soccer with the children in the field outside his house, also how he loved his niece who asked him to hug her until she can't breathe. Sometimes, I looked at my son, wishing he was ours, wishing LOL was his father. I know Mr. is trying very hard to be a good father, but he never will be.

He asked me once "How do you know I'm a good father". I just know, it's woman's instinct. I should have learn from the family. They are what their family are. Mr's family is havoc. Not proper. Unlike LOL's, just look at his mum, so elegant and calm. LOL loves his mum, he shares everything with her and thinks she's the coolest mum on earth. They say a man always find a wife like their mum. Well, I'm like his mum. I can be the best wife and mother on earth.

I know LOL will appreciate me so much. Before I was always wondering, always afraid that LOL might not like who I am. I am so wrong, how can anyone not like me? Not self praise but I can assure that most of my guy friends fall in love with me, jsut talking to me. I'm not saying I am very pretty or attractive, it's the feeling and the talking. A lot of people find it comfortable talking to me. I'm just a normal girl with ordinary looks. Even Mr. knows a lot of his friends think me as a good wife.

All the wives out there has been talking about Gucci, LV, Prada, diamonds and stuffs. I never do that, not even when Mr has a lot for me. When we got married, he was earning RM35,000 a month and I didn't even ask for a carat diamond ring, I didn't buy any brandeds. I just thought it's a waste of money. But then again LOL said "If there is no one-carat diamond ring, he doesn't deserve you." At that point I know it's about how much the diamond's worth, but it's the love he has for you. And I know LOL loves me a lot and still does.

I still remember there was once I went missing on him for a week. He was so mad with me, and wanted to end everything. He told me, "You WERE so damn important to me." Tears rolled down my face and I felt so bad to have doubt his love. I know he still loves me, even until today. It's really sad that two people so much in love can only live in regret and shame....

Making Love vs Just Sex

I tend to think a lot in the car, why is it? I guess it's because of the songs played and being alone. So at times to avoid the thoughts, I would call anyone. Yesterday, like any other day, I called Carl. We talked and he told me he has not slept with his girlfriend for almost a year. Well, I'm not surprised. Since LOL, I've slept less than 20times in 5 years. They say if you have not have sex for a year, you are re-virginated. That makes me a virgin again. Cool.

I was wondering how am I suppose to live like this for the rest of my life? Can anyone live without sex? Not to mention the sex thing, I cannot even recall when was our last kiss or even hug. I do have the urge for sex but definately not with him. Although he is the only one I can do it with as he is my husband, I would rather go get a hot bath and cool everything down.

I remember Lynn asked me once whether I masturbate? I said no, in actual fact who on earth hasn't masturbate before? I'm always shy when talking about all these sex things. I have not changed in front of any of my friends before. Lynn always said that I'm weird and tend to tease me by stripping in front of me. Coming back to the masturbation, yes I do and everytime in mind is LOL. He once told me that making love to me is the best thing that has happened to him. This is not talking dirty, in fact I'm flattered. I enjoying love making with him also, and especially loved it when he asked if I've orgasm. I always thought men never care. All they want is ejaculation, they never care what woman want. That's why I always tell LOL, he makes me a woman.

It's raining so heavy now. Why is it that raining always seem sad? Is it because of the grey sky? Or the dripping sound of the rainfall? I'm sitting in front of my computer, listening to songs that digs all my memories out. Suddenly, my eyes filled with tears. I really missed LOL. Sometimes I would sit and think what have I gotten myself into? Why is this happening to a poor child like me? Just one wrong step and never can I look back. At times like this, I wish I'm in his arms. I love him.

Easier Said Than Done

The other day I got a message from Gina. The message read, "I think I really miss Nav a lot, and I hate myself being so. I felt so useless n life is meaningless. Y can't get over him?" I told her, I'm not in the position to advise, as I am not any better. How can the two best friends end up having love problems? I always tell her, she is better than me. She still can choose, whereas I'm already a mother.

I know how she feels. You may be strong at times, but there definately will be times when you miss him so much. I seemed to be over him, but sometimes, he's like right in front of me. How can I not miss him? If you have watched Sex & the City, you would know how Big affected Carrie. It's exactly how LOL affects me. According to Carrie, it goes down her skin. To me, it went downt he skin through my veins, carried by blood right into my heart.

We all have regrets in life. Most of the people I know regretted something in life. Chyee, Gina .... some got even more, others just denies it. Well, as for me, I do admit I regret. It's just life, there is nothing called perfect. Even saint makes mistakes. It's just a fact of realisation....

So Near Yet So Far

I just got back from Melaka. I've got this thing about Melaka. I've always loved this state, even before I knew LOL. I love those antiques. I would spend hours strolling along Jonker Walk. Looking at the antiques and enjoying the historical feel.

Oh, I was saying about the Melaka trip. When I reached the toll, a lot of memories came back. I was with Klo & Jee. Actually Klo reminds me a lot of LOL. Maybe they are from the same place. The way they talked and some words they used. I love & hate to see Klo. Seeing him makes me think of LOL more. I really wish I could be with him again, but as an adult, what has past has past. Let it be, and never look back.

I went somewhere near LOL's office. I really missed him. Every time I get onto the Seremban Highway, I would think, if I was with him, this is the route home. How nice. Why is it that we always regret in life? Although, I have not been to Melaka a lot of times, I can remember quite a number of places. I still remember he bringing me to a KFC Restaurant, and we always joke about this. Not that he doesn't want to bring me to better food, but we had our first time and by the time we finished, it was already late. No more restaurants opened. Anyway, those were the days.

I really wanted to call Melaka my home, why did I acted so childish before? Being in the same state, or might even be on the same street the whole weekend, and yet I can't see him or even give him a call. That's so sad. I think he must be really angry with me now, cause I have changed my number and didn't give him.

Love of My Life

I hadn't time to write much about him. It's always sad to write bout him, not to say he brings sad memories to me, but it's that everytime I write about him, my heart breaks and I'll shed tears for not being with the love of my life.

I still remember clearly how we met. I followed Chyee to Melaka. She has to meet with one of our clients then. Well, actually Chyee told me earlier that she wanted me to meet LOL. I was quite excited, although then I was dating Mr. We went in one car and when we reached Mahkota Parade, she called LOL's brother. They were late. So we went up to the food court to wait for them. When he came in, I was like, "This is my man" He's so tall and looked so polite. I know he thought the same too.

I was really disappointed when we left without exchanging numbers. I came home and first thing I called Lynn. She always thought I deserved someone better. She never liked me being with Mr. Lynn & Chyee think I'm pretty. And they don't understand why am I going out with someone with such a common face and short. Chyee told me she was shock when she first met Mr. She thought my boyfriend would look like hunk...

After 2 weeks, Chyee called, she said "Hey the other day Howe called. He asked for your number. I gave him and he asked whether you are dating or not. I said I don't know, we are not that close." Well I was glad, and from that day on, I was waiting and longing for his call.

And on the 15 December 2000 1954hours, my phone rang and there here was. "Hi, I'm Howe's brother." And we chatted for the next 4 hours. Nothing much, just exchanging information. After we exchanged our good byes I called Chyee and Lynn. They were happy for me.

The Courage

If you do not have the courage to walk out of a marriage, does it mean you are a coward? What is it in a marriage? It's a lifetime commitment with someone you love? Or just plain responsibility? I have friends who stay in a marriage just for the sake of their children. Is this right? What future / happinest is there in such a marriage? I made a terrible mistake.

At the time when I said yes to Mr (my husband), I didn't realised that this is a big commitment. Well, I am not afraid of commitments. I just took it easily. I never thought that this is the man that I will be with for the rest of my life. In life there is only ONE person who will be with you to the last day. To be there by your side when you are lying in your sick bed. Not your parents, not your siblings, not your children nor your friends. This person is your spouse. Since this person is so important in one's life, how can anyone make a mistake?

I'm not saying that Mr. is someone I can't rely on. I just have someone else in my heart. I know this is bad but it's the heart, I have no control over it. Mr. is treating me so well that I couldn't reject his proposal. To be frank, I only noticed that he was not a husband that I want after I had my son. He is not a good father, or should I say he is not the father I want for my baby. But it's all too late now. I cannot just walk out of a marriage like that. Sometimes I would think, I don't mind being a single mom. With the income I have, I think I can survive with my son. I will stay in my own apartment, well maybe I should ask for a house. But I think I would not remarry. I'm just afraid that the other guy cannot accept my son. Or even if they do, they might abuse him later. No way I'm doing anything to hurt my little baby.

Anyway, I was saying, bout the courage to leave a marriage. I guess a lot of people out there do not have the courage. For instant, I have 2 friends, let's start with Chyee. She has a husband who is very slumber. He is not enthusiastic. He is not doing well in his work, she definately earns more than him, but that is not the case. She finds him not man enough. Like deli delly, taking his own sweet time to do things. They have a kid, and she ones told me that she wanted to divorce, in fact she has given him an email telling him to wait for her lawyers letter, and he avoided it. At the end nothing happened. I remembered telling her that she should give it another try, for the sake of their kid. She is still unhappy with him.

The second one is more interesting. You remember Bree-a-like? Jee at one point was living in denial. Right after their wedding, everything changed. Klo was going out every night, flying out of Malaysia so frequent. I think he has another woman or something. It was so obvious that Klo regretted the marriage. He treated her so bad. I thought it was the end, but well, they still are married now. I guess Klo knew too much of his wife. Like I've said she is so pretencious. Wanting to be the best of best in front of all her friends. So as a husband, he obviously knew all the lies she has behind. But still why is he still in the marriage? And Mr. did confirmed me that Klo has a woman out there, and the funny things is, Jee knew about it.

Why is it that men can't have the courage to leave? Is it because the kid was born? It is always easier said than done. I have 2 chances, and yet I still am where I am now. The issue is responsibility vs courage!

What are friends for?

After watching Desperate Housewives, I thought the characters do resembled most of the people around me. Well, I should say I'm Susan, the only thing different is that I'm not a housewife, I am a working mother. I always put people in front of me. I'm always concern with how people look at me. So whatever I do, I will make sure it's right. And the best thing is, I can never make decision. I need support in whatever I do. I need opinions, just like Susan, wanting opinion from her lovable daughter.

Well, I will start with Bree. A friend of mine is totally like her. She wants to look good in front of everyone. no matter how bad something went, she will never let us know. There was once, before she was pregnant, her husband was treating her so bad, but in front of us, she still tells us how loving they were. We being the outsider can see clearly how bad the marriage was and yet she can still tell us how good the husband's treating her. How can someone be so pretencious? Is that what you call friends?

Sometimes I wonder, how can we live without friends? Well, I don't know bout you, but I definately cannot. There are a lot of friends out there, but only one or two you can really talk to. Well, I have 3, to be exact - Lynn, Gina & Chyee. This 3 girlfriends of mine know most of me...Hmm... there is a guyfriend though, Carl. He was well, still is so much in love with me now. Well, we will go to that a little later.

Now, I was saying, how can someone actually live without telling how they feel? For me, if I don't get it out of my chest, I will have sleepless nights. No matter how bad things are, I have to solve it there and then. I cannot leave things to the next day.

To Love or Be Loved

When I was younger, people tend to ask questions like "Would you be with someone who loves you more or with someone you love more?" or "Would you marry someone who loves you a lot but not so rich, or to someone who is rich but doesnt really love you?"

Are these questions which passes through all teenagers? Last time my answer was to be with the person who loves me more. But as time passed, my answer changed. I always thought it would be nice to be loved. Well, I'm not saying that it's not nice being loved, it's just that I think, if asked again, I will say "Follow Your Heart" . When it comes to relationship, follow your heart, not your head.

Well, this answer I got it from LOL. He told me that he regretted letting me go. He should have followed his heart. At that moment, I thought I had the same answer. But what the heck, we were both to stupid to have let each other go. Were we too young? I guess I really was. As for him, I think it's the ego.
Until the second time, only did we realised.. but it was too late. Thinking of all the things, I have made a terrible mistake. Why do people realise the mistake only after they have done it? Dont they know it before it's done?

Is that why there is no one live without regret?

Ctrl + Alt + Dlt

Can we just ctrl+alt+dlt our memories??? You can actually stop thinking of soemthing or someone for some time, but sooner or later, once in a while they will come flashing in front of you again. Why is this so? Will we ever forget someone? They say It takes a minute to find a special someone, an hour to appreciate them, a day to fall in love and a lifetime to forget.

So does that mean no matter how hard we try, we can never forget them? It not only goes into the skin, but goes into the blood to the heart, to the head and every little part of you body.

Why is it that we can forget something, event or a diary, a bag, a notebook, but never a person? Is there a chip in us that stores only human? Is there a way to take out or destroy this chip? It really is difficult for me. Everytime when I wanna take one step further, his vision will come flashing, everything was like it just happened. Why? If this continues, can we actually live happily? When can we ever let go?

Where does the problem lies? The memories or the letting go? If you can let go, does it matter if the vision appears? If you have let it go, no matter how often you see him, it doesnt really matter.
I really dunno when I can really let it all go..... Is there a time? If there is, I really wanna know.

Do We Lie?

Yesterday I was watching Desperate Housewives. Well, it did not inspire me as much as Sex & the City, but it still do a little. Anyway, there was one phase I got myself to think about... "Do we lie to ourselves every night before we sleep?"

Well, I'm quite sure a lots of us do. Everynight before I sleep, I will imagine about all the things that could happen to LOL & me. Also, I always tell myself how much LOL loves me on the other side, how he would stay single just to be with me. But, does he really still love me? Is he still staying single hoping that we will be together again? Or am I just lieing to myself?

If he really is staying single because of me, does it mean I'm not lieing? People are often so comfortable with the imaginative life that they would rather be in the imagination world. Is that why people tend to day dream?
Why do people lie to themselves? To live better? Or to feel less guilty? Or even to be more important? Where does all these thoughts and imaginations lead you to? To be with your loved one again? Is it right to lie to oneself? Even people with the smallest imagination is considered lieing? Or should I just use the word imagine instead of lie?

Y love when not 4ever...

"Why Love When Not Forever? Why time never kill?"

Carl has this in his display name in the MSN. I could answer his second question. I replied him, Because when you start to love someone, it goes under your skin, flows through your blood in your body to the heart. That is why time can never kill. No matter how long it takes, there will never be a permanent deletion. It takes forever to forget someone, whether he is the enemy, your friend or just a colleague. Not to mention the love of your life.

What cracked my mind was the first question. Well, do we only love when it is forever? Or if you think it's not forever, we shouldnt even start at all. But how many people out there can be certain whether the relationship is going to last? When I first started it with LOL, I thought to myself, he is the one, I wanna be with him and love him forever. But things just went the other way....I still love him and I know it's going to be forever.

Loving is forever, but not being with that someone is it still consider loving? After not being with that person, does the loving stops there? If that is so, why is it that I haven't seen LOL for so long but I still love him so much???

Once in a Lifetime...

What is it in a marriage? Do ppl just marry for the sake of company? Is it better to marry someone you dont love or just stay single forever?

Would you be happy being with someone you dont love? You will be facing him/her for the rest of your life. How can you wake up every morning to someone you dont love? Why do ppl make so much mistakes in a life? We only live once a life, why are we letting it past unhappily? Shouldnt we make the best out of it? This is the very person who will be with you for the rest of your life, not your parents, not your siblings, not your children nor your friends. So why are there still people making mistake when choosing their spouse? Dont they know the importance of marriage? Or do they take it as just any other matter? Just another paper signed....

As we grow up, we learn more, we demand more and give less. This is just life. Well, I dont know about you, but as for me, I didnt know what I wanted until I had my baby. Is it too late to know what you want in a husband when you are already a mother of one?

Some say, "Be contended, you went this far why wanna start all over again?" Some say, "Why not? It's never too late for anything, you live once a lifetime, remember?"
I always thought it would be great to actually follow the latter, but well, I am human, how can I just leave like that. And for all the people out there who knows me, knows that I will stay put, until something happens....Just sit and wait

Sex & the City

Well, I have not missed an episode on Sex & the City. Every time I watched it, I felt more confidence and always thought girls in this new age are so independent they do not need a man. I always thought I wanted to be one of them...But again, it's always a thought. I can never be like them. Well not the sleeping with all the men, but the wanting to be independent like them. They never felt old. Even at 38 / 40, they still go out partying, they were so carefree. I learnt a lot from the series. I dont know whether it's a good thing or not.

Until last two weeks when I watched the finale, everything changed. everything ended..... it was not as expected. I always thought girls can be independent all the time (at least in Sex & the City). They can do things themselves and not need men at all. But the conclusion is... women do need men.The ending made me thought a lot. no matter how strong you are, there is no escape from men. Well, maybe you can when you are young, when you still have the looks and 'ching choon'. then, you can get all the attention you want. but as you get older, what happens is you will be alone. Who on earth aren't afraid of being alone?

If we only live once a life, why are we always looking back at our past? Aren't we supposed to move on with our lives? Hasn't the past past??? We should be more contended with what we have with us now. maybe when you are young you wont appreciate things, but as u get older, you will know the importance of everything. if you loose something now, you might not get it back at all.No matter how much you play / enjoy your single life, one day in the future, you will sit down and think back of all the people you have loved. you will think "why did i let him/her go?" you will need company indefinately.....

So are we moving from Sex & the City to Desperate Housewife???