Last weekend Gina came up and we met up with some guys from college. We reached there early and while waiting we talked bout our college days, which I cannot really recall what happened. Anyway, when the guys arrived, we did lots of catching up. There was this guy which was not from our college, just a guy (allan) which Cho & I tried to hook Gina up with.
When he first came in, he was looking at me, in fact he looked at me most of the time. Well, I told you before that I still find people checking me out. I guessed he must be thinking how come I an married.
Anyway, we went on with our dinner, and then went to a club next to the restaurant. We had 2 bottles with compliments of Cho & Allan. I can't seem to drink too much though. Does it mean that I am old for this? Or is it the whiskey that is making me sick? After I gave birth, I think I can't really drink whiskey, brandy is alright.
There in the club, I was thinking of LOL again. I was looking all around to see if I can see his face. Obviously chances were slim as he never go to these places.
A lot of times, while dancing I caught Cho looking at me. Does he really has feelings for me? Or am I being too sensitive here? For years that we have known each other, I have this feeling that he likes me, but he just didn't tell. Maybe he knows that I was with Mr. and didn't to do anything silly.
Do you think a married mother should still go out? Still go out and enjoy herself until late at night? Is there a problem doing so? Aren't we married woman human? We need a break at times too. So what is wrong with going out, as long you know what is right to be done. I am an adult, I am married with a beautiful boy. Do you think I would do anything to ruin my life? I will never do anything that would hurt my boy.
That is why, I told myself, if one day I were to be divorced, I will not get married. I am too afraid that the new other half will do something bad to my son. If he cannot accept my son, he don't deserve me.
Monday, February 20, 2006
Friday, February 17, 2006
Dilemma
Just the other day I got an sms from Gina. She told me that she is in a dilemma. Well, after talking to her for an hour, she really is. She is going out with a woman's husband. I will call him D. According to her, D's wife has moved out of the house and apparently D has brought the whole family to a disagreement.
I remembered 2 months ago when she called telling me about D. I told her to wait until everything is settled (ie, papers signed) before going any further. All this while she has not tell me anything, but knowing her for more than 10 years, I know something has began.
Anyway, too late to look back. She is my best buddy, I know it's not right to be in between a couple, but what is done has been done. My advise to her is that the guy will not divorce. Being in a marrige there are lots and lots of factors to be considered. It is definitely not just 2 people's problem, it is a family issue. Not to say, just walk out of a marriage.
I have been there, done that. I was so so in love with LOL, and still I am stuck here. Why? Because marriage is a responsibility bound by 2 people. And the family comes with the package. I am not saying there is no way out, but it is not easy.
I don't know how much D loves Gina, but from what she told me, I don't think it is that deep. I told Gina straight that he is making her a mistress. She cannot go on like that without a name. They go out as friends. He flirts in front of her, but when other guys talk to her, he gets angry. What on earth is this?
I told her I was in this dilemma 3 years ago, just that we exchanged position. I was the one who was married wanting to divorce. LOL told me to clear and settle everything before starting the relationship with him. He doesn't want to be named a love snatcher, which I totally understand. As in his situation / position, he is worth much more than this. It is all up to me, my life is in my own hands.
I come from a very decent family. All these years, my life, my family has been nice. Everything has been so smooth. No divorce, no fights, no nothing. I love my life. We, among cousins are so obedient, we have not done anything out of expectation. That was one of the reason I didn't choose to divorce. If I really did, not only will I be questioned, but my parents will be pressured as well. I hate to put my family into a difficult situation.
What is there in love? What is love? Can anyone really tell? Is it definable? Some people meet their first love, marry them and he will be the only love in her life. Others, go around sleeping with guys wanting love every night. Some married, but go out to find more love. There are people who doesn't mind sharing love with others.
Why are they so many kind of people on earth? And who is right? Who is wrong?
I remembered 2 months ago when she called telling me about D. I told her to wait until everything is settled (ie, papers signed) before going any further. All this while she has not tell me anything, but knowing her for more than 10 years, I know something has began.
Anyway, too late to look back. She is my best buddy, I know it's not right to be in between a couple, but what is done has been done. My advise to her is that the guy will not divorce. Being in a marrige there are lots and lots of factors to be considered. It is definitely not just 2 people's problem, it is a family issue. Not to say, just walk out of a marriage.
I have been there, done that. I was so so in love with LOL, and still I am stuck here. Why? Because marriage is a responsibility bound by 2 people. And the family comes with the package. I am not saying there is no way out, but it is not easy.
I don't know how much D loves Gina, but from what she told me, I don't think it is that deep. I told Gina straight that he is making her a mistress. She cannot go on like that without a name. They go out as friends. He flirts in front of her, but when other guys talk to her, he gets angry. What on earth is this?
I told her I was in this dilemma 3 years ago, just that we exchanged position. I was the one who was married wanting to divorce. LOL told me to clear and settle everything before starting the relationship with him. He doesn't want to be named a love snatcher, which I totally understand. As in his situation / position, he is worth much more than this. It is all up to me, my life is in my own hands.
I come from a very decent family. All these years, my life, my family has been nice. Everything has been so smooth. No divorce, no fights, no nothing. I love my life. We, among cousins are so obedient, we have not done anything out of expectation. That was one of the reason I didn't choose to divorce. If I really did, not only will I be questioned, but my parents will be pressured as well. I hate to put my family into a difficult situation.
What is there in love? What is love? Can anyone really tell? Is it definable? Some people meet their first love, marry them and he will be the only love in her life. Others, go around sleeping with guys wanting love every night. Some married, but go out to find more love. There are people who doesn't mind sharing love with others.
Why are they so many kind of people on earth? And who is right? Who is wrong?
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
The Answer to The Question
Why did I make the decision to wear the ring? Why did I sign the papers? Why did I choose to be a Mrs?
These questions had haunted me for the past 3 years. I still cannot find the answer myself. Well, at that very moment, I thought no one was there for me anymore. He treated me fairly good. I have called LOL so many times asking for an answer. Still he told me, the time was not right. So being a girl with no more hope of love, what more can I do?
Somehow at that point, Mr. proposed. I wasnt going out with him then, but we still keep in touch. After he proposed, I called LOL. I asked if was it time yet. I didnt mention anything about the proposal. I know I should have, but I just couldnt bring myself to tell him the truth. So after his 'no entry' answer, I sort of gave up hope.
While deciding on my wedding night gown, I took out the cloth LOL bought me. I told Lynn that I will make a nice gown out of it. And she replied "Are you okay? This is LOL's cloth. You want to wear it for your wedding? Another man's gift to you? A man of your life?" Oh... then I realised I was wrong. I still have the cloth in my wardrobe now.....
I didnt tell much to either Lynn, Gina or Chyee about me having doubts about the wedding. I told no one. I kept it to myself. I thought I didnt want anyone to be troubled by my problems anymore. I should have and regretted, really. I didnt give out my invitations until almost the very last day. When I thought I have made a right decision it came out I was wrong. Not until I received the call from LOL.
That changed my life - forever. I know my life will not be the same, I can never turn back time.
How serious is LOL to me, I really dont know. One fine day, when I decide to give this to him, he might be sitting in one corner laughing at how stupid I am OR be so touched that I still have him in my heart. Which one would it be I really dont know. I, too want to know. Should I let him know what's in my heart all this years? Should I give him the link to this words of mine? If yes, when? Does it really matter now that I am married with a baby? What is the use of all this love and words and regrets when everything is already in place, when nothing can be changed?
These questions had haunted me for the past 3 years. I still cannot find the answer myself. Well, at that very moment, I thought no one was there for me anymore. He treated me fairly good. I have called LOL so many times asking for an answer. Still he told me, the time was not right. So being a girl with no more hope of love, what more can I do?
Somehow at that point, Mr. proposed. I wasnt going out with him then, but we still keep in touch. After he proposed, I called LOL. I asked if was it time yet. I didnt mention anything about the proposal. I know I should have, but I just couldnt bring myself to tell him the truth. So after his 'no entry' answer, I sort of gave up hope.
While deciding on my wedding night gown, I took out the cloth LOL bought me. I told Lynn that I will make a nice gown out of it. And she replied "Are you okay? This is LOL's cloth. You want to wear it for your wedding? Another man's gift to you? A man of your life?" Oh... then I realised I was wrong. I still have the cloth in my wardrobe now.....
I didnt tell much to either Lynn, Gina or Chyee about me having doubts about the wedding. I told no one. I kept it to myself. I thought I didnt want anyone to be troubled by my problems anymore. I should have and regretted, really. I didnt give out my invitations until almost the very last day. When I thought I have made a right decision it came out I was wrong. Not until I received the call from LOL.
That changed my life - forever. I know my life will not be the same, I can never turn back time.
How serious is LOL to me, I really dont know. One fine day, when I decide to give this to him, he might be sitting in one corner laughing at how stupid I am OR be so touched that I still have him in my heart. Which one would it be I really dont know. I, too want to know. Should I let him know what's in my heart all this years? Should I give him the link to this words of mine? If yes, when? Does it really matter now that I am married with a baby? What is the use of all this love and words and regrets when everything is already in place, when nothing can be changed?
Friday, January 27, 2006
Make It Happen
"make it happen woman! don't just wait for things to happen"
This is one comment I received. And it totally struck my mind. That was what LOL told me before. I told him I wish I was god, then I could have turned back time and do what I want. He assured me no one on earth could do so. I told him I wish I could be Mrs. LOL, have lil' LOL with him. He replied "make it happen, don't wait for things to come to you."
Are we human always sitting on problems instead of solving them? When do we have the courage to stand up for our rights? We only live once a life, why can't we be fair to ourselves? Why can't we be more selfish? Why do we still care what others think?
Is this how life should be? Going all the wrong ways? Or do we actually have a guide of how we should live? Isn't it better if we knew what would happen in the future? If I knew my married life is like this, I wouldn't have stepped into where I am now. All these is it because we think too much? If I were to be contended and love Mr. with all I could, would I still be in a position I don't want?
Tell me, how many people are contended? How many people out there live with no regrets? I dare to say NO!!!
If you can't change something, accept them....
This is one comment I received. And it totally struck my mind. That was what LOL told me before. I told him I wish I was god, then I could have turned back time and do what I want. He assured me no one on earth could do so. I told him I wish I could be Mrs. LOL, have lil' LOL with him. He replied "make it happen, don't wait for things to come to you."
Are we human always sitting on problems instead of solving them? When do we have the courage to stand up for our rights? We only live once a life, why can't we be fair to ourselves? Why can't we be more selfish? Why do we still care what others think?
Is this how life should be? Going all the wrong ways? Or do we actually have a guide of how we should live? Isn't it better if we knew what would happen in the future? If I knew my married life is like this, I wouldn't have stepped into where I am now. All these is it because we think too much? If I were to be contended and love Mr. with all I could, would I still be in a position I don't want?
Tell me, how many people are contended? How many people out there live with no regrets? I dare to say NO!!!
If you can't change something, accept them....
Friday, January 20, 2006
Don't Judge A Book By Its Cover
There are so many unhappy couples out there, but how can we tell? Can anyone actually tell whether or not the family is happy? Are they faking everything?
As for me, I have a million and one issues in mind, or should I say in heart. People sees us (Mr. & I) as the perfect couple. We potray a nice family with everything. I know when to give in. I know what a woman should do. Men need their pride. No matter how bad this relationship is, I never show it in front of anyone. Am I wearing a mask myself? Why am I critizising others when I myself is faking the whole thing?
If that is the case, should I just ignore him? Should I not care what Mr. thinks, how he feels? Shouldn't I even leave some pride for him? I personally cannot do so. It's just me, I'm a person who puts others ahead of me. It matters more to me how they feel than myself. That was one of the biggest reason I didn't leave Mr. when LOL came.
People might think that I am crazy. Everything here is so contradicting, but seriously I don't want this to happen to. I love LOL very much, but on the other hand I was afraid it might hurt Mr. Sometimes, I really wish that I could be more self centered, more selfish.
I see so many people everyday, friends, passerbys, strangers... I would think to myself, are they happy? My answer is a definate NO. No matter how loving they were, problems do arise. All sorts of problems. I am not saying that everyone has an affair or has someone in their hearts. I am just refering to the problem at large. Not only love, but kids, money, in-laws, work, this and that.
When will all this end? Or is there an end to this? Can anyone tell???
As for me, I have a million and one issues in mind, or should I say in heart. People sees us (Mr. & I) as the perfect couple. We potray a nice family with everything. I know when to give in. I know what a woman should do. Men need their pride. No matter how bad this relationship is, I never show it in front of anyone. Am I wearing a mask myself? Why am I critizising others when I myself is faking the whole thing?
If that is the case, should I just ignore him? Should I not care what Mr. thinks, how he feels? Shouldn't I even leave some pride for him? I personally cannot do so. It's just me, I'm a person who puts others ahead of me. It matters more to me how they feel than myself. That was one of the biggest reason I didn't leave Mr. when LOL came.
People might think that I am crazy. Everything here is so contradicting, but seriously I don't want this to happen to. I love LOL very much, but on the other hand I was afraid it might hurt Mr. Sometimes, I really wish that I could be more self centered, more selfish.
I see so many people everyday, friends, passerbys, strangers... I would think to myself, are they happy? My answer is a definate NO. No matter how loving they were, problems do arise. All sorts of problems. I am not saying that everyone has an affair or has someone in their hearts. I am just refering to the problem at large. Not only love, but kids, money, in-laws, work, this and that.
When will all this end? Or is there an end to this? Can anyone tell???
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Me
Well, for those who just happened to read my blog, I am married. I still am although I have someone else in my heart, my mind and my soul. Please do not ask why, as I have been searching for the answer for the past 6 years myself.
Writing this, refreshed my memory. I have known LOL for 6 years, I still remember I met him on 1st December 2000. On 15 December 2000, 1954hours, my phone rang and it was him. Why are these still fresh in my mind? Because he is the only guy I fell in love with the moment I saw him. For my previous 2 boyfriends (including Mr.), I grew to love them, but soon the love faded off.
There is no one man whom I have this feeling for. There are so many guys I have met. Usually it's them who will fall for me. I don't easily fall for guys. I guessed it's my character that they like. As I have mentioned before, I am a very out going girl. People feel comfortable being with me. They will just call me up to accompany them.
I am not a drop dead beautiful. I am pretty, well, a lot of my friends do think that I am pretty. One thing I am lacking is the confidence. I have low self esteem, maybe it's because Mr. always criticise me, saying I am fat and not pretty. (He feels insecured with me as he is not handsome). Chyee, Lynn & many others think that I deserve someone better.
I don't know what is in Mr. that made me be with him for so long. He is a self made millionaire at age of 30 or maybe 29 (I forgot), but that made no difference to me, as I spend my own money. I buy my own things, he doesn't give me pocket money. Even for our wedding, he bought me a 'less than half a carat' diamond. We didn't spend like any other millionaires. He doesn't seemed to care for me, paid no attention to me.
Why? Why? Why am I still stuck in this relationship? Is it the fear of change? The fear of starting everything all over again? The fear of adaption?
I cannot guarantee that LOL is what I want in a husband or even a father (of my son), but at the very least I love him. I believe that if I really loved him so much, I would have given in to a lot of things. Instead of being in a loveless marriage, waiting for the right day to arrive.
Just wonder - when will life ever go my way.
Writing this, refreshed my memory. I have known LOL for 6 years, I still remember I met him on 1st December 2000. On 15 December 2000, 1954hours, my phone rang and it was him. Why are these still fresh in my mind? Because he is the only guy I fell in love with the moment I saw him. For my previous 2 boyfriends (including Mr.), I grew to love them, but soon the love faded off.
There is no one man whom I have this feeling for. There are so many guys I have met. Usually it's them who will fall for me. I don't easily fall for guys. I guessed it's my character that they like. As I have mentioned before, I am a very out going girl. People feel comfortable being with me. They will just call me up to accompany them.
I am not a drop dead beautiful. I am pretty, well, a lot of my friends do think that I am pretty. One thing I am lacking is the confidence. I have low self esteem, maybe it's because Mr. always criticise me, saying I am fat and not pretty. (He feels insecured with me as he is not handsome). Chyee, Lynn & many others think that I deserve someone better.
I don't know what is in Mr. that made me be with him for so long. He is a self made millionaire at age of 30 or maybe 29 (I forgot), but that made no difference to me, as I spend my own money. I buy my own things, he doesn't give me pocket money. Even for our wedding, he bought me a 'less than half a carat' diamond. We didn't spend like any other millionaires. He doesn't seemed to care for me, paid no attention to me.
Why? Why? Why am I still stuck in this relationship? Is it the fear of change? The fear of starting everything all over again? The fear of adaption?
I cannot guarantee that LOL is what I want in a husband or even a father (of my son), but at the very least I love him. I believe that if I really loved him so much, I would have given in to a lot of things. Instead of being in a loveless marriage, waiting for the right day to arrive.
Just wonder - when will life ever go my way.
Friday, January 13, 2006
Who Cares?
What is wrong with ladies nowadays? Is it their problem or am I the extinct species? I have girlfriends who get so jealous over their boyfriends having a girl friend. They are so possesive and there fight over little things. Is that the way it should be? Am I being an asshole for saying this? For me, I have not been like that towards Mr. In fact, whatever he does or wherever he goes, I allow. I don't mind if he goes to the night clubs, pubs or wherever.
Is this trust or zero-love relationship? If the person is LOL, will I be possesive too? Is it bacause I don't love Mr. anymore, that I don't care where he goes or what he does?
Is this trust or zero-love relationship? If the person is LOL, will I be possesive too? Is it bacause I don't love Mr. anymore, that I don't care where he goes or what he does?
Thursday, December 08, 2005
Ain't Champion No More
While I was driving to work this morning, I heard the news. Manchester United lost again. They are out of the Champion's League. If they drew yesterday's game, they would make it in. However they lost to Benfica 2-1. Well, is this merely Sir Alex Ferguson's fault or is this really fate?
LOL has been a die-hard fan since he was 12 I think. Well, his emotion more or less follows the score of MU. Hmm, and he once told me that whenever MU wins, it means luck's on his side. And I still remembered the other time, he said, "If MU wins tonight, we'll end up together." I told him, he is mad, how can he let a game decide our faith. Somehow, MU lost that day....
Well, after the last break up, I could hardly see MU win. Why is this so? Can MU really decide for us? Or is MU trying to tell us something???
LOL has been a die-hard fan since he was 12 I think. Well, his emotion more or less follows the score of MU. Hmm, and he once told me that whenever MU wins, it means luck's on his side. And I still remembered the other time, he said, "If MU wins tonight, we'll end up together." I told him, he is mad, how can he let a game decide our faith. Somehow, MU lost that day....
Well, after the last break up, I could hardly see MU win. Why is this so? Can MU really decide for us? Or is MU trying to tell us something???
Friday, December 02, 2005
Only If
Why is there a word such as "IF"? Isn't it better if this word doesn't exist at all? Then will there still be thoughts? What if? Perhaps this or that? Only if. I have a lot of IFs in me.
1) Only if I hadn't went missing in action for one week.
2) Only if I had more confidence in myself
3) Only if I have been fair to him
4) Only if I hadn't been so childish
5) Only if I hadn't thought so much
6) Only if I knew I loved him so so much now
7) Only if I had appreciated him then
8) Only if I knew what I want in a husband & a father for my son then
9) Only if I could put love in front of my family
10) Only if.........
The list will go on and on and on until I don't know where. Does this word play an important role in people who has regrets in lives?
1) Only if I hadn't went missing in action for one week.
2) Only if I had more confidence in myself
3) Only if I have been fair to him
4) Only if I hadn't been so childish
5) Only if I hadn't thought so much
6) Only if I knew I loved him so so much now
7) Only if I had appreciated him then
8) Only if I knew what I want in a husband & a father for my son then
9) Only if I could put love in front of my family
10) Only if.........
The list will go on and on and on until I don't know where. Does this word play an important role in people who has regrets in lives?
Saturday, November 26, 2005
The Magic
I always say, one word to explain my relationship with LOL - MAGICAL. Why? It is funny how one person know so much about you when you hadn't spend much time with him. He knows what I want, what I liked, well, sort of.
For instance, years ago..... he called me saying that he went shopping and saw something that I like. How can he be so sure when I have only known him for 2 months? I kept on asking what, and he kept on saying it's a surprised. When he gave it to me, I was on 7th heaven. It sure was something I liked. It was 2 pieces of thai silk cloth. Wow, I quickly called Chyee, as I thought she might have told him, but she assured me NO.
Another one, we went to Coffee Bean after one year of not meeting. He asked what I want. I said anything, as I was a little nervous. Meeting him after one year was like those puppy love we had in school days. Anyway, he went in to order and brought out a cup of fragrant chamomile. Yes indeed it was my favourite tea. Why?? Is this coincident or really magic? Why would he buy me a cup of hot tea on a hot sunny afternoon instead of a cold ice blended mocha?
Somemore instances. After having worked for 3 years, I thought I might as well buy something a little expensive as a gift for myself. To be frank, I have not spent so much on something or matter of fact, anything before. Anyway, I went through a lot of watches. They were second hand rolex. I laid my eyes on one. It was nice but the price was a little high. After much consideration, I told them I needed more time to think. Before I left they showed me the certificate for the watch. I opened it to find the date of issued - 17 november (LOL's birthday). Without much hesitation, I bought the watch.
I still remembered there was once, I went to pick him up from Phileo Promenade after his CA lecture (he is a part time lecturer - cause he is too smart, am I exeggerating? no, he really is smart). Anyway, after lunch I sent him back to collect his car. Before he got down, I asked whether I can hug him. He grabbed me and gave me a hug and the radio started to play "Eternity - Robbie Williams" that very second. Is this another coincident?
More and more and more things happened. Why is this so? Are these tell tale signs? Am I seeing too much? Should I be thinking so much of all these? What does all these things mean? Being with LOL, has really made me felt important. Being appreciated at least. Once in a while, he would see something and buy them for me. It's not so much of the price or gift... it's the thought that counts. Whether it is an expensive diamond or a cheap stone. They are all priceless when it comes from the heart.
I told Gina why I loved LOL so much. In my whole life, I have not fall in love with someone at first sight. All my relationships before was the guy who made the first moves. I don't love them, it's just the time and persuants that made me be with them. Well, LOL did made the first move, but the feeling was diffenrent. After meeting him for 2 weeks only did he call. I was waiting and longing for his call. I never had that before. That was why I grew to love him more.
Oh god, catching back all these memories really made me high and low...
For instance, years ago..... he called me saying that he went shopping and saw something that I like. How can he be so sure when I have only known him for 2 months? I kept on asking what, and he kept on saying it's a surprised. When he gave it to me, I was on 7th heaven. It sure was something I liked. It was 2 pieces of thai silk cloth. Wow, I quickly called Chyee, as I thought she might have told him, but she assured me NO.
Another one, we went to Coffee Bean after one year of not meeting. He asked what I want. I said anything, as I was a little nervous. Meeting him after one year was like those puppy love we had in school days. Anyway, he went in to order and brought out a cup of fragrant chamomile. Yes indeed it was my favourite tea. Why?? Is this coincident or really magic? Why would he buy me a cup of hot tea on a hot sunny afternoon instead of a cold ice blended mocha?
Somemore instances. After having worked for 3 years, I thought I might as well buy something a little expensive as a gift for myself. To be frank, I have not spent so much on something or matter of fact, anything before. Anyway, I went through a lot of watches. They were second hand rolex. I laid my eyes on one. It was nice but the price was a little high. After much consideration, I told them I needed more time to think. Before I left they showed me the certificate for the watch. I opened it to find the date of issued - 17 november (LOL's birthday). Without much hesitation, I bought the watch.
I still remembered there was once, I went to pick him up from Phileo Promenade after his CA lecture (he is a part time lecturer - cause he is too smart, am I exeggerating? no, he really is smart). Anyway, after lunch I sent him back to collect his car. Before he got down, I asked whether I can hug him. He grabbed me and gave me a hug and the radio started to play "Eternity - Robbie Williams" that very second. Is this another coincident?
More and more and more things happened. Why is this so? Are these tell tale signs? Am I seeing too much? Should I be thinking so much of all these? What does all these things mean? Being with LOL, has really made me felt important. Being appreciated at least. Once in a while, he would see something and buy them for me. It's not so much of the price or gift... it's the thought that counts. Whether it is an expensive diamond or a cheap stone. They are all priceless when it comes from the heart.
I told Gina why I loved LOL so much. In my whole life, I have not fall in love with someone at first sight. All my relationships before was the guy who made the first moves. I don't love them, it's just the time and persuants that made me be with them. Well, LOL did made the first move, but the feeling was diffenrent. After meeting him for 2 weeks only did he call. I was waiting and longing for his call. I never had that before. That was why I grew to love him more.
Oh god, catching back all these memories really made me high and low...
Thursday, November 24, 2005
Battle Between Past & Future
I am a very sensitive person. I tend to keep a lot of things - old notes. I have a bag filled with notes. Not only LOL's notes, but some of my own words or thoughts. We did lots of sms and I jotted down every single word on paper. Once in a while I will take them out and read them and would cry to myself. Why am I doing this?
Anyway, as I was going through the notes, I came across a phrase,
"Will there be a future if the past is present?"
This is so true. If we don't leave the past behind us, will we ever be happy? Is there anything in the future which we can look forward to? Why do some people choose to live in the past? Isn't the future more important? Or has the past put a stop to our future? I think this is some kind of battle between the past and the future.
Is there a way where we can get the best of both worlds? The best way to live a life without regret is to live from old to young. Just imagine we live from 80 then 79 then 78 then ........ We knew so much at age of 80, so as we move younger, we know what we want. There will be no regrets.
Anyway, as I was going through the notes, I came across a phrase,
"Will there be a future if the past is present?"
This is so true. If we don't leave the past behind us, will we ever be happy? Is there anything in the future which we can look forward to? Why do some people choose to live in the past? Isn't the future more important? Or has the past put a stop to our future? I think this is some kind of battle between the past and the future.
Is there a way where we can get the best of both worlds? The best way to live a life without regret is to live from old to young. Just imagine we live from 80 then 79 then 78 then ........ We knew so much at age of 80, so as we move younger, we know what we want. There will be no regrets.
Girly Chat
It has been a great 2-week. I have shared so much with Gina. We talked and cried and shared so much.
Do we only have ONE love of ours lives? Can there be another? To me he is LOL, to her he is Navi. Why is it that we are like that? The more we talked the sadder we got.
These are bits and pieces of our conversation.
Me: I think my life is always as expected... birth, school, dating, married, have kids, teach & learn, die..
There's is just one route, nothing out of the expectation.
Me: I love him, I dont know why, I think we can never let this men off our head.
Me: They are humans too, we definately is someone important in their life.
Me: They can never forget us.
She: I don't know why you let him go last time.
She: We live in regret. How can we not treasure them before?
She: Love of our life is like the socket point, you can only have one connection.
We talked a lot but I have forgotten most of them. At that time, we were so down, we cried. Why did we get ourselves into such a life? Are ladies like us worth a life like this? We are happy overall, except we can't find love. Is there life without love? How can one be happy when love is not present.
Some say you will not get drunk if you are sad. Is that true? We went out for a drink the other day. Drank quite a lot, returned home sober. Does that mean we are sad? Do we need alcohol to tell us we are sad?
Do we only have ONE love of ours lives? Can there be another? To me he is LOL, to her he is Navi. Why is it that we are like that? The more we talked the sadder we got.
These are bits and pieces of our conversation.
Me: I think my life is always as expected... birth, school, dating, married, have kids, teach & learn, die..
There's is just one route, nothing out of the expectation.
Me: I love him, I dont know why, I think we can never let this men off our head.
Me: They are humans too, we definately is someone important in their life.
Me: They can never forget us.
She: I don't know why you let him go last time.
She: We live in regret. How can we not treasure them before?
She: Love of our life is like the socket point, you can only have one connection.
We talked a lot but I have forgotten most of them. At that time, we were so down, we cried. Why did we get ourselves into such a life? Are ladies like us worth a life like this? We are happy overall, except we can't find love. Is there life without love? How can one be happy when love is not present.
Some say you will not get drunk if you are sad. Is that true? We went out for a drink the other day. Drank quite a lot, returned home sober. Does that mean we are sad? Do we need alcohol to tell us we are sad?
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
One Way Street
I met up with gina yesterday. We had a long buddy-talk. We shared a bit of everything, her new boyfriend to my old relationship. At that moment both of us from liking to be loved thought loving is better. Well, are we never contended? I know it's always great being loved, but by a man you don't love - does it mean still great?
She said she has changed for this new guy. She has never been so patient with a guy. Is this really love? Does the sacrifice & change tell? Well, I guess in life there is nothing as having the best of both worlds. When you are this, you want that. When you are that, you longed for this. Why are we human always searching for trouble? Never ending problems. We can live a better and simple life, but what is in us that made us want more?
I told gina what life I'm in now. Mr. is definately not the man I want for myself as well as for my baby. She having known me for the past 10 years, knows that I'm pampered, I loved attentions. I want a simple life, a simple family. I want a husband who has a proper job and comes home for dinner everyday. A father who share my baby-task with me. Someone who understands, someone who cares..... Someone who loves & understands baby, like me.
That's why LOL's always in my mind. I still remember he telling me how he spent his evening playing football with kids in the field opposite his house. I still remember how he asked his niece to hug him till he can't breathe. I don't know whether LOL is a good husband, but I'm sure he is a great dad.
Why am I where I am now? Is this fate? Is this meant to be? Is this the route that I will walk for the rest of my life? Is there a way leading me back? Will there be any u-turn or no entry signs ahead? Or merely a one way street till the end?
She said she has changed for this new guy. She has never been so patient with a guy. Is this really love? Does the sacrifice & change tell? Well, I guess in life there is nothing as having the best of both worlds. When you are this, you want that. When you are that, you longed for this. Why are we human always searching for trouble? Never ending problems. We can live a better and simple life, but what is in us that made us want more?
I told gina what life I'm in now. Mr. is definately not the man I want for myself as well as for my baby. She having known me for the past 10 years, knows that I'm pampered, I loved attentions. I want a simple life, a simple family. I want a husband who has a proper job and comes home for dinner everyday. A father who share my baby-task with me. Someone who understands, someone who cares..... Someone who loves & understands baby, like me.
That's why LOL's always in my mind. I still remember he telling me how he spent his evening playing football with kids in the field opposite his house. I still remember how he asked his niece to hug him till he can't breathe. I don't know whether LOL is a good husband, but I'm sure he is a great dad.
Why am I where I am now? Is this fate? Is this meant to be? Is this the route that I will walk for the rest of my life? Is there a way leading me back? Will there be any u-turn or no entry signs ahead? Or merely a one way street till the end?
Monday, October 31, 2005
The Change
People tend to change once they are married. How true is this? Does this occur to women only or does men change too? Well, I have changed, I should say a lot, indeed. Is this because I am married to someone I don't love or is this another chip in us that change us automatically.
I used to be a yes woman. Everything that Mr. likes, I will like, whatever he does, I will follow. Maybe this was why he took things for granted. I hate to be what I am now. I hate the change. I want to be a great wife. But, with Mr. as my husband, can I?
How many people out there has not change after the vows? Am I not understandin enough? Or am I taking things for granted now? Do I really care how he feels?
I was doing some thinking yesterday. I hate to be where I am now. I feel sufficated. But who brought me into this? After yesterday's thoughts, it's clearly me. Why am I being so unfair to Mr. To think of it, I have been living in misery after LOL came into my life. He has been on my mind 24/7. Is this what I want?
I love him, and I still do. But this is messing up my life. I cannot continue this. From the moment I put on the ring, I should be fair to Mr. and I will be fair to him from now. I need a life.
I used to be a yes woman. Everything that Mr. likes, I will like, whatever he does, I will follow. Maybe this was why he took things for granted. I hate to be what I am now. I hate the change. I want to be a great wife. But, with Mr. as my husband, can I?
How many people out there has not change after the vows? Am I not understandin enough? Or am I taking things for granted now? Do I really care how he feels?
I was doing some thinking yesterday. I hate to be where I am now. I feel sufficated. But who brought me into this? After yesterday's thoughts, it's clearly me. Why am I being so unfair to Mr. To think of it, I have been living in misery after LOL came into my life. He has been on my mind 24/7. Is this what I want?
I love him, and I still do. But this is messing up my life. I cannot continue this. From the moment I put on the ring, I should be fair to Mr. and I will be fair to him from now. I need a life.
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
He Who Loves Me Not
I opened my blog today to find a comment. I was glad that finally someone came to share my thoughts. It is always nice to know that someone is out there. Anyway, he mentioned that LOL might not be that in love with me. That was indeed one question I have doubts about.
I was so desperate then, that I went to a tarot reader. She told me the same, she said she can't seem to see love in him for me. At that time I chose not to believe as to make myself felt better. Come to think of it now, maybe he really isn't that into me after all, but still I will love him for all I could.
Is it fair to love and not being loved in return? It hurts me so much to see people in love. Well, don't get me wrong I am not a bad-hearted person. I want happiness in all those who i know. It is just that i feel bad that I cannot end up with the love of my life. Why love when you are not sure you have love in return? People around me tend to think that i am a waste of time to still have hope for him. What can I do? I am not a computer, I do not have a harddisk in me which I can delete whatever files I don't want. I have written, LOL is already in me, and being a human, there is no way I can get him out.
That's the beauty of loving someone. Loving and not hoping to be loved in return. That is silly to say but it is so true. when you are in love, there is nothing more than being with him.
I was so desperate then, that I went to a tarot reader. She told me the same, she said she can't seem to see love in him for me. At that time I chose not to believe as to make myself felt better. Come to think of it now, maybe he really isn't that into me after all, but still I will love him for all I could.
Is it fair to love and not being loved in return? It hurts me so much to see people in love. Well, don't get me wrong I am not a bad-hearted person. I want happiness in all those who i know. It is just that i feel bad that I cannot end up with the love of my life. Why love when you are not sure you have love in return? People around me tend to think that i am a waste of time to still have hope for him. What can I do? I am not a computer, I do not have a harddisk in me which I can delete whatever files I don't want. I have written, LOL is already in me, and being a human, there is no way I can get him out.
That's the beauty of loving someone. Loving and not hoping to be loved in return. That is silly to say but it is so true. when you are in love, there is nothing more than being with him.
Pretty & Nice
Why is he always calling me and not Mr? That is a question I can't answer. Does he likes me? Or it is just merely a friendly call. If I am not mistaken, I have mentioned this earlier that I am pretty, well not hot but pretty and simple. Although being a mother of one, I still find guys checking me out when I shop or dine. I am not saying that I look stunning, maybe it is the simplicity that attracts them.
A lot of people or should I say friends thinks that I am easy to be with. There are people saying that they feel comfortable talking to me. I am not flitatious, I am just being me. That is why I hate the pretencious people.
I was too stupid to have doubts on LOL. I am just afraid that he might not love me as much after we end up together and that was one of the reasons I ended. How can I be so low in confidence when everyone around me thinks that I am pretty and nice? Well, I guess only Mr does not appreciate me. I know, you never appreciate until you have lost them. Maybe I will have to loose Mr. before knowing that he is the one.
Like now, not being with LOL is the biggest regret in life. I still go around telling people that I love LOL a lot. I think of him 24/7. I cannot find one day that I don't think of him. I am obsessed to him. He is already a part of me.
A lot of people or should I say friends thinks that I am easy to be with. There are people saying that they feel comfortable talking to me. I am not flitatious, I am just being me. That is why I hate the pretencious people.
I was too stupid to have doubts on LOL. I am just afraid that he might not love me as much after we end up together and that was one of the reasons I ended. How can I be so low in confidence when everyone around me thinks that I am pretty and nice? Well, I guess only Mr does not appreciate me. I know, you never appreciate until you have lost them. Maybe I will have to loose Mr. before knowing that he is the one.
Like now, not being with LOL is the biggest regret in life. I still go around telling people that I love LOL a lot. I think of him 24/7. I cannot find one day that I don't think of him. I am obsessed to him. He is already a part of me.
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
The Black Dress
I remember reading from some magazines about a ladies' wardrobe. There has to be a black dress. Well, I assume every girl on earth has a black dress, it's a need to have piece. Unfortunately, I don't have one. I am a person who is not a fashion freak. Although each month I spend a lot on magazines, they have no effect on me or whatsoever.
Sometimes, I really think, whether I am a real lady. For whatever function, I only need 15minutes to prepare whereas my friends take hours. I don't wear make up as much. Well, for a formal wedding dinner last weekend, I only had lipstick, mascara and blusher, no foundation nor two way cake were dapped on my face. Why is this so? Does it mean I have natural beauty or merely laziness?
When there is a girls get together, they would talk about shopping, sales, cosmetics, fashion etc etc. Not to say I have no interest in those, but all I can say is that I am a simple person. I don't like all these.
I always complain that I'm fat but I never do anything about it. I would join gym, but not go as often. I would eat as much as I could. Is this how a lady should be? Maybe after a night out in the pubs, I will have one-day determination to go on a diet, after that one day, I will go back to normal.
There is only one person on earth whose words has effect on me. Yes, it's LOL. I remembered he saying that he doesn't like girls with stretch marks, the very next day I went to Guardian Pharmacy and got myself a stretch mark reducer and also this bathing thing who reduces stretch marks apparently.
He said that my finger nails doesn't look nice, I went for manicure the next day.
I'm not saying that he criticise me, he doesn't. In fact he always make me feel on top of the world. He would tell people that he's with the most beautiful person on earth, saying that I am so slim. He does make me feel important, make me feel confident...
Well, I think I should go get myself a little black saviour dress.
Sometimes, I really think, whether I am a real lady. For whatever function, I only need 15minutes to prepare whereas my friends take hours. I don't wear make up as much. Well, for a formal wedding dinner last weekend, I only had lipstick, mascara and blusher, no foundation nor two way cake were dapped on my face. Why is this so? Does it mean I have natural beauty or merely laziness?
When there is a girls get together, they would talk about shopping, sales, cosmetics, fashion etc etc. Not to say I have no interest in those, but all I can say is that I am a simple person. I don't like all these.
I always complain that I'm fat but I never do anything about it. I would join gym, but not go as often. I would eat as much as I could. Is this how a lady should be? Maybe after a night out in the pubs, I will have one-day determination to go on a diet, after that one day, I will go back to normal.
There is only one person on earth whose words has effect on me. Yes, it's LOL. I remembered he saying that he doesn't like girls with stretch marks, the very next day I went to Guardian Pharmacy and got myself a stretch mark reducer and also this bathing thing who reduces stretch marks apparently.
He said that my finger nails doesn't look nice, I went for manicure the next day.
I'm not saying that he criticise me, he doesn't. In fact he always make me feel on top of the world. He would tell people that he's with the most beautiful person on earth, saying that I am so slim. He does make me feel important, make me feel confident...
Well, I think I should go get myself a little black saviour dress.
Friday, September 23, 2005
The Urge
Yesterday I had a dream. It was not about sex. When I woke up this morning, I wanted so much to have sex. Again I look at Mr. next to me, I got up and went to take a hot bath. The urge was soon gone.
In the car driving to work, I thought again. How am I supposed to continue living in a life like this? Can a normal person live without sex? I am a woman, a fully grown woman, we all know that sex is a necessity. Does this mean my life is incomplete? I am a woman with a strong urge for sex, but whenever this urge comes, I will have to drown it in a hot bath.
I miss being touched, being kissed, being held, being caressed. I missed having sex, though. Sometimes I would think to myself, I would just go out and find a cute guy and hop into bed with him. But then again, my right brain tells me no. Well, to be frank, I have not slept with someone whom I don't know. In easier understood words - no one night stand before. And I don't intend to anyway.
The thought of divorce is still fresh in my mind. I hate to live a life like this. Why can't I be with the one I love? Watching movies, listening to songs make me sick. Make me feel even worse when it comes to love scenes. The other day I had lunch with Chyee. She said look at the bright side, "Maybe you will feel the same when you marry LOL" Well, it may be true, but I replied "at least I'm in love with him". We discussed on how some of our friends treat their husbands like king. I definately can, but it has to be someone I love.
I dare say in all faith that I can be a wife and mother a husband and a child can be proud of. Any friend will envy. There are so many things I restrict myself from doing because my husband is not LOL. I know LOL will appreciate me and will be so proud to have me as his wife and the mother of his child.
I don't know how to put it into words, but I have a feeling LOL is the husband I want and the father I want for my child.
In the car driving to work, I thought again. How am I supposed to continue living in a life like this? Can a normal person live without sex? I am a woman, a fully grown woman, we all know that sex is a necessity. Does this mean my life is incomplete? I am a woman with a strong urge for sex, but whenever this urge comes, I will have to drown it in a hot bath.
I miss being touched, being kissed, being held, being caressed. I missed having sex, though. Sometimes I would think to myself, I would just go out and find a cute guy and hop into bed with him. But then again, my right brain tells me no. Well, to be frank, I have not slept with someone whom I don't know. In easier understood words - no one night stand before. And I don't intend to anyway.
The thought of divorce is still fresh in my mind. I hate to live a life like this. Why can't I be with the one I love? Watching movies, listening to songs make me sick. Make me feel even worse when it comes to love scenes. The other day I had lunch with Chyee. She said look at the bright side, "Maybe you will feel the same when you marry LOL" Well, it may be true, but I replied "at least I'm in love with him". We discussed on how some of our friends treat their husbands like king. I definately can, but it has to be someone I love.
I dare say in all faith that I can be a wife and mother a husband and a child can be proud of. Any friend will envy. There are so many things I restrict myself from doing because my husband is not LOL. I know LOL will appreciate me and will be so proud to have me as his wife and the mother of his child.
I don't know how to put it into words, but I have a feeling LOL is the husband I want and the father I want for my child.
Friday, August 26, 2005
The Affair
I'm listening to this song. It brought me back to the affair. It was just a few days after my wedding. He called me after maybe 2 years. Before the wedding I have called him millions of times asking for the 'thing' he wanted to tell me, but everytime the answer I get is 'It's not time yet'.
And he did kept his promise to tell me, but it was too late. He told me he loves me a lot and wanted me badly. I wish I can. I still remember we met in Coffee Bean outside my office. I called Chyee before meeting him. I was not at my best, as I was sick. She asked me to take an hour of leave to go to the salon and buy new clothes. When I saw him, my heart was pounding so hard, I was afraid it might jump out. We sat down, you asked what I wanted, as usual I said anything. I was so so nervous, it felt just like the first date.
When he came out with our drinks, only one word explains us - MAGIC. He ordered my favourite tes, chamomile tea. I've never told him or anyone before. Is this really coincidence? I don't know, but this is not the first time. He bought me 2 pieces of cloth which I loved so much without knowledge of me liking it. Anyway, we talked, very awkward. I love him. Sitting at the opposite chair is like killing me. I feel like sitting in his arms. We exchanged our good byes.
That period I was so confused. I just got married. I told my dad about it. I said I wanted to divorce. He was so calm. I don't blame him, which dad would want to see their precious daughter be in a situation like this. LOL called it off after one month. He thought it was not right. I know it was not right, but that is a feeling we both cannot hold back. He has changed from the day I knew him. He had learnt to like cantonese songs and tried speaking a few words.
At that time, I really wish I was god, to turn back time, at least back a month. At one point in time, I became suicidal too. I know this was wrong, but the feeling of not being with him was like a knife cut through my heart. He told me he would love it if I call or even meet up with him after this break. I told him never, I can never sit opposite him and not touch him, it will kill me.
And he did kept his promise to tell me, but it was too late. He told me he loves me a lot and wanted me badly. I wish I can. I still remember we met in Coffee Bean outside my office. I called Chyee before meeting him. I was not at my best, as I was sick. She asked me to take an hour of leave to go to the salon and buy new clothes. When I saw him, my heart was pounding so hard, I was afraid it might jump out. We sat down, you asked what I wanted, as usual I said anything. I was so so nervous, it felt just like the first date.
When he came out with our drinks, only one word explains us - MAGIC. He ordered my favourite tes, chamomile tea. I've never told him or anyone before. Is this really coincidence? I don't know, but this is not the first time. He bought me 2 pieces of cloth which I loved so much without knowledge of me liking it. Anyway, we talked, very awkward. I love him. Sitting at the opposite chair is like killing me. I feel like sitting in his arms. We exchanged our good byes.
That period I was so confused. I just got married. I told my dad about it. I said I wanted to divorce. He was so calm. I don't blame him, which dad would want to see their precious daughter be in a situation like this. LOL called it off after one month. He thought it was not right. I know it was not right, but that is a feeling we both cannot hold back. He has changed from the day I knew him. He had learnt to like cantonese songs and tried speaking a few words.
At that time, I really wish I was god, to turn back time, at least back a month. At one point in time, I became suicidal too. I know this was wrong, but the feeling of not being with him was like a knife cut through my heart. He told me he would love it if I call or even meet up with him after this break. I told him never, I can never sit opposite him and not touch him, it will kill me.
Every Man's Woman
Yesterday I went to a "rich but not so famous's person's son's full moon. It was so nice. Looking at them made me thought, why was I sitting next to Mr. Well, although he is already a millionaire last 3 years at his 31st birthday, the style and the feel is different. The people sitting there are all multi-millionaires. And then I thought again, I should be living this. If I were to choose LOL, that's what I would be living. Not to mention the money, which is not the most important, but the lifestyle, the bringing up and others.
Mr's family was never what I expected, nothing like my family. What I want is well bringing up. The importance of family. I always know LOL as a great and loving father. I still remember he told me once, he played soccer with the children in the field outside his house, also how he loved his niece who asked him to hug her until she can't breathe. Sometimes, I looked at my son, wishing he was ours, wishing LOL was his father. I know Mr. is trying very hard to be a good father, but he never will be.
He asked me once "How do you know I'm a good father". I just know, it's woman's instinct. I should have learn from the family. They are what their family are. Mr's family is havoc. Not proper. Unlike LOL's, just look at his mum, so elegant and calm. LOL loves his mum, he shares everything with her and thinks she's the coolest mum on earth. They say a man always find a wife like their mum. Well, I'm like his mum. I can be the best wife and mother on earth.
I know LOL will appreciate me so much. Before I was always wondering, always afraid that LOL might not like who I am. I am so wrong, how can anyone not like me? Not self praise but I can assure that most of my guy friends fall in love with me, jsut talking to me. I'm not saying I am very pretty or attractive, it's the feeling and the talking. A lot of people find it comfortable talking to me. I'm just a normal girl with ordinary looks. Even Mr. knows a lot of his friends think me as a good wife.
All the wives out there has been talking about Gucci, LV, Prada, diamonds and stuffs. I never do that, not even when Mr has a lot for me. When we got married, he was earning RM35,000 a month and I didn't even ask for a carat diamond ring, I didn't buy any brandeds. I just thought it's a waste of money. But then again LOL said "If there is no one-carat diamond ring, he doesn't deserve you." At that point I know it's about how much the diamond's worth, but it's the love he has for you. And I know LOL loves me a lot and still does.
I still remember there was once I went missing on him for a week. He was so mad with me, and wanted to end everything. He told me, "You WERE so damn important to me." Tears rolled down my face and I felt so bad to have doubt his love. I know he still loves me, even until today. It's really sad that two people so much in love can only live in regret and shame....
Mr's family was never what I expected, nothing like my family. What I want is well bringing up. The importance of family. I always know LOL as a great and loving father. I still remember he told me once, he played soccer with the children in the field outside his house, also how he loved his niece who asked him to hug her until she can't breathe. Sometimes, I looked at my son, wishing he was ours, wishing LOL was his father. I know Mr. is trying very hard to be a good father, but he never will be.
He asked me once "How do you know I'm a good father". I just know, it's woman's instinct. I should have learn from the family. They are what their family are. Mr's family is havoc. Not proper. Unlike LOL's, just look at his mum, so elegant and calm. LOL loves his mum, he shares everything with her and thinks she's the coolest mum on earth. They say a man always find a wife like their mum. Well, I'm like his mum. I can be the best wife and mother on earth.
I know LOL will appreciate me so much. Before I was always wondering, always afraid that LOL might not like who I am. I am so wrong, how can anyone not like me? Not self praise but I can assure that most of my guy friends fall in love with me, jsut talking to me. I'm not saying I am very pretty or attractive, it's the feeling and the talking. A lot of people find it comfortable talking to me. I'm just a normal girl with ordinary looks. Even Mr. knows a lot of his friends think me as a good wife.
All the wives out there has been talking about Gucci, LV, Prada, diamonds and stuffs. I never do that, not even when Mr has a lot for me. When we got married, he was earning RM35,000 a month and I didn't even ask for a carat diamond ring, I didn't buy any brandeds. I just thought it's a waste of money. But then again LOL said "If there is no one-carat diamond ring, he doesn't deserve you." At that point I know it's about how much the diamond's worth, but it's the love he has for you. And I know LOL loves me a lot and still does.
I still remember there was once I went missing on him for a week. He was so mad with me, and wanted to end everything. He told me, "You WERE so damn important to me." Tears rolled down my face and I felt so bad to have doubt his love. I know he still loves me, even until today. It's really sad that two people so much in love can only live in regret and shame....
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