Cadbury's Roasted Almond

Why the title? Yesterday I went to 7-11. As I walked down the chocolate aisle, I saw the Cadbury's Roasted Almond. And I thought of LOL. I remember everytime I meet him, I will buy a bar for him. He likes it and always asked me why I buy for him as it makes him fat. But he'll definitely finish it.

I remember telling him it's love food. We're so in love, that's why I bought that for him. I always love "love food" - chocolates, strawberries, oysters.

I still cannot get myself to actually talk to him or meet him at all. If I have no feelings for him, I'm ok with it. But deep down inside, he still has a part of me. The other day I saw CK. I'm okay. I just wanted to look good in front of him. I have nothing for him at all, he doesnt mean anything to me. That's why, when I saw him, I didnt feel anything at all - just another passerby.

I just cannot imagine meeting LOL on the streets. Should I hide? Should I run? Should I say hi? Please please, I just dont want to know... Just dont let us both meet, please...

Married 3

It's raining while I am writing this. It's always sadder when it comes to this kind of weather. Anyway, the topic on LOL being a father is still battling in my head now.

For the past few days I have been thinking of him a lot. I have been picturing him as a father. How he would rush home to see his baby. How he would play with his baby. How great a father he is. But actually how true are all these? Am I just imagining or is he really a great dad?

Sometimes I wonder... Does he still think of me? Does he still have a part of me in him? I remember he telling me that for his first girlfriend, he needed 3 years to get through it. He asked me to guess how long it takes for him to get through me. Well, it seems it's not that long after all.

Or, is he married just for the sake of marrying? Not that he loves his wife, but like me & Mr. Just married because of responsibilities, because he knows that I can never be with him again? Am I lying to myself again? Maybe he really loves this girl so much that he has forgotten me so fast.

The first thing when I told Gina about him having a 1 1/2 year-old kid, her response was "So fast?". Hmm, yes I thought so too. The baby would have been born in Year 2004 end, and the wife would have been pregnant in 2004. Wow, that's fast.

Also, I thought to myself. How long did they date? Was it a shot-gun marriage? Does he really love her? Who is this woman? How does she looks like? I needed to know everything... but from who? Why would I want to know all about him? Does it matter? What for?

I am mad. I have put these down why am I starting everything all over again? What is the point? It's so ridiculous. It's a waste of time. Anyhow, this guy will forever be a part in me.

Married 2

Well, it has been 4 1/2 hours since I got the news of LOL being married. And for the past 4 1/2 hours I have been thinking of him so much. I knew this would come, that was why I chose not to know. Somehow, I guess Chyee thinks that he doesn't mean anything to me anymore.

Don't get me wrong. I am not going to divorce or do anything crazy. This is just a feeling. A feeling that we human have and have no control of. We can hide in front of everyone, but deep in us - it'll be there forever.

So are you telling me that I can sit on the same table with him, have a nice talk over lunch? Don't be silly. I don't know about others, but for me - a big no way. There is no way I can see him and have nothing happened.

I remembered the last time I met him in KLCC with Gina, he gave me a good bye kiss and I cried the whole day.

I didn't realise the feeling towards him was still so strong until today when I got the news. I know that people would think that I am crazy to still have such a feeling. To still have thoughts of him at this point. As I have said, I will not do anything crazy, this is just a feeling I cannot stop. If I can cry, I would. But what for? I am a wife and a mother. He is a husband and a father. Is there a point?

No matter what, there is no way that can change his part in my life.

Married

Just now I met up with Chyee for lunch. It has been quite a while since we last had a nice chatting time alone. I have not been seeing her as often as before, due to laziness. Anyway, we ordered our food and started our chat.

5 minutes into our conversation, she told me that LOL is married. I took it alright. Not as bad as I expected. He even had a daughter of 1 year plus. I did not feel sad or anything, but I cannot stop myself from picturing me as the wife. I wonder who this girl is, I wonder how much he loves her, I wonder if he still thinks of me. I wonder...

I remembered telling Chyee once, that if she ever knew LOL is married, don't ever tell me. I don't want to know. Well, it's ok now. I cannot expect him to wait for me for the rest of his life. Life goes on. I am expecting my 2nd one, so what's wrong with him getting married?

He has a daughter. That is what he always wanted. He loves girl. Maybe he grew up in a family with 3 boys siblings. And I know he is going to name her the name his mum wanted - a name his mum wanted for her own daughter, but unfortunately all she had were boys.

I cannot stop imagining how great a father he would be. I cannot stop thinking how nice he would be to the mother of his child. I cannot stop thinking of him. Yes, I know that I shouldn't be doing this and that is why Chyee told me bout this. She thinks that I have gotten over with it. Well, I did get over it, but still he plays an important part in my life. He is someone I can never forget.

Being a mother of 2, I will not do anything to hurt my kids.

How True Can It Be?

I always tell myself that I have let LOL go, I will not sacrifice my kids to be LOL, I will not do anything to hurt anyone jsut to be with LOL again. But how true are these? Can I be that definite? How sure I am?

Yesterday I thought to myself. Will I? Can I? I cannot assure myself the letting go of LOL. If one day in the future, LOL comes back to look for me what will I do? Can I still be this determine to just be friends with him and nothing else? He has a very big part in my heart and he still has. I will never ever forget this man.

Having my son is the biggest determination I have against being with him ever again. But when the reality really comes, can I conquer my feelings? Can I drown all my feelings for him and stay friends?

Jee is having problems with Klo. I think they are in the midst of getting divorce. I was quite sure that the root of this is an affair - and it's Jee's. She has never mentioned to me about a third party, but I thought, the only reason a woman can be that harsh to leave the husband is only for another man. Those miscommunications, lack of understanding, love & care are all bullshits. For a woman to actually leave the family, it's only LOVE.

What she is going through, I have went through them. Depressions, arguments, etc etc. I had depression when I couldnt be with LOL. I knew it but no one else did. I had thought of suiciding, I had thought of hurting myself. But thank god, I found the sense that told me not to.

I have been through all these and now I am where I am. Married with 2 kids.
Mr is not the husband I want. I have not change that thinking. But still for the sake of my own family and my precious kids, I am still where I am.

I am someone who loves attention. He never shows. I am someone who puts family in the first place, he puts money. I have not been cuddled, not been kissed, not been hold for so long. And having sex was just for the sake of having kids. No making love. Sometimes I really miss the feeling of making love with the person I love.

Happy Birthday

It has been quite a while since I last wrote anything. Today is his birthday, I miss him a lot. Well, I do miss him like any other day. It's just that today is his birthday, and yet I couldn't celebrate with him, I couldn't buy him a present, I couldn't call him to wish him, neither can I sms him. This is bad...

A lot of things happened these days. Not to me though. To some of my friends. A lot of people are talking about divorcing. Why is this so? Is it because all my friends, have reached the age that they can support themselves? Or is there a third party involved?

I have been through every step that they have. But somehow, I'm still where I am now. As I have said a lot of time, we need courage to walk out of a marriage. Maybe I just hadn't enough to do so.

If you asked me again, at this very point in time, I will not. There is nothing in this world that can make me sacrifice my dearest child...

Responsibility

I have been thinking again these days. Why is there so much difference in between man and woman? Why is it possible that these 2 can live together?

It really isnt that easy. I have friends with kids - some divorced, some in the progress of divorcing, some have even moved out of the house. Why are these people so irresponsible? Yes I know that staying in a marriage for the sake of the children are stupid, but isn't that part of the responsibility of a parent?

If you are not ready to take such sacrifice, why in the first place did you ever make the decision to bring them to earth? For me, I have been through a lot, more than I've expected.

As I have mentioned earlier, my life is one straight line, one open book. There will never be anything out of the ordinary. I was born to this world, I learn to walk, I run, I jump, I climb, I go to school, I work, I marry, I have kids, I fall sick & I die. That's any ordinary person's life. That's me. There will never be divorce in my life. There will never be anything bad or extraordinary in my life.

I love my son. And there is nothing in this world that can ever take his place - not even LOL.

Dream

Today I woke up late for work. Why?

I was dreaming. I was too involved in the dream. Yes, I was dreaming of LOL. We met up somewhere in Australia. Somehow, I needed to spend a night in his apartment. Nothing happened. I was just lying beside his bed looking at him sleep. In the dream, he told me he has a girlfriend back home. And I can feel the he still loves me.

You must be thinking I'm mad, well, maybe I am. But the feeling was so real. It was as if we were really together. The feeling was so great, it's exactly how I felt when I was with him. At one point in time, I wish I would never wake up. That is the only time and place where I can be so close to LOL.

Sometimes I wonder, why can't we control a dream? If I can do whatever I want in dreams, I would have went over and hugged him so tight. I would have touch every part of him again. I would run into his arms to feel the warmth again...

But then again, it's just a dream...

Sadness Continues

Just the other, Gina told me she was feeling really down. Does this happen to everyone? Do you out there feel depress once in a while? I do, and I totally understand how Gina felt.

This depressing feeling haunted me for the past 3 years or more. But somehow I have gotten over it. Well, not really, but at least I managed to collect myself and put the pieces of me together again. At one point, I thought I lost myself. Those big pieces were still there, but those small tiny once were blown away, flew together with the wind.

Sometimes I really dont want to say all these, making this blog a depressing one. I cant help it, since young, I loved writing. Whenever I am sad or depress or have thoughts, I will pen it down on paper. Well, knowing the growing technologies, I am typing instead.

Going back to the point, I am trying my very best to stay happy. I have put myself in Mr.'s shoes. I definitely had. I know he is a great guy. Am I asking for too much? I really dont know. I always have this feeling in me, which made me think that I deserve someone better, much better. Someone like LOL.

I still miss him so much. I miss his kisses, miss his touch, miss his hugs, miss his voice, miss his breathe. Will I ever see him again? If I do, what should I do? How should I react? I really want to know how he is now, but I'm too afraid to find out if he is married. I know I sound really selfish, but seriously, I'm not. And I wish I was, then I would have let everything else go, and be with LOL...

What Have I Done?

What is it in a marriage? I have asked and answered this so many times. Somehow, it just won't go into my head.

Mr. & I have been through so many things. The affair, the depression, almost everything. And I am where I am now. Married for 3 1/2 years, with a pretty boy. Why is it that we have been through so much, but when it comes to intimacy, it's zero?

Does this mean I have not gotten over it yet? Does this mean I still want to be with LOL? Does it mean I love Mr. no more? I am so afraid. Today, I have 2 friends saying that they have problems with their marriage, and have thought of divorcing.

Then again I thought, I have been through what they are going through now, but why am I here? Why can't I be firm enough to want what I want? If I was them, I would have been divorced 3 years ago.

That's me, that is just so me. Everyone who knows me, knows that I will sit in silence. I will not do anything that's out of ordinary. Why is this so? Why can't I just stand up for my own rights? Sometimes, I really feel sad for what I daren't do.

Depression

Just now, jee told me she was having depression. She is having problems with her husband. This kind of triggered me. The thought of my depression came back.

It was during the days when LOL & I separated. I was thinking so much that I had gone into the stage of depression. The things that I have done:-

• stayed in the office until late
• didn't speak to mr. at all (just one word conversation)
• went straight to bed, when reach home
• cry out loud suddenly
• try to stay alone all the time
• thought of cutting my own wrist
• thought of taking lots of sleeping pills
• thought of running away from home
• etc etc

Wow, and thank god I am where I am now. Thanks to my family. I have said a million times, they are my motivation to live on. If not for them, I would have be dead. But at that point in time, there was no one, no single soul who knows that I was in depression. Not even Lynn, Gina or Chyee. I told no soul. Well, that's one of the signs of depression - staying away.

The Distance

Just now in the car, I was listening to this song. I dont know the title or who sang it, but it just sounded nice. I listened to the lyrics and it got me into doing some thinking.

There was one verse "the furthest distance between 2 person is not life or death, it's when you sit opposite someone you love knowing you cannot have him/her". Another, "no matter how much we study, how high our education level is, we still cannot define the real meaning of love".

And that is so true. School doesnt teach us meaning of love. Love is something you have to go out and find it yourself. Sometimes if you are lucky, you'll find it very soon. At times, you just sit and wonder where the hell it is.

That was what I told LOL. Sitting opposite him and not being able to hold him or tell him I love him is so hurting. That is why I never dare to see him again. I dont have the courage to see him in his eyes and talk to him like any other person. He is someone I love so much, I cannot just treat him like a friend. I know he will not agree with me on this. But I am just who I am. I cant. And that is the biggest reason why I didnt give him my new number.

Is there anyone out there who knows the real meaning?

Dreams

Last night I dreamt of LOL. There is a saying that you will dream of that someone if he misses you. Well, does it mean that he only miss me once in a blue moon? Does it mean that he dreams of me everyday?

How can I get his out of me totally? I know I have made up my mind about giving up on this relationship and to stop thinking of him, but I am just any other human. I have feelings, I have heart, I have a mind. How can I let him go just like that? It's impossible.

Now I can control my feelings, my mind. I certainly have no control of my heart. Sometimes when you're in love, you should just go with the flow, you cannot be too alert. When it's suppose to happen, it'll happen. There is no need to purposely change or whatsoever.

There are times that I really would like to drive up to him, to just get a hug. Love is just so strange. Is there anyone in life who can live without being love? Like I have said, we are human. Not only women, but men needs to be cuddled, needs to be loved, needs to be pampered. No matter how old we are, there is a child in us. We are just like babies, waiting to be hugged and kissed and loved.

I Need Therapy

I want to have sex. I really do. If you asked me when was the last time I had sex, I cannot answer you because I cannot even recall. I was trying so hard yesterday to think when was the last, but I still cant remember. It was just too long ago.

Do you think I am psychotic? I have a man sleeping next to me every night but I cannot get myself to even touch him. Deep in me, I need him. But somehow, there is a tiny bit in my head that pulled me away. I truly believe I am psycho.

I think I need some kind of therapy or something, which Lynn agrees to. She also thinks that I am crazy to live without sex for this long. Wow, according to Charlotte in Sex and the City, I am re-virginated.

Is it because of that small little words that LOL said? "How can you make love out of obligation? That's so sad." But am I having sex out of obligation? Or is this purely a necessity in life? Well, there are so many men & women out there having one night stands. They don't even know who the hell they slept with after they wake up. They simply needed to be fulfilled.

To come to think of it, maybe having sex with someone you don't know, makes it better, at least you know it's not an obligation.

Admiration

Why haven't I wrote anything lately? Does this mean that I am happy already? No worries means no need to write?

Something like that. I have gave in a lot. I made up my mind, "what the heck? why am I wasting so much time on something that will never work out?" I am 29 and with a kid now. I dont want to waste time no more. I would have had more children if I chose LOL. But now that the decision had been made, I am married, I want another baby. It's really unfair to Mr. as well as myself to have LOL in our lives, or should I say in my life.

Well, I still love LOL, I still care, he is still in my heart, but that is only in the imaginary world. In reality, I am a happily married mother of one.

These days have been better. I felt more like a family. I have treated Mr. better than before. I have told him that I am ready for another kid, which I really am.

Sometimes, I would still wander. I would sit and think of times with LOL. I admire him a lot. He is tall, big, cute. Being with him, I can feel the sense of security. I was thinking to myself the other day. Have I ever admire Mr.? And the answer was no. I have not been attracted to his looks at all. What has he that had captured my heart? I really dont know. There are so many guys in my life, but there was no one that made me leave Mr.

The closest was LOL, and I really still do love him.

The Husband

Yesterday while I was driving back from work, I thought, what is it in a man that we ladies look for? What has it got to take to be a husband?

What criteria is important? Brains vs looks. Let's put it this way, it's definitely not easy to find a man with both of these. To be frank I actually found one, which I let him go. Yes, he is LOL. I don't know why, I always admire him. He doesn't have the hunk look, but once you see him, you like him. He has a decent look. Am I being bias or something? I truly think he is kinda cute, although Lynn and Gina said he is just okay. I have this thing for tall guys. He is 6ft1in. Wow, that's really tall. I love it when he hugs me, he gives me a sense of security. He is clever, he really is. He is a chartered accountant, scoring 2nd highest during his time. He is a freelance lecturer fo CA too. He knows the world well. And I truly admire him.

As for Mr., he only has the brains - no height, no looks. He is taller than me, but most people think he is not. He is smart. He has taught me a lot, but being so much older than me, obviously he knows more. Now that I've grown older, I know a lot myself.

What about caring, understanding, loving? Does this comes in a package? I think it's under the optional side. And I don't think many men has these, or should I say, for ladies, there will never be enough of those.

Sometimes I would sit and wonder why has god created man and woman so differently. Is this some kind of test for human? For the past so many years, men and women learnt to live together. So is it really that difficult for me to learn to live with Mr?

1) The looks, appearance
2) brains
3)

Memories Brought Back

Sometimes I wish I can write while driving. Everytime when I drive, memories & thoughts keep coming in. I think it must be the songs I listen to and the fact that I'm alone. I once told someone, that I cannot be left alone. I need company. It's quite funny how some people prefer to spend the rest of their lives alone.

Have you ever felt lonelier on rainy days? Does it make you sadder when the skies turn grey? Does some songs bring memories back to you? Have you ever smelled a scent that reminds you of someone? Does a short phrase or few words make you remember someone?

I have, I really do and I am very sensitive towards all this petty things. There are songs which I dare not hear anymore. Sometimes when I hear them playing, I would just switch them off. Why is this so? Are these things installed in our mind?

Are We Too Giving??

My bro is seeing a girl. A new girl in his life. Everytime when he is going after someone, I feel uneasy. Why is this so? Maybe because I am too attached to my family that I tend to be a little possessive at times. But this time, after a while, I realised I shouldn't as he is not young anymore and this girl seemed nice, from his description.

Anyway, I am writing this not to tell you how good or bad this lady is, but to tell you how giving we are. Does this run in the family? My brother has done so much for this new girl of his, even now that she is not his girlfriend yet. I was a little unhappy about what he is doing. If this girl falls for all these, can this be called love? Or is it just materialistic?

Then again I thought, I am not in that position to say this. I myself is like that. Thinking back again, I pamper my guys so much. I always make them feel wanted. I guessed guys always love being with me, because I am a nice and easy going person. I am trustworthy and honest. I don't pretend in front of others. I am who I am.

When I am in a relationship, I am always giving. I don't know why. I always put people ahead of me. Am I stupid? I remember Lynn telling me once that we are human, we should be selfish. I never learnt. Even though I know I don't love Mr. that much anymore, I still treat him well. I am afraid I might hurt him in some ways.

And I remembered LOL telling me, he loves to be pampered. Well, he sure knows who to find. I can be so pampering. There were so much restrictions when I was with LOL. I don't know why. Maybe at that point I was still shy. I am, and I am just being myself. I'm not hiding anything, it's just natural for me to feel shy in front of people.

I love him, I still do. And another regret was that I restricted myself from him. I bet if he sees more of me, there is no way he will let me go.

18-20th Centuries

I went to TTDI the other day. Went past 18-20th Centuries Restaurant and thought, so much has changed. Even the restaurant had moved. Why am I still looking back? Shouldn't I be moving on with my life? I already have a family and there is no way I am going to turn back. So why don't I make the fullest out of this? I know I am a wonderful wife and a great mother. Well, there is a saying - if you can't change, accept it.

I still remember LOL brought me there, he knows that I love antiques and old old stuffs. He knows me well enough. I loved the place. I remember we were sitting opposite each other, by the time we finished our meal, I was sharing his chair. Although it was too small, we both enjoyed the closeness.

Before we left the place, he asked whether I like it, I told him I loved it. And he said, "you don't bring anyone here ok, you can only come here with me." Yes, I kept my promise and till today I have not stepped into that restaurant.

Sometimes I wonder, why am I taking these words so seriously. I can just go in and dine and enjoy the food with anyone, whether it's Mr. or any friends. He wouldn't know and what if he does? Why? Why haven't I been in there? It's my heart that tells me to keep my distance from that place. I have made a promise to him, and I am just trying my best to fulfill it.

These are just petty things that a girl will keep in their head. Are we ladies always the weaker gender? Do men keep these thoughts in mind? Or do they just keep them in their hearts and not let them out?

It has been quite sometime since I last talk about LOL to anyone. Does this mean it has end? Does this mean I have moved on? If so, why am I still thinking of him? Can I get rid of him exclusively? No doubt it's difficult to move on with LOL still in me, but I will try. That's the only way out, only I can help myself. All I should focus on now is my family - anything else will just be memories, thoughts which is kept within me for lives!!!

Baby Boom

It's the time of the month again. It always comes, at least once a month. How can I actually stop this? How can I stop feeling this way? Well, I think of LOL every day, but once a month the feeling towards LOL is so strong that I really want to shout out the word - divorce. Sometimes I think I am too much, am I?

Or is it him that made me feel this way? I don't feel appreciated, at all. I have put in so much effort in my son and yet he still thinks I didn't teach him well. Hello, please look in the mirror. I felt so sad having him as the father of my son. He is definitely not the father I want for my son. He knows nuts about babies and families.

Actually I have made up my mind to have another baby. Again, it's merely because I think I want another one for myself. As I have mentioned again and again, I would have gave birth to more, if I married LOL. I love babies, I do. If I were to be with the one I love most, I would have given birth to more.

I hesistated again, after I had this feeling. So how am I supposed to live on? Can you actually have babies with the person you don't love?