Its' been quite a while

Last weekend I went for a wedding, where I met some of my old school mates. Didnt talk much with them though, knowing me. I am always like that. Wouldnt start a conversation, wouldnt walk up to them to talk.

Anyway, there he was sitting on the table next to mine. I always have a "good friend" feeling for Ed. He knows quite a lot about me. But since I have been married, we drifted apart and almost lost contact. We have bumped into each other while clubbing sometimes. But having a proper meal, sharing stuffs - no.

About 15 minutes before the dinner ended, aunt may came up to me...

AM : you see, he is wearing the bracelet you gave him
Me : no, i dont think so. it's another one
AM : it is. he told me the other day. he showed me the bracelet and said 'i still keep this, but wonder whether she keeps it or not'. u sure threw away, right?
Me : hmm... >_<

Then I kept wondering, is that really the one I gave him? Does he really still keeps it? If yes, why? Dont tell me he still likes me. Hard to believe. Well, not that I love him so much to want to find out. Just that I am curious. It's always nice to know that there is someone out there that likes you.

I almost forgot that I have actually given him a bracelet. And then many memories flashed through. I have never really loved him. I know he did, well, not too sure though, knowing him. Do you think he would actually love me? He loves everybody.

Many things between us has happened. He was first sat next to me in class. He then left for Singapore for further studies. He called me so often while he was away. He told me how sad he was there, and how much he misses me. He told people that he likes me. When he comes back, he will definitely look for me.

He went to London to visit his sister. He called me everyday when he was there. Then came back with so many presents for me. I went to pick him up from the airport. We went back to his house in TTDI. Nothing happened. I didnt slept with him. And I remembered him telling me, "I love you so much, why do you have to treat me like this?" when I started going out with Mr.

I remember sharing my problems with him, but didnt know when it ended.

Hmm... I just want to know.

黄昏 - Dawn

sometimes i just hate listening to songs. it reminds me of so many things. it really digs out the deepest memories. that is why i have stopped listening to the songs that i have heard with him. all seemed so clear in mind. last night i bought "sex & the city". i have always loved this show. it taught me a lot of things, that i sometimes wished i had watched it earlier... then maybe i could have made a better decision.

i have always thought that Carrie will never end up with Big. but somehow they did. and Big emailed Carrie, his very last mail read "i know i screwed up, but i will always love you..."

at that very moment, i wanted to message LOL the exact words. but to think of it again, what's the use? why should i? why should i even care after what he said to me? how can i actually still have thoughts about him? what have i done so bad that made him say that 2 words to me?

i really wanted to send him a mail asking him why did i do that made him so mad at me. if it's because i changed my number, it's really stupid. he doesnt know what i have been through. he doesnt know what he had done to me - mentally. i now believe, what hurts most is not the phsyical part, it's the mental part.

bruises and cuts can heal. but the feelings and memory cannot...

Mr. went away

I dont know why every time Mr. leaves the counrty, I being alone, will try to find all ways to go out. But at the end of the day, will end up staying in the house with my 2 beautiful kids. Well...unless my best buddy is here. She lives miles away, 4 hours drive.

Anyway, mr. left on monday and I didnt go out mon, tues and wed. Gina came on wednesday night, we stayed home. Yesterday, we finally went out for a drink. We had a Mexican dinner then went to a club. In there, I was again so conscious. I drank quite a lot but not enough.

Carl still likes me a lot. I definitely have no feelings at all. Sometimes I dont understand why he would still like a married woman with 2 kids. Is this really love? Or just because he couldnt have me, he just couldnt let it go? But when I think deeper, I am doing the same, aint I? I still love LOL so much, despite all these bullshits!!!

I actually enjoyed a lot that Mr. is not around. Not only the party part which is just a small portion, but even with my daily life. I dont need to report to anyone, I can do whatever I want, in my own way, at my own pace. Is this a telltale sign asking me to leave? But dont I have all the telltales signs that I need?

Why Do I Still Care?

Why do I still care? Why do I blocked him in the facebook and yet search for him every once in a while? Why is it that I still want to know what is going on with him? Why is it that he has to limit his profile? Why is it that he blocked me from seeing him in facebook? Why why why?

Does this all matter? Why do I have to put myself at the bottom end when I have everything in first class now? I am really done with him. Thoroughly done...

Theraphy

This morning I woke up and couldnt stop thinking how crazy I am. Living my life without S. How am I suppose to continue living like this? If I dont do anything, I will eventually end up being a single mom. Last night, he asked me what is the problem - is it mine or his? I also dont know. Before I slept, I asked myself why, I still couldnt find the answer. Not even to myself.

Is it really LOL? But he has long gone. I have kind of let him go and havent thought of him so much already. Why is this so?

About 15 minutes ago, I actually googled for "psychologist in malaysia". Am I really crazy? I visited Malaysia Psychology Center. They have a whole list of theraphies. I clicked on the "contact us" page. Then clicked back. I took the phone and dialled then hung up.

Why? Why? Why should I actually call them? Do you think I really need their help? Am I actually living in denial? This is so crazy. Forget it. I have a wonderful life. I need not any professional help in living a life. I know what I am doing.

Do I?

Let Go Yourself

Last weekend Mr. was not around. I went out with Carl & Gina. It has been such a long time since the 3 of us got together. I still remember times in Australia when we couldnt care less. We had happening weekends, sleepless nights and those were the days.

Anyway, we had a great dinner and then went to party. The crowd sucks but being with 2 best buddies makes everything better. We ordered a bottle of whiskey, then added 2 jugs of Long Island Tea. Still not enough to make us 3 drunk to the max. Anyway, we did enjoy. At the club, Carl asked how was I. I said I was ok, he told me he is really happy. For the past few years he has made a lot of money. I am happy for him.

3 of us had different lives.

Carl made a statement, saying that I hadnt let myself go enough. Now that my husband is not around, I still held back. I should be the one who is dead drunk and enjoyed to the fullest. Instead, I was the most sober one. Although, it's just a small statement, I dont know why for the past 3 days I have been thinking of this so much. I totally agree with him. Not only for that day, but for the past years that I have. I have been holding back even when I was alone in Australia.

I don't usually wear sleeveless or clothes that are too revealing. That day I wore a spagetti top. I felt really uneasy. Carl said I should be more daring. Why am I always having low self esteem, having no confidence in myself? Why? I really dont know. Even at this age, having 2 kids, I still find myself pretty, I think I am most beautiful now. Why? I still remember how LOL always encouraged me to have more confident. Well, he doesnt like me wearing too revealing, but he always thinks that I am pretty. Oh... just forget it. No point thinking of him, at all.

I really dont know why. I really wanna try to do something and not think of what others thought. I really need some time, where I do something and no need to care but what people say - even Mr.

Sexless

I don't know how to say. And I have not tell this to anyone at all as I know no one is going to believe me, or they may just think I am crazy. Only Mr. & I will know the truth.

The last time I had sex was when I was 8 months pregnant with my 2nd child. And she is 14 months now. Do the math and see how long ago was my last. Oh dear, sometimes I myself cannot believe it. Well, thank god I am a homely person, if not Mr. will definitely think that I am having an affair.

I do have the urge. I miss being cuddled, being kissed, being caressed. But thinking of the real thing, I just couldnt get myself to do it. One of the nights last month, he finally couldnt stand and started touching me in the middle of the sleep. I didnt reject, I played along. It's funny how my body rejected him. There were no libido. He couldnt even be in me. Why is this so? We ended up not doing it.

I laid there, thinking... is it him or is it me? Why is this happening? I havent done it for more than a year and how come my body is rejecting this. I really need a doctor. Should I go see a psychologist? Is there something in my head that is holding me back? What is it? I have put LOL down since the facebook message. What else? Please, just get him out of my head, my life, my heart, just get him out of ME!!! I dont want this to ruin my life another time.

I also thought, I should give it a try and really go into the mood to have great sex again. But once I come to think of it, I would rather masturbate and sleep through the night. Why is this so? Is he not giving me the orgasm I need? Am I asking too much? Or I just dont want him anymore?

So what is going to happen? How am I suppose to solve this? Divorce is the last thing I want. I really dont know what I'm suppose to do.

Re-Virginate

I cannot remember the exact date when I last had sex, but I know it's a year ago. Definitely. Wow, can you believe it? Can you actually believe that a person can live a year without sex? Oh dear. I am not abnormal, I do have urges. I do want to have sex. I do feel horny. But what can I do? I cannot get myself close to him. I really don't know why.

Is this a sickness? Am I insane? I would love to have sex everyday. I need a man. I really do. I miss being cuddled, being caressed, being kissed, being touched... let's not go deeper. What should I do? Sometimes I fantasize, I really wish I can just go out and get laid. But on the other hand, I can't. I cannot do anything to hurt my kids.

LOL hurt me too much. I dont know why I am taking his words so seriously even until now. Lynn always say I am crazy, which I too think so.

bye forever

i decided to message him again. and after 2 days he replied, "it's best that you dont message me, thanks". i was kinda surprise at his reply, as i know he is not at all those people who would say that. but i respected him and i didnt reply.

this morning i couldnt stop thinking of that message, so i told gina bout it. she said i should reply him, "alright, best wishes to you & ur family, bye forever." well, i did as i really didnt know what else to write. and after 2 hours, he replied "fuck off".

i was devastated. what is wrong with him? what did i do that hurt him so much? what did i do that made him so mad at me? what did i do to get this in return?

for the past so many years of missing him, thinking of him and this is what i get in return? what have i done? i have not given him my phone number that's all. so? what's the big deal? he doesnt know what i had been through. he doesnt know why i didnt give him my number? he didnt know how hurt i was. i guess he really doesnt know me well enough. he doesnt understand why i have been hiding from him.

why have i done all this suffering to get this in return?

if i hadnt love him so much, i would be good friends with him. as i have said, it's really killing me to sit by him and yet not holding him.

well, maybe it's a good thing too. maybe this is when i should stop all this nonsense. it's time to fully concentrate on my family. time to let all these go. time to really say "bye forever"

I am Mad

i really think that there is a huge problem with me, i mean my relationship with mr. well, there really is a great one. i dont know why is it that i dont like my kids getting close to their father. everytime they get closer, i feel uneasy or anger comes in. i am a "very-family-oriented" person, if you know me well. the bonding between family is really strong to me. i am extremely close to my parents and my brother and also my relatives. i would call my aunties to ask how are they and just chat with them.

but when it comes to mr or any of his side's i loose control. why is this so? am i trying to put a border in between them and us? i just dont like my kids being close to them. i really dont know why and i know it's wrong, but i just cannot control it.

maybe there is always a thought of divorce in me. i have been trying so hard to loose this thought, but it doesnt help at all. i know whatever happens, LOL will not leave his family. so why am i still having this feeling? cant i just let him go and focus on my marriage more? is it because there is too much unsatisfactories in my marriage that made me wanna think twice?

i only want an ordinary life. a home to return to with love. a husband that sleeps and wakes up early. a husband who leads a normal life. a father who would pay more attention to the kids, who would play with them, who would share their joy.

he is totally different. i feel like crying thinking of who i have chosen.

hi there

for the past few months i was hooked with facebook. and since it's such a popular thing now, i thought i might as well try to search for LOL. the exact name came out - one and only. i don't know whether i should be happy or not. all these years of not having contact with him, i wanted so much to know what's happening to him.

now that i have, my heart felt a little sore when i saw his picture with his wife and daughter. i hesitated whether should i message him, should i add him as friend, should i create another account just for him? should i this should i that?

after typing hundreds of words in the message window, i pressed the backspace button and after typing and erasing for so many times, i finally decided not to message him. but still i check on him to see what was he doing.

he is so sweet and as i expect him to be. he got himself a frog pet and named it rooney. he petted him everyday and bought him food. he car raced with friends and even joined the MU group. i miss him so much.

i saw him changing his mood from stress to lonely... then after many days of visiting his profile, he wrote '... is missing my wife and daughter". my heart sank. well, i really cant help feeling it. i thought him being lonely is because he doesnt love his wife or something. it's really hard to find a man to write this. i envy, i'm so jealous. he is mine, well, he was mine and i should be the wife he is refering to. what have i done? why have i chose such a route? i want LOL to be my husband.

i finally got the courage to message him. i didnt know what to say, just left him a "hi, there". but till today there still isn't any reply. did he see the message but ignored it, or he hasn't seen the message at all?

so what if he replies? are we going to friends again? can i get over all these? can i see him and act as if nothing in the world happened? the feeling is right, i know i have not forgotten him, i know i still love him so much. i know and i really do.

Should He Know?

Should I send this link to him? Should he know how I feel? Does it matter? So what if he knows? Are we going to leave our family and kids behind? Are we going to create an affair? Will we stay where we are? Or he will just treat this as a piece of joke and show everyone how important he is to me and laugh about it?

Can he keep this to himself and continue to read to find out what I have been going thru?

I would want to know more about him. I googled him, but nothing came up. Does his wife have a blog? I don't care about the wife, I only want to know how is he. Does he really love the wife? Or just marry for the sake of marrying? Who is the wife? Does he still care? Does he thinks of me? Does he even remember me?

Sometimes, I really feel like sending him this link and maybe he would comment on it.

But as I have mentioned earlier, does it matter? Whether or not he still loves me, I will still be hurt at whatever answer he gives. YES - what can I do? I cannot just leave. NO - I will be so hurt, knowing all my missing & loving him is a waste of time.

So I guess, again I am leaving this blog to myself...

What If?

What if? I still remember LOL telling me that it's a waste of time thinking of the IF. There is no use wondering what would happen...

But that didn't stop me from thinking what would happen to me now if I have chosen LOL. Will I live better or worse? Will LOL do the things Mr. has done? Will he appreciate everything I have done? I am sure he will. I know he is a family oriented person. I know he will love me & the kids as much. I know he will do what a father would do. Mr. doesn't know what a father is. All he thinks of is money. Yes I agree money is very important. But to him, the father's job is to give money, and that's it.

Hello... if I need money, I can get it anywhere. And I don't need the money now. Not to say I have a lot, but enough. So does that mean I don't need a father for my kids?

Every time I look at my kids, I remember LOL telling me how he played with his nieces. Now that he has his own daughter, I know he will love her so so much, as much as I love my kids. That is what I want in a man. That is what I want in a father of my kids. I don't want someone who tells me he loves the kids, and don't know how to show it or expect us to know. Action speaks louder than words. Doesn't the kids reaction show Mr. how bad a father he is? My kids doesn't like him at all. I have never in front of my kids say anything bad about Mr. Frankly speaking, kids know. They really do, they know who treats them good.

I really miss LOL. The feeling comes again. I have been thinking of him extra much these days. I wanted to write him an email, but I am too afraid that I would create chaos. The last thing I want is to hurt my kids. The only thing/person who will make me leave this marriage is LOL. But leaving Mr. will hurt my kids, somehow or rather.

I know LOL is a great dad cause every time we talk, he tells me his plans for the kids. At that time, I was worried about how he would treat me cause he talked so much about the kids and not about us. But I was too naive, of course he will love me as much. I miss him really much, I think of him so much.

How can I forget LOL? How can I stop comparing Mr. to LOL? How can I stop thinking LOL is a great dad?

I'm Fed Up

I am trying so much to stay in this marriage and I am doing fine cause every time I look at my kids, everything bad will be forgotten. I just don't know how long more I can stand. I am really fed up.

I don't like him going out or sleeping so late at nights, I hate him waking up late and doing nothing. I know he has money, but how long can these last? Can he survive with that little money?

I hate him not appreciating what I have done for the kids. I have been waking up every night to feed my kid. And I have to wake up early to go work. Instead of helping me, he goes out. In his mind, it's always going out at night. Can't he spend his late nights helping me with the kids and let me rest? At least 2 days a week.

Why is he always thinking of going out? Is this what a married man should do? Is this what a family is called? I am a simple woman. I want a normal married family life. Is that too much to ask? I only want my husband to wake up early to work, to come home for dinner, to spend time in the house with me & the kids. If he can't help me with my kids, at least appreciate what I have done. He is more concern with the maid not having enough sleep than me having to work 24 hours a day!!

The other day I looked back at the surveillance camera, I looked like a superwoman, attending to 2 kids and fixing a shelf I just bought. I don't mind doing all these and more, but why am I not being appreciated for the things that I have done? Have I done anything less? Have I not done anything? Are these not enough?

I think he has a mind set thinking I will not leave him. Why not? Why do I need to stay with him when I don't need him at all? It seemed I can leave by myself, I can do everything by myself. I think he cannot live without me. He depends on me for everything. He needs me to do this, do that, do everything. Until one day I cannot control the fire in me, I will burst out and that will be too late.

Should I actually sit down and talk to him? I really don't want my kids to grow up in a single parenthood. And I know I will not re-marry for the sake of my kids. I just love them too much.

I Cried...

I have not been talking to Mr for the past 4 days. I know I am wrong but I dont know why something is holding me back. Instead of feeling bad or guilty, I was angry. I was thinking of all the bad things of him. And the worse thing is I'm ok with it.

I didnt mind staying in the house and not talk at all. Do you think I will give in like every other time? Everytime when I am angry, it wont be long. He just say a few words and that's it. I will talk to him again, even if I am still angry. Why is it that everytime when he is angry it has to be so long and I need to like beg him or let him scold a round only its ok.

I am kind of fed up with this. I hate it and I thought, if there is another time that I am angry I will NOT give in so easily. Anyway, I have my kids with me, that's more than enough.

Another thing is that I have bought stocks. Not as much as I have ever before. And today the market went down 60+ points. I am damn shit. I am so sad.

Yes OR No

"Hi, Just want you to know that you're thought of on your special day even if I never call, sms, email or msn. Well, I figured all this technology is too convenient and unsincere in many ways. Old fashioned as I am but I guess it says it all. My wishes for you "health & happiness" Oh yeah "Happy Birthday". Your presence in the world does make a whole lot happier."

Yesterday I met up with Klo. He handed me some birthday gifts, a birthday card and some souviners he bought while he was away. And the above was what he wrote in the card. I know that he has always love me, eventhough he is married now.

Sometimes in life it's really funny. I have Klo who loves me unconditionally, while I feel the same towards LOL. Why is it always like that? I have no feelings for Klo. I just dont want to loose such a great friend.

So do you think that LOL will think the same? Maybe he really has no feelings for me anymore but doesnt want to loose a friend like me. Oh dear, this is so weird. Maybe all these years of missing and loving him is a waste of time. It's no use clapping with one hand. What an idiot have I become?

Does it actually matters now whether or not he still loves me? Whether it's a YES or NO, I will hurt as much... So I have chose to not know the answer.

I Need It

Sometimes I really wish I can go out find someone to have sex with and forget about everything. Meaning having a one night stand. But I am too afraid to do that and I have never tried it before. I really want to have sex and I really mean it. I know this is crazy to have a man beside me every night and thinking of something else.

I dont know why, since I met LOL until today, it's so difficult for me to get myself to have sex with him. Lynn told to just do it, and think of it as a neccesity. Well, if I want to have sex, why can't I just have it with someone I know? Why am I pulling back?

I have to quietly masturbate. That is just so sad. I wish I can just drive up to Melaka and knock on LOL's door and make great love to him...

Why We Can't Meet?

I have changed my phone number. I did not call him since a long long time. We have not contacted in any way. I know I am bad and he will definitely not like it. There is a reason behind this. I have never done this before. I have never hide myself from anyone in my whole life. But LOL is different. This is very different from any other people.


I have got 2 beautiful kids. The last thing I want to do is hurt them. I will not be like some of my friends I know that when I meet him, things will start all over again. The feeling hurts so much. I miss him so much even until today. It’s getting better now. I still think of him everyday. I still fantasize him once in a while. I sometimes wish that my 2 kids were his.

I would love to see him. As I have mentioned earlier, there is no way I’m going to sit in front of him and not be able to touch him. I miss being in his arms, I miss his kisses, I miss him.

Every time I drive home alone from work I will start thinking. Start imagining things that ought to happen. I have been searching through Google for his name. Well, who knows that he might have a blog, or maybe the wife has one. Then I can get to know more about him.

He is the only person on earth that can make me leave my family. And that is the biggest reason why I can’t see him. I know he will not do anything to hurt my family, but it’s the feeling, the feeling inside me that cannot be controlled.

Just imagine, that small thing like he having a baby girl can affect me this big. What can meeting him do to me? I wonder if one day he comes up to me and ask me to be with him again, what will I do? Am I that strong to hold on? Will I give up everything to be with him again? If you ask me now, I can say I will not accept him. But who can tell the future? I can’t guarantee I can stand not having him back.

On the other hand, I love my kids too much to hurt them. I don’t want them to hate their mother for doing something like this. I need to be responsible for them.

They say women after reaching 30, their sex drive increases. Well, I would say mine has never reduced. Its just that I have not done much of it. I really cannot get myself to have sex with Mr anymore, although I am desperate for one.

You must be thinking that it’s funny how I can not have sex and still get pregnant. Come on, be realistic. I did sleep with him, when I wanted a baby. And I was really lucky to get pregnant after that one or two times – for both kids.

Sometimes I thought – I should send him this link, but then again, what for? He might not even remember me. He might not even care reading all these. He might just laugh and think that I am crazy to still miss him...

Cadbury's Roasted Almond

Why the title? Yesterday I went to 7-11. As I walked down the chocolate aisle, I saw the Cadbury's Roasted Almond. And I thought of LOL. I remember everytime I meet him, I will buy a bar for him. He likes it and always asked me why I buy for him as it makes him fat. But he'll definitely finish it.

I remember telling him it's love food. We're so in love, that's why I bought that for him. I always love "love food" - chocolates, strawberries, oysters.

I still cannot get myself to actually talk to him or meet him at all. If I have no feelings for him, I'm ok with it. But deep down inside, he still has a part of me. The other day I saw CK. I'm okay. I just wanted to look good in front of him. I have nothing for him at all, he doesnt mean anything to me. That's why, when I saw him, I didnt feel anything at all - just another passerby.

I just cannot imagine meeting LOL on the streets. Should I hide? Should I run? Should I say hi? Please please, I just dont want to know... Just dont let us both meet, please...

Married 3

It's raining while I am writing this. It's always sadder when it comes to this kind of weather. Anyway, the topic on LOL being a father is still battling in my head now.

For the past few days I have been thinking of him a lot. I have been picturing him as a father. How he would rush home to see his baby. How he would play with his baby. How great a father he is. But actually how true are all these? Am I just imagining or is he really a great dad?

Sometimes I wonder... Does he still think of me? Does he still have a part of me in him? I remember he telling me that for his first girlfriend, he needed 3 years to get through it. He asked me to guess how long it takes for him to get through me. Well, it seems it's not that long after all.

Or, is he married just for the sake of marrying? Not that he loves his wife, but like me & Mr. Just married because of responsibilities, because he knows that I can never be with him again? Am I lying to myself again? Maybe he really loves this girl so much that he has forgotten me so fast.

The first thing when I told Gina about him having a 1 1/2 year-old kid, her response was "So fast?". Hmm, yes I thought so too. The baby would have been born in Year 2004 end, and the wife would have been pregnant in 2004. Wow, that's fast.

Also, I thought to myself. How long did they date? Was it a shot-gun marriage? Does he really love her? Who is this woman? How does she looks like? I needed to know everything... but from who? Why would I want to know all about him? Does it matter? What for?

I am mad. I have put these down why am I starting everything all over again? What is the point? It's so ridiculous. It's a waste of time. Anyhow, this guy will forever be a part in me.